My house smells like vanilla

101 things in 1001 days! #2

2011-12-26T10:15:00.003+10:30

My old list is done and dusted as of September (hush yes, I forgot to write about it then - I was kind of busy!), and with the new year on its way so soon!!! I thought I'd write another one. I have a better idea of what I can accomplish too.

My new list incorporates some of the old list, you will see, but with a lot of new things too!

The Mission:
Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria:
Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).

Why 1001 Days?
Many people have created lists in the past – frequently simple goals such as New Year’s resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organising and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.

Write down all my baggage and burn it
Put my camera gear into my hard case
Fly a kite
Put up a compliments notice board in a public place
Throw TheDoctor a party to celebrate his PhD-dom
Put together our wedding video and show it to people
Enter something into the Royal Adelaide Show
Host a high tea for homebirth
Go to a pagan meeting
Go to a cricket match
Do three things to make our home more green
Do a kind deed for a stranger, with no expectation of it being reciprocated
Have a sleepover
Do a weekend away
Take a photo a day for a month
Answer 50 questions that will free your mind
Get a pedicure
Tattoo my scar on my left shoulder
Find a personally inspirational quote and work it into a piece of art
Buy a piece of art and hang it
Make cushions for my couch
Take a photography class
Make a list of 25 things I'm truly grateful for
Organise a craft retreat
Write a will
Become a marriage celebrant
Get my ears pierced some more (3 more times)
Go overseas
Go bushwalking/hiking
Sort out superannuation and consolidate
Write to 5 people by hand
Plan a surprise birthday party
Take a weekend away with my sweetie
Try a new cuisine
Get engagement/wedding tattoo
Take a photography course
Learn tai chi
Go camping for a weekend
Go on a winery tour of the Maclaren Vale
Paint 2 inspirational canvases
Decorate the bedroom wall
Visit someone interstate by surprise
Do a burlesque class
Buy 5 pieces of lingerie
Catch a train across the country
Go somewhere tropical
Celebrate 4 pagan festivals
Go on a girly road trip
Do a pottery class
Go fruit picking in autumn
Attend a wine vintage festival
Take 6 'us' photos and frame them
Host a photo scavenger hunt
Make a list of 100 things that make me Happy
Write out 10 family recipes in a cook book and share them with siblings
Send someone flowers
See someone amazing in concert
Go away for a trip by myself
Attend a book signing
Make a herb garden
Plant our placenta
Sand and refinish a coffee table
Sell a photo through RedBubble
Photograph a day in my life
Finish the time capsule for Sally
Build a henge over a year
Ride in a hot air balloon
Bake a rainbow cake
Do a yoga class
Give contact lenses another go
Write a letter to myself in 1001 days
Make an iTunes playlist of 101 of my favourite songs
Make a list of sites I'm a member of, and passwords there
Make a house journal
Set up an altar and seasonal table
Get my passport
See a musical
Knit a scarf for winter
Send hand written cards for birthdays to 5 people
Buy a red 4 slice toaster
Find a Friday fill in to do
Learn about EFT
Buy an overlocker
Set up a sewing corner
Learn to juggle
Buy a flute
Take some lessons in playing said flute
Buy a really good pair of jeans
Try indoor rock climbing
Drink a cocktail on a beach
Go star gazing
Do the City to Bay
Find wooden dinner plates and buy them
Buy a couch to suit the room!!
Make wrapping paper with Sally
Use a "shelf elf" for Solstice
Go a week without swearing
Play bingo in a bingo hall
Build a teepee
Build a bonfire and toast marshmallows
Write another 101 list

Happy Solstice to me!

2011-12-23T13:37:00.000+10:30

Well I have to say that I am still alive (if you're on FB you know this of course as I was described the other day as a "prolific" poster) but in bumping into an old friend yesterday I realised that I have a LOT to update on.

My motor vehicle accident compensation case settled. The money has been paid, Centrelink / ATO / the universe has been repaid, and
We bought a new house with the money. Settlement is on 13 January and I'm excited! about it but not looking forward to moving (again for the last time for a while, right?).
I did my filing (for the first time, thoroughly, in about 5 years).
My baby turned 1 and 3/4.
She started walking! and has a lot of words.

She had really bad gastro, which we got through by lying on the couch and her going back to being exclusively breastfed. The feedback from the hospital, whom I consulted because she was really sick, for a really long time, was that "breastfeeding saves lives, even here in our country, and I wish more women could do it for toddlers because it'd save them having to be on a drip!".
I won $10,000 in a competition and am planning a midwifery clinic in my head!
I did a big cull of people on my FB friends list, because there were people there that I felt obligated to have but in reality the wouldn't ~~piss on me if I was on fire~~ give me the time of day.
I bought a new lens for my camera, and have been taking AWESOME photos of births recently. I love love love it and my only regret about my own birth is that I didn't get similarly awesome documentary photos.
So NOT a reason to have another baby though.

I finished my degree!! I got that beautiful, system-generated email on Saturday morning, the day before the end of the study period that I was enrolled in. I have received my formal statement of my academic transcript, and have submitted everything to AHPRA for my registration and now am just waiting for some little busy beaver of a public servant to tick one itty box and register me already! That's all I want for Solstice.
Which was yesterday and it was a lovely day, even if I did have to work in retail for another Christmas lead up.
But my gift to me was that I gave notice to my employer! I finish on 8 January after 5+ years at the House of Bun. I will be sad to leave but onward and upward, right?
I put Sally's name down for a new childcare venue in my new local area. That was big and freaky, but even more freaky was getting my daughter's name onto a class list. For 2015. For school. Woh freaky grown up feelings there!
Oh we sorted out our wills, power of attorney, superannuation and life insurances. Also a HUGE stroke of very grown up.

Just to show I'm not crazy

2011-10-25T12:55:00.000+10:30

I'll write an update shortly on the life of Emma but for now, let me tell you what I did today. I went and saw a new doctor, under my own steam, and talked about a new treatment modality I'm going to try.

Let me tell you that the idea for a book is burbling around in my head. Because being the victim of a motor vehicle accident, and then coming out the other side of it, is something that you should be warned of at the beginning.

It is truly liberating to go to a doctor today, and not have to hand over my client number or name lawyers. And the doctor I saw cleared up a few thing, namely that I'm not crazy.

Yes, the tinnitus is because of my injury. It's inflammation-caused though, which is why it fluctuates.
Yes, my arms really are longer! I have complained/commented about this recently and over the past few years, that arms of long sleeved shirts never are long enough. And today the doctor explained that because of my injury I roll my shoulders forward and droop my arms longer!
Yes, pain is pain. It's not just "because". It is genuine and NORMAL and treatable and most importantly - is real.
Yes the injury I've had to my pelvis and the ongoing symptoms are consistent. I didn't have to convince him of this though which was surprising!
Yes my sense of taste and smell have diminished because of inflammation as well - not because I'm crazy.

The treatment I'm having is going to be $$$$ but from what I've heard so far from others enjoying it, and from scouring the internet, it is genuine and offers me a chance to get back to being

I want an unfurrowed brow.
I want to sleep easily.
I want to not feel like I'm always on tenterhooks.
I want some reserves in energy. And mood.

This is aside from wanting my life back.

Follow your bliss

2011-09-05T14:34:00.045+09:30

"If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Wherever you are—if you are following your bliss, you are enjoying that refreshment, that life within you, all the time."

--Joseph Campbell

My bliss is not really allowing me to follow it at the moment. Sigh ok sure that's the point. That if I follow the tiny smidge of bliss in my life I will live the life I should be living.

The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure.

--Joseph Campbell

So I decided after a lot of to-ing and fro-ing that I would apply for a graduate position as a midwife. At best, it would mean I have another option for 2012, as our house purchase fell through due to a technicality in our financing (damn you GFC!)

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.

--Joseph Campbell

I'm trying to embrace all of these things.

I am waiting until 15 September to find out what is happening with my court case. Chances are that there will be another delay, to go with the other 4 that I've had. Colour me VERY surprised if that doesn't happen.
We will decide what we're doing with housing then. Until then, just staying in the moment. Surrounded by boxes.
We will get a rental for 6 months (Sept-March) in an area we like - on the tram line perhaps? Near the beach? Near a cafe strip?
Or if we do settle, we'll look into buying a house.
Then early November I'll find out if anyone wants to take me on as a graduate (bwahahahahaha I'm not betting that they will - I am brilliant on paper until you get to the "Do you have a disability" part and then I'm sure I'll go to the bottom of the list). But I think I can set a start date for March 2012.
The adventure is that I've applied for country placements. Which makes life more complicated but more of an adventure!
Which leaves me with finishing up at Bunnings in December, after 5 years there. I'll have to work out what to do with the shares I hold in the Bunnings parent company when I leave there.

But for now, I'm just waiting for TheBabe to drive around on her car.

Back to midwifery

2011-09-03T14:33:00.000+09:30

There is a lot of swirling in midwifery recently - the past 2 weeks have been rather tumultuous.

Which made me realise that I've not posted about midwifery in a long time. Lots of reasons - I am only 15 weeks away from finishing my degree, I have applied for a graduate position after a LOT of heartache and back and forthing with TheHusband, and it's just been a damn hard slog. I'm a little over it but I also need to dive back in.

But recently there's been a lot in the media - one midwife dragged into court to face a very one-sided roasting, midwives running around like chickens sans head about nothing, and lots of mentions about the rate of homebirths going up. All things to tempt me out of the hermitage!

And getting my brain working again. What I think this adds up to is that there is a push to define what a midwife is. Not just in the ways it's been done (to death) already but in a specific, task-oriented, check this list kind of way. So that if you palpate a belly, check any physiological measure, or whatever I've spent the past 5 years learning how to do - not the important stuff of working with women but the practical skills - then I need to be registered. And just as practicing medicine without a license is a crime, so practicing midwifery without registration will be.

And what that means is that only registered midwives will be allowed to practice midwifery. So midwives who are off the register won't be allowed to practice. Not just "are not allowed to call themselves midwives" but won't be allowed to support women in pregnancy or birth. Which I think is what some midwives in private practice have been working towards all along. And it will be the undoing of midwifery and be more limiting that freeing.

Midwifery will get more few layers. Doulas who do the old-fashioned and SO VALUABLE stuff of midwifery of supporting women in their travail with no medical advice involved; lay midwives who combine herbology, aromatherapy, body work, psychology and so much else to caring for women in their community; registered midwives in private practice hog-tied by insurance and regulation to not attend anyone who is not perfectly "no risk"; eligible for Medicare registered midwives doing even less midwifery and more paperwork; and the rest of the midwives who are able to go to work in the system.

And thus there will be another change in how women are served. We started off attending the births of our friends and neighbours, then worked on our own, trained apprentices doing the attending and so on. We tended our gardens and the ill, laid out the dead and welcomed the new, and our reputations were the most important.

Then changes came with the invention of anaesthetic and forceps and thus obstetricians were separated from midwives and the skills were separated. And so much was lost for the women.

Then into the hospitals.
Then into the universities.
And now this.

Call me paranoid but I think the persecution of Lisa for her role in a tragedy that had little to do with her and instead is part of the push to define midwives and limit practice of my craft to only those that hold registration.

To the woman in the shops today with the child...

2011-08-28T19:23:00.000+09:30

I came home today from work and saw an article by Janet Fraser entitled "To the woman at the shops with the weeping babe".

I saw you today, at the shops, my sister. I saw you pushing a pram, perusing scarves, unable to respond to the bleating, hiccupping cries and jagged breaths of your newborn. I heard the babe cry out over and over, “Help me. Hold me close. Comfort me. Show me I’m not alone.” and yet in your aloneness, you were kept from responding. Was I seeing the trauma of your babe’s birth in action? The fragmented care of a brutal maternity system which prizes compliance above wellness? The ugly effects of industrialised parenting and the mould into which we are all shoved in this 21st century Sparta? I saw your babe’s face as she shut down and stared blankly at you from the pram and I felt my heart break for you both.

And it has encouraged me to write about something I saw today.

I see you, woman that could be me. I saw you stalk by, wound up tighter than a spring and glowering at everyone who passed. You were a woman on a retail mission today, something clasped in your hand and an item in your mind. You and many others were in the store and they were in your way and I could see that everything was going to annoy you. How much it clearly annoyed you that your child was with you, that your child existed in your timeline for consumption today.

I saw your daughter, frisky and boisterous in her enjoyment of the freedom of childhood. Probably irritating as fingers through cornflour, but really, what harm is there in a little frustration at your offspring's mercurial and inexplicable moods? As you stalked by she stopped to gather a trolley for her treasures. Isn't that what childhood is about? Learning to borrow a trolley, learning to keep your treasures safe and enjoying the excitement of a trip to a store when the reason is lost on you? Isn't it about taking time slowly because childhood whips past so quickly? About learning the tradeoffs between having to suffer the inconvenience of accompanying your mother to the shops instead of the park, because you get a trolley for a few minutes?

Is it really important that you had to stop a moment to untangle the trolley for your daughter? Her yelp at being caught up on another trolley was one of frustration but perhaps, if you'd waited, she would have sorted it out and you could have had a wry smile on your face, a mixture of pride and amusement and something to salve your own anger. And she would have happily gamboled along with you instead of slinking along, rubbing her thigh.

Instead, at that yelp, I saw your anger, your hurt, your baggage, gather suddenly and focus on your child and instead of helping her, you rounded on her and took two swooping fast strides down from the pedestal you are on as her mother, and even as she said "No mummy!" in a thin piping but strong voice, you picked her up and bundled her down an aisle and slapped her. I heard it, clear as day. You smacked her, in public and in a way that made me shake on the inside. In a way that reminded me of a childhood, and made me feel sick.

No one stopped you. No one asked if she was alright, even as she cried and you picked her up roughly and continued to stalk down the store. I hope you were mortified and embarrassed, just as I was shaking and upset at this and had to take a few deep breaths.

And I'm no better for putting my employment above standing up for a child.

If my husband did that to me, there would be police called and cups of tea made but because it's a parent doing it to a child, it's ok in many people's eyes. I hate people who hit their children. There is not justification for it. It is wrong and a symptom of how screwed up the world is that people are going to argue with me on that.

I remember being smacked by my parents and what I remember isn't the lesson learned - I remember so many other things and so many chips in our relationship.

Seventeen months old!

2011-08-12T18:11:00.000+09:30

Dear S - you have been with me in individuality for 17 months. You have turned my world upside down and back to front and put it back together in ways I can't convey and can't quite believe.

In the past week, you have become even more amazing and astounding. You've learnt so many words! Book, sock, fish, cheese, peas, beer, biscuit, car, cat... and so many more! Mama, daddy, papa, Katie and Zaza as well. You also waited last Saturday for me to get home to show me that you can clamber up my side and let go and stand on your own.

You've done some growing as well - 80cm long and out of a heap of your size 1 tops! You are 10kg and because of the increase in your length/height I am loving wrapping you on my back again. I know you're growing because you've gone back to a 7am wakeup, morning napy and then midday nap. That and eating me out of most things in the fridge.

You love reading books and making noises for things, such as a dog bark (urh urh) and beep beep on a nose. You are suddenly in love with a stuffed cotton bunny that I wish I could remember the gifter for, and it's cute to see you ask for it last thing at night. You have so many words for foods and feed me and hungry and more and I love the amazing leaps you're making in communication. Which is lovely given that you spent last week screeching in frustration at me and not sleeping. But the LEAP in development is pay off.

Oh baby do you love dancing! And talking, singing, la la la ing along, and having whole conversations with people. You love to say "Haaaaiiiii!" to anyone we see and you love to smile with your whole body. You love food - mandarin, cheese, peas, meat, egg, grapes. Not so keen on banana and avocado.

You are slightly a neat freak with sorting and storing things. You get a bit upset when things aren't in the right spots and love to unpack the plates cupboard or the baking drawer. Your receptive language is obviously huge compared to your spoken language and I have to be careful to remember that. You can stack blocks, play with a large ball, put things away and LOVE musical instruments and shaking things for rhythm.

A pencil or crayon and some paper and you're a happy girl. You love to scribble and write and play with colour. You love watching me draw as well and are impressed with my skills which is amusing given I have no drawing skills! You ask "Whatisthat!?" all the time and can follow instructions sometimes. You do get upset when something bad happens though - a spilled glass of water or a broken glass and you're upset even if I or TheHusband don't show any kind of upset.

It's funny isn't it that so many of your fine motor skills are well developd but you're not walking yet. You crawl and climb and clamber and frankly, I'm fine with you not walking just yet. You're hard enough work without that added bonus! I know you'll get there really soon - just in time for summer so you can toddle in the park and at the beach and in the bush. You can feed yourself well, love using adult-sized cutlery and insist on eating what I'm having which means that I'm watching what I eat a lot more than I used to! You love yoghurt and brown rice and fruit, or porridge.

You are the light of my life. My life revolves around you and I love it.

Blargh

2011-08-09T21:10:00.000+09:30

I have a strange thing with my chest. I've had whooping cough twice, and when I get a cold or anything in Winter I get asthma that flares up. It sucks and is frustrating and distracting from the rest of the things I have to think about. Especially when I don't like taking my inhaler for it as it gives me the shakes but don't have many other options and have a lot to think on!

It's kind of a long list at the moment. Buying a house is heinously stressful. There is so much crap and fluff and ritual around it. So many boxes to tick and fit into and then other bits that are skated over. It's kind of confusing for the first timer, ya know? And then when I know what I'm doing it'll all be done and I won't do this again evah ;).

I did joke to TheHusband today that the next time we buy our first home it'll be a lot easier. Har har.

At this stage, we are settling at the end of August and moving in the first half of September. Our landlord who is a GEM has offered to advertise the place from that stage as well which means we *might* not have to pay rent at the same time as rent. Maybe.

Add to that that my last placement EVAH for my degree is going to be difficult to manage because I got option number "not even on my list" which means I have to drive an hour each way each shift and there's a lot on my mind at the moment. But I have been doing some knitting - I finished another Milo just the other day, and have knit more of my super secret project as well.

And look! I posted a blog post. Which isn't a fabulous one (yes I did take my inhaler and am all over the place) but it is done! Good night.

On doing my tax

2011-07-23T13:44:00.014+09:30

Did my tax. Sigh. I wish we could just agree to get back roughly $x of what we pay out through the year. Agree on some deductions, agree on some surcharges. And be done. Cause I get the same amount back roughly each year.

It did take me a while to do my tax this year. I've had a husband for the entire year and a child for the entire year as well. But I had to wait on so. many. pieces. of. PAPER - Centrestink, Flinders University, Adelaide University, Bunnings, share statements - that it took 2 weeks to get through.

I love doing my tax. I know some people get upset about it. That "their money" is hanging out somewhere other than in their hands for up to a year, and should be theirs instead! But I like having some forced savings through the year, and a money balance sheet that is in my favour.

Now I'm waiting for the money to come back to us. What with buying a new house and all, the money we can get in needs to be accounted for and the more the merrier! So much more for the plans we have for next year as well.

But that's for another post ;).

On how to buy a house

2011-07-19T12:41:00.000+09:30

This was #10 in yesterday's list but I thought I'd write it out today.

A few weeks ago my settlement conference for my motor vehicle accident for going on 4 years and 2 months ago got delayed. Again. By 5 weeks this time. Which would be laughable if it didn't also come up against a whole lot of other stress in my life.

Like - our lease here is up in early October. So either we need to keep this lease up even though TheHousemates want to move on; or move from here to another place that is affordable; or buy a house. Actually that is only the distillation of the whole process, because there are a huge list of backs and forwards in there, and costs and benefits and challenges. In the end, we decided to go ahead with the craziness of buying a place.

So we (I) had to decide:

where to live
what to live in
how much we could afford
what kind of loan to get
how to find a house
and the whole process of buying it!

in the space of a few weeks. Phew! It was TOUGH going because for some reason I was seized by an urge to do so RIGHT THIS MINUTE and when we (I) found our little house I knew why the urge was so strong!

Because it was the right time to find TheNook. It is perfect.
It has 3 bedrooms.
It has a loo separate to the bathroom.
It has land to grow on.
Which faces north, which is all kinds of exciting because it is better for growing all year round, and for heat management for the house.
It already has solar panels which are feeding into the grid.
It's in good condition for its age.
It's been painted recently.

So now is the time to move and as we've not moved or packed in 2+ years this is going to be "fun" right?

Right????

In which my blog morphs into a house reno type blog...

2011-07-01T13:10:00.011+09:30

No not really but dear blog, I do have a lot to share with you!

I've had a serious attack of Life (TM) recently so my blog has just fallen down the list of priorities. I has gotten me to thinking though that blogging about deeply personal stuff, like working my way through the steep learning curve that is putting an offer in on a house, is something I'm better at doing in hindsight. Plus I was so caught up in the doing that I couldn't also take time to do the blogging about it, ya know?

I have been so caught up in the last few weeks with Life (TM) that I've also not been looking after myself very well. Sigh. It seems that I fall off my "to do" list so much more quickly than other things, and when I'm limited with my number of spoons* I just don't have time for me. Silly Emma though because that then reduces the number of spoons* I have and so on and so on.

So as well as blogging, I plan on doing:

a massage
a haircut and colour
fitting the gym back into my weekly schedule, twice a week
finish TheChilderbeast's quilt
catching up with friends
planning my future better
cooking and baking
spending time with my lovely TheHusband and TheChilderbeast
doing my tax
and - buying a house

No I didn't forget about the title of the blog. But for now, short and sweet is the name of this game!

The long and short of it

2011-06-05T13:52:00.000+09:30

I went to the gym today. I worked out hard enough to work up a sweat, which is unusual for me. What was more unusual was that I rowed, and used the weights machines, and found a fit ball and a wall and made sweet lovin' to them both.

Yesterday I took my sorry left leg and shoulder to an exercise physiologist. I had no idea how much help he'd be but after seeing a physio (or three) and a personal trainer (or three) with no joy, I needed a plan C. The physio gave me exercises to solve my "injury" which is crap, as I'm not "injured" and won't "be cured of an injury". The personal trainer was all "Wah your left leg is atrophied and you're very lopsided - let me focus on your left!" despite me saying that doing so made my left sacral-iliac joint burn and could we not?

This is not my current physio by the way. He is awesome. Well, he's horrible and nasty and has big pointy long needles that he insists on sticking into my muscles some 7cm (!) but he's worth his weight in gold and I do recommend him to everyone who needs a physio come acupuncturist.

So I went to the gym and rowed and such. I also sorted three baskets of washing, parented fed watered boobed and loved on my small, ate breakfast and lunch, took said small to child care, did the gym, showered, visited with my sister, am now blogging and am out to dinner with TheHusband this evening to celebrate his thesis getting examined.

This is a Big Deal (tm) by the way but kind of sort of not mine. Yes it means a lot to TheHusband and by extension me, but not to me directly.

Unlike the other big things which have happened recently, which include that my settlement of my injury case, now 4 and a bit years in the going, has been delayed AGAIN. To 22 June this time. Sigh. But that means it'll be done before the last evah exam that I have to sit for my degree, which is 29 June and yes I should start thinking about studying for it. Or even having a clue about what I'm meant to know for it.

So the delayed court date, again, for the third time, came after being given a ballpark figure of settlement for my case. So that means that we are now a bit more prepared for the future in that we can start to daydream about the future, and to think on what we're going to do.

Ugh. This is a BIG DEAL (TM) in the Vanilla household though. A big deal to take your life off hold and start to progress it towards... well, as our financial planner will want to know, towards what?

So
many
OPTIONS for our future that it's a tad overwhelming. And I have to start making decisions now about things for next year as graduate positions are being publicised at the moment, with applications in August which is really soon.

But the idea of doing a fulltime ish program is underwhelming for so many reasons. Not only would I rather never work than go and work in the system that I've been a part of as a student, I also don't want to work fulltime or even 0.84.

But I have to do something with my time next year.
But I am hearing from more mainstream than my crunchy freerange friends that they'd never take on a midwife who was fresh out of school.
Which leads me to doubt myself.

BLAH.

On night shift and life

2011-05-19T17:43:00.000+09:30

Night shift is kind of hard to describe. Unless you've worked in an industry that does night shifts of some flavour, you don't really know what it's like. So let me explain:

On Monday, I took the day pretty easy. I had Sally in childcare that afternoon and had an hour-long nap. When she got home, I had another hour-long nap with her. Then dinner late (7pm instead of the usual 6pm), changed and dressed with a coffee by 8:30pm for a 9pm start.

I have to take another meal to eat overnight. I tend to get a break around midnight, and express at that point as well, then another break around 3am. I eat an extra meal at midnight (what do you call that? It's not supper to me, but it's between dinner and breakfast so I don't know?) with a coffee as well. Then another snack at 3am, with a tea or something sweet. By this stage I've been awake going on 24 hours with only 2 hours of naps in there, and I'm using anything I can to stay focused and alert.

It's a strange time, those hours past about 11pm til about 6am. I don't usually feel tired per se, but am obviously fatigued. I have to focus on drinking water and not focusing on the clock too much. Time goes strangely without reminders of what time it is.

So 6am ish comes around and I'm sent home as there's not much else going on. I get home and eat breakfast. Then feed Sally and TheHusband takes her to a friend's house who then drops her to childcare for me to pick her up in the afternoon.

Have I mentioned how much I love my friends?

Then I wash my face and brush my teeth and go to bed by about 6:30am. Today I slept til 1pm with only a brief up/loo/drink moment. So only 4.5 hours of sleep. But as today is my "day off", which I use very loosely as it's really a sleep day after a night shift, not a day that I can do much in, I don't want to be anything other than tired because otherwise I won't sleep tonight and will be messed up for the next few days.

So that gives a small thumb sketch of how a night shift goes. If it's more than one in a row obviously, I would be napping and preparing mentally for another night. Night shifts are fine in short bursts and the HUGE fabulous point of this is that this is the LAST ONE that I have to do until October.

And no, I don't know what I'm doing next year and whether I'll have to do more of these. So many options, so many variables, so much but so little time as well.

Do you carry stamps in your wallet?

2011-05-07T17:55:00.011+09:30

Ages ago, I was watching Dr Phil while writing an assignment and there was an article on it about stamps in your wallet. I found a summary elsewhere of it:

While describing conscientiousness he used an example of people who carry stamps with them in their wallet. Dr. Phil then asked his audience how many people had stamps with them in their purse, approximately 10 people raised their hands and then reached into their purse to pull out their trusty sheet of stamps. Dr. Phil was shocked that anybody would carry stamps with them, actually stating that he didn't understand why anybody would do such a thing.

The Professor went on to explain that people who score very high in conscientiousness are the type of people that carry around stamps with them and almost always buy extra of things long before they run out of anything! GUILTY! I am totally guilty of both! I proudly carry stamps around with me AND buy multiples of things long before they run out. I can't for the life of me understand why people wouldn't carry a sheet of stamps in their wallet, its such a small item to have with you, besides what the heck do you do when you spontaneously need to mail something and don't have a stamp with you?!!! I also can't understand why people actually allow themselves to run out of stuff without having a replacement.

Isn't it so annoying to run out of something and have to wait to finish whatever you were doing until after you run to the store...heaven forbid it should be toilet paper! Of course this could explain why I will have 4 extra shampoos, 15 bars of soap and 25 cans of rotel acquired before I leave Germany! Admittedly, the lack of closets and pantry is definitely helping curb my desire to have too many extras of anything, because if its one thing that bothers me more than running out of something, its not having a place for that something to live!

So, do you have stamps in your wallet? TheHusband teases me because I do. I have stamps on hand and stamps in my wallet. They are old enough now that I've had to buy 5c stamps to keep using them, and then 10c stamps as well, as the price of postage went up.

I'm surprised that it says anything about me. I do a lot of those things and I didn't realise it was a personality test.

Not the royal wedding

2011-04-29T14:19:00.000+09:30

I am sitting at home in silence because I cannot stomach watching the royal wedding. I am impressed that a wedding of that size was brought together so quickly - a friend of mine has just announced a save the date for 5.5 years' time! so they can save and get organised - but apart from that, I don't care. I also dislike the amount of attention for what should be a family affair, and am astounded at the hype around it for two people who are already in love, living together occassionally, and so forth, formalising their arrangement. I also don't give two hoots about whether she'll be queen, queen mother, king's wife or whatever.

Why yes, repulican here how did you pick?

So to celebrate something far more interesting and important, here is my favourite photo from my wedding day. Self-portrait, at the end of our photo shoot, freezing our legs off by that stage and keen for a spa, some cake and champagne, and our holiday to begin!

We eloped. We had a lovely holiday. It was cold. My dress was orange, not red as the picture implies.

Our rings are titanium but TheHusband damaged his between pallets at work, so I want to replace that with a simpler one sometime soon.

Our wedding was just one day of our lives together. We're coming up to having had 6 lovely years together, 2 married, 5 homes, 1 child and lots of laughs.

I get a bit teary when I hear of Christchurch and the damage to it, as it's a special magical place in my memory. We are really wanting to go back there sometime soon!

So happy wedding day to all who've had one, all who plan one, and all who love them. I hope that any couple marrying today is as happy as we are.

Orange bread! Or how to hide another vegetable in dinner

2011-04-26T20:37:00.001+09:30

Our oven door exploded 3 weeks ago. AUGH it is the bane of my life at the moment.

I think I'll bake some... nope.
I want to make a slow cooked... nope.
I have leftover fruit so could whip up some... nope.

And so on.

I also got a fabulous pumpkin from a friend's yard on the weekend, and in true Samhain style to celebrate the harvest, I made damper with said pumpkin to share for lunch tomorrow.

Ah hah! No, I didn't bake it. Or make a fire. I used the Bessemer my lovely sister gave us for a wedding gift.

First time ever using it to "bake" in and it worked a treat. It is sheer tiredness that is keeping me from eating the whole thing RIGHTNOW with butter and a hot cup of tea.

Pumpkin damper
Not too sweet, not too savoury. Sadly it is a bit "a pinch of this" recipe but I hope you can follow along.

Ingredients
1/4 of a pumpkin - about 600g
2 and a bit cups of plain flour, converted into self raising flour
A big pinch of cinnamon
About half that of ginger
1/4C of cream
1/2C milk
Pinch of salt
A small palmful of sugar

Ugh when it's written out like that it looks really weird. But I cook by feel and sound so that's how it's written.

Anyways - cut the pumpkin skin off and then cut it up, steam it til it's soft, cool and then squish down with a fork. You don't want a puree but squished bits of pumpkin. Well, I don't anyway - I like a bit of texture. Add the rest of the ingredients and mash together with a fork. The "bit" of flour is because you need to work it with your hands a little, and it should be a fairly damp dough. Sometimes you'll need a bit more flour than other times. It depends on the pumpkin and the flour and the cream/milk and the phase of the moon. But the dough shouldn't be overworked, or too dry. Damp.

Heh that's the "damp" part of damper perhaps?

Ahem.

Form it up into a cob and put it on a floured baking tray in a 200C oven. Or in the Bessemer if you have one, on a low heat for about 1/2 an hour. It kind of steams rather than bakes, in the Bessemer, so it won't sound hollow when it's done but it'll taste just as good.

*****

So this is an awesome way to get more pumpkin into someone, and it goes well with tomato soup or based meals, any soup especially pumpkin, sweet things as well as it's a bit sweet. I put a bit of paprika in it sometimes too, or chilli. It goes well with Mexican food too.

Contemplating my navel

2011-04-25T14:50:00.068+09:30

Where do you escape to? Where do you escape from? I do so into my shower. Or cup of tea. Depending on the day and whether Sally is around, I can sometimes have a shower alone or a hot cup of tea.

Rarely both in one day though.

Oh - someone asked me what to do with a Sally-sized childerbeast when in the shower? If her being in the shower isn't an option, such as when shaving or if she has already bathed, I stick her in the bath with a LOT of toys. The shower abutts the bath so she can see me and I can see her and it's a deep bath so she can't get out.

For now, because she's worked out how to stand up and sit down. And with cruising that means that climbing is not far off.

Anyways, so the shower. I escape from the world into a warm, white-noise dominated, pleasant and reassuring. I think we all need a place to go, for silence and comfort, for consolation or a little private jig when something goes right. In the out-of-focus latte-coloured tiled and glass box, I can stand and be whatever I am that day. In my shower, I only have to deal with what's within arm's reach. Soap, shampoo, tiles, water - all have a place, and a purpose, and an honesty. Running water does not lie to me. My navel is open for gazing in.

In recent years, perhaps the last 5 (4 in particular) the shower has been my epiphany, my muse. In the bathroom my focus on life changes from a ways over there, to just a few feet, when I take off my glasses and my clothes and wait for the hot water to run through. In the daylight hours, or the bright lights of the ceiling extractor fan, I am forced to stand, literally and figuratively, naked, and contemplate myself. Truly see myself for that moment. To look myself in the eye and assess how I'm doing. In the shower, feeling spray on my shoulder and neck, I realise things that I otherwise would not or could not face. Often just a small thing, like why I have hoarding tendancies (That was this morning's epiphany. It's so that I have something to look forward to. I'll unpack that one in a later post too I think).

I have made some amazing realisations and decisions in the shower. Some not so exciting or profound, of course, but the daily ritual of revealing my 31 year old body and seeing how things change or how I'm feeling, is a distancing but at the same time connecting ritual. I see myself for who and what I am, in the warm light of the heat lamps or the cool sunlight on an Autumnal morning. In that moment, before I shower and dry and put on moisturiser and choose a face from the jar and gird my loins for the day, I look at myself - confident, genuine, concerned, upset, lost, found. I can lie to the world for the rest of the day but to myself, in the mirror, in the slightly-steamy moments I cannot lie to myself. I can dress up or down, choose funky shoes or sexy underwear, interesting socks or a different scarg but I can't hide, in my eyes and face, that which a careful observer might see. My skin my fluctuate, my hair misbehave, my physical form improve or decline, my bright points and dark nooks blend into the greynes of normality and reality, but in the end I cannot hide my soul nor my light under a bushel.

Where do I get my writing style from?

2011-04-23T11:40:00.002+09:30

Heh did you even notice I have one? I didn't realise until the other day that I can pinpoint the inspirational writing that inspired me to write and convey the stuff that's in my head. The following article is probably the biggest inspiration but more than that - it really does sum up how I think and my writing may as well reflect that. I have developed it further of course, and do occassionally talk like this (especially when tired, frazzled or excited) and do write neatly for academic reasons. But I do also like to acknowledge my sources!

So here is the article, entitled "Thesis of Superman":

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU.

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I
play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

Anyone else tired of being frugal?

2011-04-21T07:59:00.016+09:30

Is anyone else out there tired of being frugal?

It's like the unspoken elephant in the room sometimes when I'm talking to other frugal-types. Not just the pissing contest type conversations about who's more frugal, but the genuine frustrations of needing to do x and only having y options because of frugality, poverty, or ambition.

This thought started when I got sick of our toilet paper. It's not the cheapest, but I thought it was a good compromise between tissue-paper thin and the uber expensive, while also being a little bit green. But one time too many of having to ration the paper so that I got enough coverage without taking 2m of the stuff made me realise that I wish I didn't have to make these decisions. That I sometimes wish money wasn't an issue.

I am happy to buy a greener product.
I'm happy to buy a larger pack at a lower unit cost, or a different brand to see if there's a cheaper alternative.
Or even, a more expensive brand that is something else I value - locally made, or without x or y.

But what I'm tired of is the penny-pinching just to get by. We're not destitute or poor but going on 5 years of student-ship means we're close to the bone while still achieving some savings goals. And that means making the tough decisions about toilet paper.

Ok woe is me - first world privilege, I has it. I am able to make these decisions. I am able to choose what toilet paper I buy, and opt for one over the other so that money flows elsewhere in our budget.

But in the meantime, I will enjoy the trappings of my life and ponder whether this is why some people go off the rails. Whether we all need a little "thing" in our frugality that means we don't go crazy. For me it's dried spices. I buy them, and I use them generously. Others might scrimp on what they use, how much they use, when they use it or don't use it or what they cook. I also buy and use nice tea and collect tea things (pots and cups).

I do know though that this kind of stress can turn into something more than toilet paper. And living on our budget at the moment means that when I start working professionally we'll be well set to save and prosper. And that these habits are those that self-made rich people use to get the most out of each dollar.

But sometimes, I wish for nice loo paper.

Tautology rules!!

2011-04-19T11:18:00.020+09:30

I applied for a position blogging for someone else. Crazy talk perhaps?

I have shown I can blog every day for a month (ugh). It was a hard slog and boring towards the end but do'able.

So here's my application for posterity. And so you can wish me luck.

Hello! My name is Emma and I'm mama to a 13 month old girl. I write a mishmash of a blog at the moment but would love to focus my writing on one topic, in a different forum, and have my own blog for the rest of my writings that aren't about being a mama.

I am happy to commit to blogging regularly - I find it cathartic and enjoyable. I love taking photographs and have a dSLR and am not afraid to use it. I'm actually enthralled with learning how to use it, and Photoshop, and would love to develop my skills further! I'm comfortable with sharing my life with people as well and have been blogging about bits and pieces for ages!

I am a fun mama even though my daughter is only 13 months. I am crafty, I knit, sew, paint, experiment with lots of things, am wanting to learn to play the ukulele and I sing in a choir. I live in Adelaide and have done for 5 years now, and love the city. I also own a Thermomix, am a great cook, have an interesting family and a photogenic cat.

Plus I have a lot of friends who'd stalk my posts and drive business through your site.

I'd love to blog about lots of not quite mainstream elements of parenting though, so am not sure you'd be interested in my story and journey. I have tattoos, had a private midwife for my pregnancy, homebirthed, we co-sleep and co-parent, I am a mature-age student nearly finished with a midwifery degree, I am book smart and well-spoken. I dress eclectically, op-shop with determination, love tea and baking, and have a soft spot for peppermint. I also garden, have an interest in herbs and traditional medicines, am staunchly feminist and unapologetically interesting. What I do have is a fabulous marriage, a whole suite of potentially life-changing events on the horizon, a warm demeanor and a lot of confidence.

What I don't have is a photogenic gene in my body so I do apologise for the picture of me attached. But wanted you to have a face for my name! Hope to hear from you soon.

Wish me luck, yes?

And for posterity, I can share that back in the day I got sent an email that inspired my writing style. I'll blog about that on another day, yes?

Oven exploded - sad face

2011-04-17T23:18:00.000+09:30

Am I going to look back at this blog in 5,10, 20 years and be able to groan at my language as being so... teens? Are we up to them already? Anyways, yes, our oven door exploded. This is not ours but it is similar to what happened.

The safety glass exploded off the front of the door, and is now taped up with safety cardboard. It's been 2 weeks without an oven and I am getting a bit annoyed with the whole process. I keep thinking that I'll just bake bread... nope. I'll just make some muffins... nope. I'll just pop a casserole... nope. I'll just invite people over for dinner and... nope.

Ok so Thelma the Thermomix is getting a lot of a workout but I'm noticing that I love to combine things and pop them in the oven or the slow cooker. And then write, study, photograph, play with Sally or do what I want. Instead I'm cooking quickly with Thelma, and not getting any baking done.

I don't mind the not baking so much as I still don't have a sweet tooth. TheHusband on the other hand I'm sure is missing my skills. I love baking for so many other reasons and I am getting better with steaming things in Thelma but it's not the same, ya know? And it's not quite as easy to make steamed pudding things, rather than "what's left in the fridge yes oatmeal and some fruit and random chocolate and fruit yoghurt sure that'll taste delicious in my normal recipe". And they don't keep as well either.

But the batter is so. YUMMY!!! when made with coconut cream.

I do need to get my hands on some new silicon cupcake pans though. The only ones I can find are bee shaped or fairy shaped or flower shaped. These don't work in the confines of the Varoma on top of Thelma but I'm reluctant to buy them online and pay for postage as well.

Grow where you are planted

2011-04-14T09:03:00.016+09:30

It can be so hard to look on the bright side of life when there are so many other places you would like to be. And "if life hands you lemons, make lemonade" doesn't really describe it. It's not about making the best of a bad situation. It's not about being happy with wanting something, getting something just as functional but not ideal, and making something! even! better! out of it.

It's all very Biblical of me to draw on this proverb as it is from Corinthians. And there is lots of interpretation of it on the webs about the Biblical approach to this but that's not where I'm coming from, although it does show that (a) I heard this somewhere, (b) some aspects of Christianity are universal and (c) it is universal.

But when it comes down to it, the take-home message is that adverse life-situations need not prevent you from having a successful and fulfilling life.

There are lots of things in my life right now that I don't like because they are situations that are not what I want, and not where I'm happy. Physically I am troubled by my lack of (not being able to do the couch-to-5k program that got me started in running 7 years ago, and that people who are less motivated, less fit, less driven, less experienced, less pigheaded, have taken up and wah! I want to be able to do that even though I hated running and am not athletic) fitness, I am flailing because I am not finished my (degree of doom with vague scents of a groundhog day) studies, I'm sick of being a student and not having income when I'm putting effort into my life, and so on. I'm tired of working at Bunnings - I'm something (ashamed? embarassed? amazed?) about the fact that my longest employment has been at mininum wage in a position that I've gone nowhere in, because it was never a 5 year plan to be there.

But this in part clouds the rest of my life, where I am happy. I have a good marriage, a healthy fabulous child, earning capacity, a future to work towards and look forward to, a roof over my head, access to so many things that are first-world, and so much potential.

So it's not that I have lemons, and need to make the best of it. It's deeper than that. It's about being in a situation, planted somewhere specific, and having to not just get by. Not just dwell on the momentary need to make lemonade, but to put down roots and bloom.

And that's what I'm doing with this placement. It's not where I want to be with my midwifery - I want to work with women who trust their bodies, who understand what they're doing, who embrace and celebrate the journey, and joyously welcome labour and birth. But I am doing good things on my placement. I have identified what I want to learn from it and I'm learning. I'm stepping up and using the skills I have to support women in their chosen birth. I'm good at what I do and I have had to choose to bloom where I am planted.

Infrequent blogger is infrequent...

2011-04-10T19:59:00.000+09:30

I am still alive and here. I'm on placement at the moment.

I have ~~3 weeks~~ 7 days left of this placement.
Then 2 weeks more of placement, in about 6 weeks' time.
Then a week or so off, then another week of placement.

Then an exam.

Then a hand up of my portfolio.

And I'm done for this semester. Totally achievable.

And then next semester is 6 weeks of placement, 2 assignments and a portfolio hand up and it's done all together.

Then... what? Aiiiiieeeeeeee I don't know. So many options.

Graduate position - needs to be 0.8-fulltime which is 31-38 hours a week. I cringe to think of whether I can do that. Though the money would be good.
Maybe find a position somewhere at a lower load? Private hospital? Agency?
Take on 1 private client a month and see what happens there? Do it part time until Sally is a lot older?

Or the temptation is there to never ever practice midwifery and instead start up a business to sell gender-neutral baby and toddler clothes.
Or take up photography instead.
Or move to New Zealand.

It depends a bit on what happens when my court case resolves in a few weeks time. A friend mentioned the other day that she just had to help me through til May and I drew a blank of what I needed help with. After all, my exam isn't until July and my placements won't be over until late June... oh right, that court case.

Another huge unknown is what will happen with that. It's impossible to make plans without knowing whether it will resolve in my favour (highly likely), how big a settlement it'll be (no idea) and then what we can do with it. Can we buy a house? Do we buy a house? Where do buy a house? A fixer-upper? Something off the plan? Something that's rented and not move in?

Yeah. Lots of stress and unknown. I'm just trying to concentrate on one week at a time, one shift at a time. It's not easy but right now I have to concentrate on the path my feet are on, and ignore the maelstrom of eddies of fate and decisions that are out of my hands.

A long long time ago...

2011-03-28T18:36:00.000+10:30

I joined a forum. It was 2004 and I was in need of somewhere with women who were like me - post-university, not yet settled into a groove of life/love/career, and of many different backgrounds and persuasions. I found such a group and over the past 8 years or so, I've seen the women there grow up, get married, have children, lose parents, divorce, finish study, buy houses, discover new careers, travel the world and cook, knit, sew, paint, write and groove their way onwards. The forum also helped me through thick and thin, bad relationships, good books, job interviews, interstate moves, surgery and recovery, a proposal, a wedding and a baby. I'm not so active on there but it's a warm spot in my heart and one that Facebook and other sites help me stay in touch with.

The site is US-based but I've met some of the amazing women there - this one time I flew to Sydney just to meet one of them, because I so couldn't pass up the opportunity to meet her!!

And just the other day, one of the women on there cried out to the wilderness that is the internet. And it was noticed. Within minutes, the concern was raised within the group. Someone more local to her called her house, and was concerned enough with the non-answer that they contacted her husband, and then the authorities in her city, who intervened.

I woke up to this - it had happened while I slept. I was concerned to see the first post, then on tenterhooks to watch it unfold, and then relieved to see that it was resolved. And then I looked at the deeper meaning of the community that is there on that site. Women all over the world were aware that something wasn't right, and were prepared to speak up and do something about it. This doesn't happen in the real world, does it?

And why not?

Tomorrow will be my dancing day...

2011-03-11T14:54:00.000+10:30

Well tomorrow is Sally's first birthday. But today, I want to write about me.

This time last year, I was getting into labour land. I had my first contraction at 2am in the morning, and was gently working up to birthing a babe. I did a belly cast, ate a lovely meal, watched some movies, swayed and breathed and worked to bring my amazing nearly 1 year old earthside.

It was freaking hard work. Harder than I anticipated. But I did it and I became a mother in the wee hours of tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow is a celebration of Sally, in all of her feisty minded and cheeky cuteness.

Today is about me.

Today is about loving my body for doing the most amazing thing ever. I grew and birthed a whole new person!
Today is about letting myself be ok with the job I'm doing as a mama.
Today is about being amazed at what I've fed, watered and grown over the past year.
Today is about me being ok with my breastfeeding journey.
Today is about measuring what has passed and saying goodbye to it.
Today is about anticipating the amazing year to come - the walking, talking, challenging year to come.

Just wanted to share it, on today the anniversary of my labouring.

11 things to update you on for Sally!

2011-02-20T08:07:00.000+10:30

Cause she was 11 months old on the weekend before last.

Valentine's Day last year was my last day at work before I had a baby.

She is the most amazing, delightful and beautiful thing I have ever had the pleasure of. Even when things are tough, I know that things will be easy very soon afterwards.

She now eats food. Last month, she would play with it, taste it, and drop it. Now she eats. Which is FUN and GREAT but now I have to think of what to feed her.
She can pull herself up on low things - footstool, couch edge, mama's pants. Doesn't do much from there, and panics a bit once she's up as she can't work out how to get down, but she can do it. She does stand momentarily then collapses, so doesn't do it much but I think she'll just start walking one day soon, as she does like to walk holding our hands.
She has crawling down pat and is very amusing to watch. She gets a boost on when she wants to get to something moveable (cat) or something she's not supposed to have (cat food).
She waves goodbye and hello, catches people's eyes to chat to them, says "dat" and points, will follow direction (Chase papa! Where's mama?), loves banging things together or shaking them to make NOISE/music, and just last week learnt a whole new suite of syllables.
She has started to suck on a dummy, or on her thumb, but not for comfort - just for sucking on something. She sucks all the way on the lower edge of her thumb though, breastfeeding style, which is quite interesting, with lips flanged and K shaped.
She loves putting things into containers, understands no and ahuh and yes, nods and shakes her head, and gets an evil glint in her eye sometime when she's up to mischief. She also likes to crawl with whatever she was playing with, in her mouth, so when she stops it's there too. Object permanence?
She loves swimming in the ocean and the pool - a real water baby.
She has great pitch! She can aaaahhhhhh a note and hold it while mama finds a harmony and papa does too. It's rather creepy!
She has also worked out how to blow bubbles in her spit, with the same aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh. G...R....OSS.
She loves music, creating music, a good beat to boogie to, and any musical instrument. It's so lovely to watch her hunt down those toys at childcare.
She has broken the 9kg mark now, and is tall for her age, and has mama's arms - the longer-than-usual ones. Sigh. That's going to make winter top shopping a challenge.

Snapping point

2011-02-08T16:01:00.000+10:30

Do you have one? Mine apparently is when I have to wait and wait and wait. FUCK will SOMETHING just resolve, PLEASE?? Or I may have to take up a hermitage.

I am awaiting a client birthing. This one is not one of the things I'm remotely anxious about. It'll happen sometime this month, and I'm used to that - the being on call, the being prepared and not going too far from home but still getting on with my life. It's lovely to pack a bag each morning when I go out, with my camera, two lenses, 3 batteries, nappies etc for Sally and some snacks. Exciting even!

On the other hand, the following items are driving me insane with the waiting:

UniSA continues to demonstrate that they can't organise their way out of a wet paper bag. With a map. And a headlamp. And a trail of breadcrumbs. I have placement in a matter of weeks and after busting my hump to get my paperwork updated so I could put preferences in two weeks ago, I still don't know where I'm going. Placements were supposed to be out last week. But still nothing. And no response to my polite, friendly, chatty emails. I therefore also don't have a roster for placement. So I can't work out meals, childcare, cars, transport, whether we can billet someone
I don't have my training package from the ABA yet. Apparently it was posted to me in early December. I have been chasing it for 3 weeks now and *now* someone tells me this detail, revealing that it is likely to have been lost and therefore offering to send me another one. I have a training day on Saturday that will now be pointless as I don't have ANY work to do for the subject we're discussing.
Virgin Mobile have told TheHusband that he can have an iPhone4 in 10 days. I've been waiting for 4 weeks to be told when they'll even have stock of them. I am pissed at this. My phone is unreliable, frustrating and still on a plan so I'd rather stay with Virgin than move and have to pay out my contract. So I ask for an upgrade so I can stay with Virgin. Sure, that's fine says Virgin but we'll let you know when they're in stock. TheHusband calls yesterday and gets a different story. I call today and get told the same story as before. I am pissed at this because it's either a) one of us being lied to or b) him getting different treatment as he's male. Not sure which makes me angrier. I have a loan phone for the meantime but want it resolved.
I am waiting on pay for work I've done over the past few weeks, as a casual for two universities. Pay for these is notoriously fickle.
I have a court date for settlement of my injury claim, on the 22nd. But I'm waiting for an appointment with my lawyers. And for that date to come around as well.

Sigh. What I need in the meantime is a massage, someone to clean my floors, bathroom and toilet, a fairy to sort out the spare room, something to resolve some time soon, and some sleep.

Or just someone to cheer me on. And bring me wine.

The inside story on childcare

2011-02-04T14:14:00.000+10:30

Sally's been going to childcare 1-2 days a week for a few weeks now. And I thought I'd post the "why" and "whatfor" of what it means for me. Not in a defensive way either - this is, surprisingly enough, not a rant at anyone for a change. Maybe motherhood has tempered me.

Bwahahahaha. Hardly.

So yesterday she was at childcare as well but I spent the day running around doing errands. Hardly a pleasant day to be honest, or maybe it was a pleasant day but not enough to outweigh not having my babe around. We got up early, which meant Sally didn't get her extra hour's "night" sleep after motoring around for an hour. We showered together, then I dropped her at childcare, collected a lens that's on loan to me for a birth, had a remedial massage, had lunch at the markets to celerbate Chinese New Year with some girlfriends and their childers, went to Lincraft and picked Sally up. It was hot and humid! and then I had to go to work. Somewhere in there I also went to Target to collect a layby and buy new shorts as well. Way easier without a small to get in and out of the car, and carry around, and feed, change and entertain, no doubt about it. But it is also not my life at the moment.

Today however, we woke up, had a play, motored around, then Sally went down for a nap while I sorted out 5 baskets of washing. It is my pet HATE of housework - folding washing. Sally was up after an hour, we showered and packed up and I took her to childcare a little later than usual. A phonecall interrupted the drive but I spoke to my husband, who I didn't even see awake yesterday. Childcare dropoff was fine and I had a lovely chat with one of her carers. I walked out into the humid! weather and went home.

I'm now watching Secret Diary of a Call Girl, drinking hot tea and eating a biscuit. I am also blogging which I don't get to do much with a small at my feet. I have plans to have a coffee date with my husband this afternoon before we collect Sally from childcare. I know she's safe and happy there for a few hours today and this morning was a good connection so she is extra happy. I am doing what I want without interruption.

That's what mother's work is. Interruption. I can't do anything without interruption. Most of the time that is fine but uninterrupted sleep, hobby'ing, cleaning that cupboard that was grotty but I haven't had a chance to wipe over, painting my toenails - that's what I miss about the BC era (before childerbeast). Most of the time I can be piqued about it momentarily and then get on with the job, as anyone would. But when I'm stressed about Life, it helps to know that I can recharge the batteries just a little.

And if that's what childcare is to me - a chance to recharge - then I'm paying for the privilege anyways. I don't have parentals closeby to help out. I don't have friends who I can leave Sally with "just" so I can recharge. And until you've been a parent you don't, won't understand what it is to be empty and need a recharge. Needs some self-nurturing. Needs to just do. my. own. THING! for a few minutes, and stop when I want to, not to tend to a boo or feed a mouth or water a babe or do anything. Or do something because I want to. To recharge and nurture myself.

Who nurtures the nurturer if not... well, whom? Who helps me when I'm dealing with my own demons and angsts, and stresses and abrasions on my soul and I have to give so much to someone else. The days or weeks when I have stuff to deal with (alas, another post) I feel myself short with Sally. Cranky when she won't co-operate with my ridiculous and unfair expectations, like going to sleep. Upset that I can't be, do more for her. Upset at what I am and do for her already maybe not being enough.

And with that, I'm going to reclaim my kitchen, and clean that cupboard that's been annoying me.

Journey to a Puggle - who is 10 months today

2011-01-12T17:02:00.000+10:30

I don't think I've ever posted this! For shame!

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

10 things that I can't plan my way out of just yet.

2011-01-03T18:51:00.000+10:30

You all know just how much I detest not being able to plan? That "hurry up and wait" is the MOST irritating and distressing situation for me to be in? Well here are 10 things that I absolutely CANNOT plan for, around, up to or through, but will define 2011 for me:

Resolution of my motor vehicle accident?
Which will start with a phonecall tomorrow to my lawyer,
And another appointment with him and my other lawyer,
And then a court case in late February.

This was care of a surprise letter last week detailing my court date. I was expecting it to all drag on into 2012 and instead it might be all summed up and dealt with by the end of February. Cue a whole lot of tears, a lot of stress and anxiety, and lots of "what if"s.
Placement for school - details up on 18th of January
Freakout in the meantime because I went ahead and booked attendance at some truly awesome workshops and a conference but if school is horrible and insists that I am on placement that week, I'm lots of $$ out of pocket and really upset .
Choosing of placements in early February
Don't know when I actually find out about them
Sally to a maxilofacial surgeon on 24th of January

Ah I haven't told you about those dramas and her suspecte posterior tongue tie. I'll post later.
I have to start thinking about next year and applying for jobs, sometime soon (surprisingly soon in fact)

So I asked a friend to cast a rune for me and this is what she said:

I drew the blank rune for you~The Unknowable~The God Odin.

Blank is the end, blank is the beginning. This is the rune of total trust and should be taken as exciting evidence of your most immediate contact with your own true destiny which, time and time again, rises like the phoenix from the ashes of what we call fate.

The blank rune can portend a death. But that death is usually symbolic, and may relate to any part of your life you are living now. Relinquishing control is the ultimate challenge for the spiritual warrior.

Here the unknowable informs you that it is in motion in your life. In that blankness is held undiluted potential. At the same time both pregnant and empty, it comprehends the totality of being, all that is to be actualized. And if, indeed, there are matters hidden by the gods, you need only remember: what beckons the creative power of the unknown.

Drawing the blank rune may bring to the surface your deepest fears. Will I fail? Will I be abandoned? Will it all be taken away? And yet your highest good, your truest possibilities and all your fertile dreams are held within that blankness.

Willingness and permitting are what this rune requires, for how can you exercise control over what is not yet in form?

The blank rune often calls for no less an act of courage than the empty handed leap into the void. Drawing it is a direct test of faith.

The blank rune represents the path of Karma, the sum total of your actions and of their consequences. At the same time, this rune teaches that the very debts of old karma shift and evolve as you shift and evolve. Nothing is predestined: the obstacles on your path can become gateways that lead to new beginnings.

Take heart: know that the work of self change is progressing in your life.

So I consulted my horoscope for the year:

While no sign benefits more from the unsettling yet exciting changes trigger by the encounter between Jupiter and Uranus in Pisces on January 4, you won't necessarily recognise their potential. In fact, because this is the case with most developments, especially during the year's first half, you're urged to explore everything, even what seems unrealistic. Not only will circumstances be shifting, an often, with your ruler Neptune in Pisces from early April until August, you'll be conducting an extensive personal review.

Consequently, what you regarded as ideal as the year began could be very different by its close. Knowing that, ignore those who insist on a detailed plan. Instead, combine a review of long-cherished dreams with serious reflection on what, and who, make you glad to be alive, an allow those to shape your activities. Ther could be no better approach to 2011.

And then decided to have a drink.

10 things I won't be doing in 2011

2011-01-02T07:30:00.000+10:30

None of this resolution stuff. Here's a list of things I won't do instead!

Give up coffee. Or tea. I love them both and enjoy them.
Take up eating chocolate. I'm not going to apologise for it but - I do not like chocolate. It does not like me if it's anything fancier than Cadbury. I don't like it or need it in my life.
Floss more often. I find it a really horrible feeling and it is disgusting to do and I've never had a prolem with my teeth because of it so why bother? I hate going to the dentist as it is, without also adding the trauma of squeaking floss every day.
Do some extreme sport! No bungy jumping, skiing, skydiving for me.
Eat coriander. I detest the stuff and refuse to eat it.
Get into vampire stories more. Yawn.
Commit to losing weight - I refuse to play that game with myself or society. If my thighs offend, avert your eyes.
Call people more often. I hate speaking on the phone and hope people don't mind email, FB, text, smoke signals etc.
Assume that I can do more, financially, physically and mentally, then survive this year. It is going to be a FULLON one and I'll need my A-game just to get through it so nothing extra - no budgeting to achieve dizzy financial heights of success, no grand plans to expunge the clutter from my life, no writing novels or giving speeches either.
Get divorced, move house or have another baby.

10 things I might do, especially if asked though:

Pose for my photographic friend Billie - you can see her amazing photos on her new website and there are a few of me too! Because being behind the lens most often, means that there are few photos of me!
Read a book that doesn't have to do with midwifery, parenting or babies.
Go for a swim in the freezing cold, just off the iceberg from Antarctica water that inhabits the coast near Adelaide. It is COLD and I don't like it.
See any friend that asks me - tea, opshopping and so forth is fun and I want to hold my spare time close!
Write to people more often.
Take a photo a day. I may only publish once a week though.
Get a good night's sleep.
Order lamb from Wychwood, and maintain our subscription to Food Connect.
Have an anticonsumerist year - undies, presents, food and fuel are fine, but continuing with 2010 where minimal stuff was bought in the shops.
Go to the zoo.

Ze year in review

2010-12-25T12:44:00.000+10:30

It did not suck.
Unlike 2008 to be honest.
2009 was pretty good. 2010 was pretty good too.

Bring on 2011 though.

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
Gave birth.
Breastfed.
Babywore.
Celebrated my first anniversary.
Turned 30.
Bought a Pulsar.
Signed a new lease to stay here for a 2nd year.
Grew a garden successfully.
Took time off work and study and just *was*.
Learnt lots about parks, toys, plastic, clothes and lots of other things.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
This means I'd have to go find my resolutions. I had to dig around to find them too! They were:

- Give birth in my home
- Reach out to people and find some more irl friends
- Put my personal happiness and that of my family, above other things
- Spend less time on the internet
- Take a photo a day

I did pretty well as I achieved #1-#4. I completely forgot about #5 though so maybe this year? Now that I have an amazing camera and Lightroom.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Oh wow did they ever! I think there were a dozen new childerbeasts around me. I gave birth so that's pretty close as well.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. No one close to me has died recently to be honest.

5. What countries did you visit?
None. Sad that but I was busy ;).

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
Resolution for my injury case, better fitness and toned calves, less debt, a finished degree, less clutter (that's an oximoron I think? because that's less of something that's asking about what more that I want).

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
12th of March - the day I became a mama.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Homebirthing my babe, without drugs and without help beyond great midwifery care. Breastfeeding her for 9 and a half months so far. Going back to work with a small child.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Still having a LOT of clutter. Not having my fitness back.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No I've enjoyed rather rude health this year. Recovering from birth was harder than I thought, and I've had niggling hangovers from my injury but apart from that (oh and a broken toe) I've been healthy.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Thelma the Thermomix.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Julie Gillard - the first female elected prime minister of this fair country. My TheHusband who has weathered hormones, broken sleep and still loves me for who I am, failings and frayed bits and all.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Bronwyn, the mother who just isn't to me. It's her loss in the end but I doubt she realises just how much her appalling behaviour is distressing to so many people. The court system in South Australia which is pursuing a witch hunt of homebirth and may see us leave the country because of it.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Thelma, a new car, debt because my injury means that it's still going to take me 5 years to finish my degree and start earning $$. Food of the Good Sort.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Having a baby! A new diary. Thelma.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Isn't she lovely? by Idea of North as that was what I listened to in the shower after giving birth. Forevermore by Katie Hertzig as I have used it for montages and other things that remind me of the people who are in my life forevermore.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier.
ii. thinner or fatter? Substantially less fat but that's baby weight rather than any value judgement.
iii. richer or poorer? Richer I think. Not only in the eosoterical measure of richness but also some savings, more shares and less debt kind of way.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Drunk tea. Eaten Vietnamese food. Listened to music. Sung.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worried about being a mama.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
We sang carols at the Adelaide Rowing Club this morning and I'm about to put the turkey rolls and veges in the oven to have for dinner.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
With my baby, yes! With myself too. And TheHusband - he is an awesome husband and papa.

22. How many one-night stands?
None this year to report - I'd rather sleep than have sex at the moment. Ask me next year ;).

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Dr Who. Can't WAIT for the Boxing Day special either!!!!!!

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Yep and I'm adult enough to admit that.

25. What was the best book you read?
Raising your spirited child - doesn't really apply to my babe but it is a great parenting book.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Katie Hertzig.

27. What did you want and get?
To feel like I have a clue about parenting.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Can't say I watched many sadly.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 30 and had a pre-birthday birthday in February. I had dinner with friends and got a SURPRISE combined gift from Kate of a KitchenAid.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Having my lawyer involvement finished. It's not even the money that that'd be nice, just conclusion to the damn thing.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Comfort, pants for bending, tops for feeding, dark colours or patterns so I can hide spills, and easy clean. Also good for wearing a wrap over.

32. What kept you sane?
Friends like Lori, Kelly, Kaz, Bec and Nic. Wine. Joyous Birth. Wine.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Colin Firth. I plan on spending the afternoon with him today too. It's Tradition!

34. Who did you miss?
So many people. Interstaters, too busy'ers, overseas'ers.

35. Who was the best new person you met?
Lori!

Famous last words

2010-12-14T17:12:00.000+10:30

Sigh. One of these days I will just know that when I'm passionate about something - a package is late in the mail, I've not heard back from x about y, something or other hasn't happened - that I'm just a day early! Because the day after my last post I got a call saying that Sally could get in for 2 days a week in the new year. So that's 2 days of it sorted. I could have panicked and said no, I need all days! but I feel the universe saying take this, it's all I could sort out at short notice, can that tide you over til I fill in the gaps? And so I am.

I went down yesterday to fill in the paperwork and today she had a trial in the morning of an hour. Or should I say that I had a trial because really, she thinks it's awesome and a lot of fun. I dropped her off, filled in more forms (about her routine, which made me twitch cause it's all very soft an flexible and not set times, and also about her food - breastfed baby so no milk, water is ok, doesn't like banana, drinks out of a cup but not a bottle), went to visit a dear friend, then went back and collected her and we went home.

Cue the whole "Ugh am I doing the right thing? Should she still be mostly-breastfed at this age? Can they cope with that? How is she going to go to sleep when she's not breastfed to sleep by me, or in a sling with TheHusband or Alice? Will she eat lots there? And affect our breastfeeding relationship? Or eat nothing? Can we afford this? We can't afford for me not to finish school but at what price to Sally? Will it be a good thing? I think it will be but is that my needing it to be ok rather than it actually being ok." And also all the feeling judged (not in a bad way but in a normal human way) by her, her outfit, her routine and development, her habits and peculiarities.

On the upside, the carers seemed really open to hearing everything I had to say about Sally and her eating and routine. They are also happy to do cloth nappies, which thrills my little heart.

Big changes afoot

2010-12-11T14:34:00.013+10:30

This is a complicated post. Maybe grab tea before trying to read?

I have been on the hunt for childcare for Sally. Ugh. How do you choose? I asked some local friends for their recommendations and had a few names to try. The advice I got was to turn up unannounced and explain that you wanted to have a look. So I did that. And to go with my gut.

Well I did that. The first one I went to - well, let's just say that I wanted to go there myself. They have dirt. And gardens. And chickens and bunnies. And attachment theories. And lots of play equipment. Healthy food. Carers holding babes as they slept because they felt safer there. Patience.

And a 6-12 month waiting list. Sigh.

The next one I went to, was different. No natural light. No grass - just fake grass. No sky either. Just big sunshades. And the redeeming feature offered to me by the office manager was that they were recently enrolled in a new formula trial.

But I could get in immediately.

Sigh. Ugh. Fuck. SUCH hard things to find someone to do some of the raising of my child. Because that's what I think childcare is.

So I had to look very closely at why I need childcare. I have to renew my first aid certificate which will take a day. I am blessed to have friends who would help me out with that. But I also have to do a metric fuckload of placement next year to finish the groundhog day / never ending story / degree that never ends. Yup I'm enrolled to go back to school next year to finish two subjects to finish it. They are two 1/2 semester subjects though, so lots of work, and LOTS of placement. And TheHusband can't take enough leave to cover all of it. And I have to finish this damn degree next year.

The other thing is that Sally LOVES to be around other children. Especially childerbeasts of her own age. Loves it. And it'll be fabulous for her to have a carer beyond me and TheHusband. And stimulation and so forth. Plus having 2 days to do stuff is going to be interesting. I don't know what I'll do with myself but I'll tell you about it.

Anyway, the complicated part of this is that I feel, ever so urgently, the need to push on and finish this degree so I can move on into the industry. Or not. I have that small dream as well - to do my breastfeeding counsellor and community educator training with the Australian Breastfeeding Association, do a doula course and some childbirth education work, do more photography, and then go and do everything except register but do some work still with women and birthing.

You see, homebirth is under attack in another forum with the decision yesterday of the Supreme Court that the assistant coroner can investigate a stillbirth because there were signs of life. I can't imagine how traumatic those words would be for a mother to hear that her child had signs of life, when she has made some kind of peace perhaps with the past and that her midwife did all she could to help her birth the baby alive. But from a midwifery point of view, this is world-changing. When someone is mentioned in the same decision as manslaughter because they attended a birth that ended badly, it makes me stop and think about whether this is a situation that I want in on as an independant midwife.

I got into this when I didn't have a plan B (hell I didn't even have a plan A!) and now it looks that I might need another plan.

What the duece!?

2010-12-10T20:52:00.000+10:30

Is anyone else having a crazy time at the moment?

A forum I'm on has had somewhat trying times at the moment. Yes, a forum. So no, not the real world. Except it is part of the real world for me as I made the transition to being friends with my local members while I was pregnant and newly mama'd. A change was made recently that has completely upended the way things were and perhaps not in a bad way, as change is often a good thing, but it's been done inelegantly and brusqely and has upset quite a few people.
Work is going through a huge period of transition with a new management team and lots of changes to the team. Which is fine as I embrace change and would rather not waste energy against changes but rather adapt to them as they come. I am also there 12 hours a week out of 90-odd that the business trades, so it's easy for me not to be involved.
A Supreme Court case here in South Australia was decided that will upend the definitions of life and death as we know it, and will change midwifery. This is tied with changes to registration and qualification of midwives in this country as well. HUGE changes but well-blogged about elsewhere.

It's almost like the universe has plucked people out of situations where there is a tension in the system, but the players in said system are not willing or able to back down from their position and so the systems have stagnated. The universe has then replaced those players with people who are going to do something completely different. So a manager making big decisions and not going along with the way things used to be, a moderator making changes to how things were running completely out of left field, a court making a right-wing decision about something that has huge implications for so many things.

My bet is that it has something to do with the pending lunar eclipse and solstice together on the 21st. Between then and the fairy moon in July 2011 though, I'd hold onto my floatie and try to stay afloat on the surging storm that will boil away underneath you. If you're caught up in it, take a deep breath and swim with the current, like in a rip, until you get to calmer water.

On the other hand, I felt my life click and settle onto me bone-deep yesterday. It's a life I like, as mama and wife and employee and student and feng shui learner and life coach to my friends and interior decorator and painter and so on. So much so that I finally, some 18 months after doing so legally, changed my voicemail greeting today to change my name to my married one.

What kind of parent am I?

2010-12-03T18:16:00.000+10:30

We are what is called "natural parents" which is kind of crazy cause it's, ah, natural for anyone to be a parent right? It's because we practice "natural parenting" - the crazy idea that our child is, from birth, human. We parent in response to our child and consciously. I try to stop and think "What am I thinking", even to the point of saying it out loud when I need a moment to think about how I'm going to react to something that is presented to me.

From the Natural Parent Network, there are a few goals that sum up what we're on about. We prepared for our pregnancy and birth consciously. That meant actually talking (a lot) about having a child and consciously deciding to conceive. This didn't mean that we timed it and planned it to the nth degree but we did decide to welcome a child at a given time and it was right for us. We maintained our relatively healthy and active lifestyle and were very educated about the best healthcare provider for us and the best birth and plans for feeding and having a newborn.

Exclusive breastfeeding here! After a whole lot of dramas in getting going, we have stuck it out and I plan to keep feeding until she wants to stop. If that's when she's 2, ok. If it's night feeds to sleep at 4, great. I am happy to follow her lead. Same with introducing normal food. We have followed her lead on that entirely. She gave us very clear signals about wanting to eat (open mouth, zombie noises, reaching for it) and has taken to a few things with gusto. We eat homemade mostly, organic some of the times and consciously most of the time - and this trend is increasing as we move towards more organics as well with summer approaching.

We have the "crazy" notion that our child is not trying to manipulate us but is trying to communicate. She rarely cries unless hurt. She sleeps with us because it's easier as well as safer and warmer. The need for physical contact is clear with her and she is cuddley and comforted by our presence. We try to watch our language and as parents we often talk about the parenting we see around us and how it fits with our philosophy. We discipline gently, baby wear as much as possible, demand feed, have something of a rhythm each day but nothing like a routine, are fairly laid back and try to spend much of our day enjoying life, not working or cleaning or studying.

We are trialling a calendar where everything goes on it. Work, play, commitments, gym, rent day, birthdays, pay day. Everything.

We have one car and try not to use it every day. We eat organic where we can, cook from scratch a lot, choose eco-friendly, cloth nappy, support local growers, are passioate about homebirth and avoiding plastic, practice holistic health care (minimal doctors, well researched choices about vaccination, good food and exercise, are getting more into herbs and essential oils, visit a chiropractor, get regular massages, gave birth naturally, are trying not to gender our child at this early age but give her clothes of all colours and toys of all kinds.

We both have good body images and don't smoke, drink in moderation, enjoy life and listen to music.
And this from the Natural Parent website:

Above all, natural parenting is making the choice to develop a deep bond with your children and family based on mutual respect. An attached child grows into a mature and interdependent individual who understands how to develop healthy, secure relationships with others.

And it comes to a screeching halt

2010-11-08T20:13:00.000+10:30

Left shoulder has flared up badly. Typing is hard and painful so a month of blogging aint gonna happen. I am seeing a new physio tomorrow so I hope to have some answers that aren't the fears that I have - that I am going to go back to the very dark place I was in 2 years ago with the pain and disability. There have been tears and upsets as it's impacting on looking after Sally and breastfeeding which is why I hate and rail so much at this.

Day 05 – Your definition of love

2010-11-05T17:18:00.000+10:30

Is holding me while I cry and telling me that you hear my tears.
The look on my babe's face when I come back to her.
How I feel about dumplings, about good white wine, and about food in general.
Is being accepted and welcomed for who I am and being looked up to for it, not in spite of it.
Always knowing that you're there to reach out to if I need you.
The warm completeness I have when I'm with friends and family.
Knowing that I have both, and am both.

Day 04 – Your music

2010-11-04T14:26:00.019+10:30

I love music! I need music for company during the day when I'm home alone, and love the digital TV's ABC Classic FM station. I like a mix of music though. Some of my favourites at the moment would be:

Elena Kats-Chernin, composer of Wild Swans and other pieces
Katie Herzig
Anything from the 1990s
Anything with a decent backbeat or bass line
Most of what I've sung of the choral variety
Dixie Chicks

Which is funny, as I don't like listening to choral music and especially detest organ music where there's a bit of organ, and a bit of choir, and a bit more organ.

I've been singing in AICSA choirs since 1997 on and off. I've sung in choirs in Canberra, Adelaide and Sydney as well as attending annual festivals of the choirs from around the whole country in Sydney, Canberra, Melbourne a couple of times, Adelaide and Hobart. I am a first soprano but also have sung alto a couple of times. I don't tend to sing solos or small groups due to some really traumatic experiences - I have a good ensemble voice.

It's that time of the year again...

2010-11-03T18:04:00.000+10:30

Now that Beltane is over, I can think about the end of the year. Solstice, Christmas, Giftmas, Hanukkah, Yule is on its way! So how will you celebrate this year? What do you celebrate? And how will you survive emotionally, financially, logistically and happily?

We don't celebrate Christmas per se. We will celebrate the Solstice on 21/12 (it's a partial lunar eclipse this year!!!!) with dinner and presents, and Christmas Day is whatever rolls. If DH's family organises something and invites us then joy, we'll go. But I refuse to (a) organise (b) host (c) poke people to get organised, seeing as we don't really "do" it, and if it's left too late we will just do our traditional slow-cooker turkey roll, roast veges or bbq'd, alcohol and a Colin Firth movie festival at home on the day. We have an open house at some stage as well for all orphans or escapees from the insanity that is/can be Christmas Day.

We are handmaking most of our gifts this year. Here is a great list of gifts to make for toddlers and babies. I have bought Sally some play silks and shhhhh I have already thought about what to get TheHusband and YAY for the exchange rate! cause it means I can get him what I want to. We sat down in October and put down 5 things we wanted each, in case we needed inspiration. And wrote a list for Sally of things we would be happy for her to get - wooden blocks, books, that kind of thing.

NaNoBloMo Day 02 - Your first love

2010-11-02T14:16:00.001+10:30

His name was Eward and he and his sister Jane were in my class. He smelled nice and was kind. He had lovely eyelashes and before I knew it we were trading our sandwiches - my plum jam for his strawberry.

We were 7 or 8? and I remember it being different to how I felt about my family or friends. I think there may have been kiss-chasey involved at some point too.

NaNoBloMo Day 01 - Introduce Myself

2010-11-01T08:06:00.000+10:30

Hi! My name is Emma and I am 30. I am a complex, complicated soul who has had several lives already, which when I tell you about something like my previous jobs you'll question whether I'm just 30 or a pathological liar.

I am one of 5 children. I am a wife, and mama to one beautiful baby girl. I am a hearth witch in development, an avid cook, the proud owner of my sanity and working on squishing my Inner Good Girl and being true to myself and authentic. That means that I'm working on not pleasing people but being true to myself.

I don't have a good imagination. If you've met me in person you'd probably doubt this as I'm a creative crafty type. I've previously cut all my hair off and dyed in pink and purple - I'm planning a few chunks of colour in the near future. I'm all kinds of strange but mostly my "strange" is because I don't comply with what you think I should.

I may or may not shave my legs. I'm kind of lacking in the hair growing arena - even after 6 months my leg hair is only 1cm ish long, which is kind of sad. I have dry skin post-pregnancy so shaved them so I could moisturise properly. But I'm slack about shaving them so the hair will grow as it wants.

My hair grows fast. I have more than my fair share of it. I don't suffer from hayfever, I birthed my babe at home, I don't have a sweet tooth and do not like chocolate. I am a hopeless romantic and struggle to reconcile my intense independence and feminist ways with accepting that I am the heart of my household and if I don't lead then it ain't going to happen.

I am sensitive and observant and intuitive. I have a level of prescience that fluctuates and annoys me mostly because I don't take it seriosuly and often only in hindsight am aware of what I knew. I am insanely smart and skipped a few years at school. I do not like flying insects. I love to sing, I can't read music very well despite 14 years of singing in choirs and more than that prior to learn the flute. I have a crazy memory for things like the Prime Ministers of Australia (learned in year 7) and songs and music that I've not seen for years.

I have a very womanly body, even more so after carrying and feeding a child. I have wide feet and strangely crumpled little toes. I have chronic injuries from an accident 3 and a bit years ago, but have decided that enough is enough and I need to move on from that. I am sensitive to my hormones so pregnancy, postpartum, breastfeeding and so on has been a drag. I'm 5'6" tall, not especially fit but have a penchant for skirts and a preppy look. I hate jeans shopping with a passion, buy shoes occassionally and am not very hard on my possessions so still have awesome shoes that are 5-6 years old.

I left home at 16, have lived in a lot of cities, hail from Sydney but now live in Adelaide, and my favourite season in Autumn.

If I had to sum myself up right now, I'd say I'm a mama who practices gentle/attachment parenting, cloth nappying, breastfeeding, co-sleeping and loving her babe to piece, a student midwife, an aspirational herbal/aromatherapy healer, a budding photographer, a lover of tea, a great cook, avid writer and sometimes knitter. Pleased to meet you!

Thirty days has September, April, June and November

2010-10-31T08:04:00.004+10:30

So I'm doing NaNoBloMo again this year. For 30 days I'll blog every day. Just as a prewarning, here's what I'll talk about. Yeah I have a plan, stolen from someone else so I guess that makes it a meme. Sue me.

Day 01 - Introduce yourself
Day 02 – Your first love
Day 03 – Your parents
Day 04 – Your music
Day 05 – Your definition of love
Day 06 – Your hobbies
Day 07 – Your best friend
Day 08 – A precious item
Day 09 – Your beliefs
Day 10 – An inspiration
Day 11 – Your siblings
Day 12 – What’s in your bag
Day 13 – Your mode of transportation
Day 14 – Where you live
Day 15 – Something you love about yourself
Day 16 – Your first kiss
Day 17 – Your favourite memory
Day 18 – Your favourite birthday
Day 19 – Something you regret
Day 20 – Your morning routine
Day 21 – Your job and/or schooling
Day 22 – Something that upsets you
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry
Day 25 – Your sleeping habits
Day 26 – Your fears
Day 27 – Your favourite place
Day 28 – Something that you miss
Day 29 – Your favourite foods/drinks
Day 30 – Your aspirations

Off I go!

Nine meals away from anarchy

2010-10-28T09:10:00.000+10:30

Work with me here - this is a bit of a rambling path of a post.

I recently heard a radio interview with someone from CHOICE magazine about their Shonky awards and the main part that I heard was their critique of Coles' Feed a Family of 4 for under $10 promotion. CHOICE said:

Shonky for ten-buck blow-out goes to... Coles
When we were culling our list of nominees down to a manageable eight, the clouds of conundrum hovered over Coles: so many potential Shonky awards, but which one to give?(snip) However, we decided to give the Shonky for its loaves-and-fishes $10 meals, where you can supposedly make some Curtis Stone MasterCreation to feed four people for less than $10 – provided, it turns out, if you happen to have some of the stuff in your pantry already and you manage to convince Coles to let you buy two cloves of garlic or one bay leaf. We calculated Curtis’ $7.76 Coq au vin would cost $37.74 if you bought all the necessary ingredients – including the integral half-litre of vin, which somehow wasn’t included in the $7.76 (though you’d perhaps hope not for that price). And it wasn't just that recipe - the $9.99 Chicken Tikka Masala set us back $39.74.

And the person from CHOICE being interviewed snickered and chortled about "who has that well-stocked a pantry" and "why would you have half the ingredients in your pantry when a supermarket is just around the corner" and so on. The interviewer agreed with her, all the while agreeing that it was unreasonable to have things like wine, stock, herbs, spices, garlic and so forth on hand.

I take a lot of pride in our pantry. I should take a photo of it to put here but for now I can tell you that I could probably feed my family for about 3 weeks on what is in there, maybe more. I have flour, sugar, salt, yeast, milk, cream, pulses and lentils and beans, vegetables, pasta, rice, tinned tomatoes and a whole lot of other things that are stocked in there. If I had a larder I would be serious about stockpiling our food. We also have a chest freezer full of meat. With a Thermomix now, we don't need to have food precooked so much - just a few bits and pieces in the freezer for a true emergency or for someone else to feed us with, rather than heat-and-eat meals.

This is for two reasons. Firstly, our income can be a bit cyclical and when we've got more income, we can stock up on things and "save" that way.

Secondly, as peaktavists, we are sure that at some point soon we will have an energy crisis that will mean there will be a problem with food supply, even here in Adelaide in an established first world country. It happened in the UK just this year. And it will happen here in Australia sometime soon. Milk and bread will go first. Then fruit and vegetables. Then canned and frozen goods, toilet paper, first aid/pain relief and packaged items like pasta and chocolate.

I recently heard another discussion, on the ABC so I should be able to add it in later, about organic food and food security - which, like water security, will be buzz words of 2011 I think - and someone spoke about the situation where any country is only 9 meals away from anarchy. Some say it's only 4 meals though.

And so - we have a well-stocked pantry. I'm working on building it into a larder, with extra things like toilet paper and spices. We have a "zombie store" as well - extra long lasting foods, in tins, as well as water and toilet paper. For the impending zombia apocalypse. We have a garden that will hopefully produce more than just spinach soon. We have friends with eggs, and we have skills to trade.

And that is what is going to help us. I can bake, and I have a recipe book - or a dozen - because yes, I do use the internet for a lot of recipes but in the real world one day the internet might not be there. I can make soap, make a lotion, make a cream, make a balm. I have good aromatherapy knowledge and a stock of oils to use. I have books to refer to for first aid as well as the skills. I have a strong TheHusband who can do all kinds of mechanical and labouring type things. We try to be low maintenance in general with our health and wellbeing.

And so, I maintain a pantry. Just in case one day we can't access the superpantry, just-in-time, don't worry I'll just pop out and get some life that is being foisted on us. It's not paranoia, but a form of saving for a rainy day.

How to peel peas like a monkey

2010-10-14T14:27:00.000+10:30

The other day when I was shelling peas - oh have you seen them!

They are beautiful and the first blush of Spring on my palatte.

And then I mangled the end of one too many.

And I thought there has to be a better way. And of course, you may have seen the banana thing that's going around on YouTube.

And guess what?

It works really well. And you can open down one side and pull them out.

OR unzip so you have the on either side and it looks really cute.

Inside me is an organised person wanting out!

2010-10-10T20:51:00.000+10:30

A few weeks ago, I realised something. I'm not organised despite thinking that I am! I'm not neat, or tidy. I am clean, but not fastidious. My house is not a shrine to anything but was getting a hint of clutter. And why? Well being me, I did dig into the "why" of it and came up with... I'm a perfectionist. Can't clean the fridge because I won't be able to do it perfectly. Can't fold the washing or clean the bath because it won't be perfect.

Which is silly now that I write it out. But that's how I felt when I really dug into it. So I signed up for FlyLady. There, I said it. I signed up for a pep talk about how to shine my sink. Why did I do that, you ask? Well I had to admit to myself that what we were doing as a family wasn't really working. Expecting TheHusband to actually take charge and do stuff and ask me to do stuff and have Expectations about housework and food and bill paying and money and so on wasn't going to happen.

As an aside, I did dig into what I had this expectation that he would have Expectations of me. And it came down to cheese sandwiches. My mother as far as I can remember didn't make me lunch as a child. I had an (ingrained? socially developed? reasonable?) expectation that I would have my lunch made, or a cake made for the end of year picnic, or something like that, and if I think on it all I can remember is being disappointed by not having lunch, and not having a cake.

Maybe my dislike of sweets comes from there? Hmmmmmm... not everything is a Thing though. Back to what I was saying.

So I can remember going to school without lunch, and to dance classes on a Saturday and not having lunch. Of looking longingly at the children who were getting KFC for lunch and maybe being able to scrimp a chip from them. Of wishing I had money but never having it to have lunch like that. So I came to hate lunch and still struggle with it now. But I love sandwiches if they're freshly made and interesting and have always had a thing for cheese sandwiches.

So I had an expectation of something from my mother. And didn't get it. And so have always had a thing about what I think parents/husbands/partners should be and do and it was not met and I carried that disappointment into my marriage. But it wasn't working. The housework wasn't getting done because I was expecting TheHusband to ask me to do it and then I could get all het up about not doing it because it wasn't My Job to do it! It should be shared! Equally!!

But this is not the case in reality. I had to be ok with being in charge. I've struggled with being in charge in our family as my mother was nasty about being in charge of our family and it was her way or none. But I bit the bullet the other day and took! charge! We now have a rhythm to our week, a new budget, a cleaner house, the energy to do stuff and a Thermomix on the way.

Rhythm? WTF is that? Well, I refuse to say routine. But I was so caught up by my need to do something perfectly and totally that I couldn't start. But knowing on Monday that I clean the bathroom for 15 minutes and that's it, and on Thursday I do the food shopping and errands, and Tuesday the markets and cooking/baking, and Saturday is family day, and what vaguely we're having for dinner each night and suddenly instead of me feeling like the house is overwhelming me, it is cleaner and neater and easier to straighten up in 15 minute bouts. I now relish my days at home, enjoy having a clean kitchen to wake up to, know that our garage sale is coming and things will be cleared out of the garage then, have cleared out my closet and now have clothes to wear and can find them, and am generally happier.

I have also done things that I've been meaning to.
I bought an address book and have written people's addresses down.
I have written out the months of the year and whose birthdays are where, what things happen in what months (bike rides, festivals etc), and things to look forward to.
I have written all over our calendar and now need to think about one for 2011.
I've made notes about the whole family's sizes and preferences, listed 5 ideas for each of us for Giftmas should people ask, written out our gift list for said festival and planned my makings and buyings so that it won't be a huge drain on us.

I've also looked more into my spiritual side, how to celebrate things the way we want to, how to celebrate Sally's first Summer Solstice, tarot, herbs and healing and I even cast on a new project which is not useful or needed - a shawl no less!

Now to clear out my blog feed, purge my knitting UFOs, have a garage sale and enjoy living more in the day than previously.

I've started a few posts...

2010-10-09T20:53:00.000+10:30

But thought I'd actually post this time.

I feel weird atm. I've been trying to work out a balance of St Johns Wort, an anti-anxiety tea, bush flower essences, exercise, relaxation ad sleep. And I think I've found a sweet spot this week but have been struggling a bit with anxiety and the black dog sniffing around.
Sally is awesome. She has learnt how to click her tongue, is raising her arms when she wants up, requests a 7pm bedtime, has trialled a few solids and is a ham! most of the time. She's not crawling but can roll with determination and is doing an inchworm kind of thing. I'm planning on taking her to swimming lessons come summer too. She's nearly 7 months old!
I think I'll become a hearth witch when I grow up.
We tidied the garage today and are going to have a garage sale in early November. We have so much stuff to just get rid of and there's no point holding onto the clutter when it's sucking energy out of our lives. So the extra furniture, excess linen now that we've upsized our bed, extra clothes, couches, books and so on will go for cheap or to a good home.
TheHusband and I sat down today and wrote lists of our basic measurements for clothes, preferences for foods and drinks, and shoe sizes. Makes shopping a bit easier. Also wrote a list of things we would like for Giftmas. Given that we don't celebrate it and it's going to be "fun" to navigate it with a Childerbeast this year, I thought we'd get it early with some ideas for the inevitable questions.
We're going to get photos taken of us as a family and gift them to people. And for our close friends who won't care for that, I have evil plans afoot! involving food and buttons.

10 things I plan to do in the next little while

2010-09-11T21:06:00.000+09:30

Ooooooh a 3 year plan. Exciting, isn't it? Well, further to my 101 things to do in 1001 days, which I'm halfway through or thereabouts on the calendar but only 1/3rd of the way through!!, I'm feeling the need to revisit, reconsider and rewrite. Yes I will admit that there are things on that list that I don't want to do anymore (blue high heels? What was I thinking??), and things that I want to add and focus on. So I'll update my list, and am going to write another one eventually because that's #101 on my list.

But in the meantime, here are 10 other things I want to achieve before the end of 2012.

Complete my Bachelor of Midwifery
Study to be a breastfeeding counsellor with the Australian Breastfeeding Association
Become an accredited child birth educator
And maybe do a breastfeeding course too
Learn how to use my Nikon D40
Learn how to edit my photos
Run a course in babywearing (that's something percolating at the moment)
Master my breadmachine
Work out Who Am I
Enjoy Summer :)

Branching out into a new form of expression

2010-09-03T18:19:00.000+09:30

Yesterday I dropped the car off at the mechanic and walked home with Sally on my back. I had packed my camera into my bag as I left the house - it was a minimal bag with no baby stuff, my keys/wallet/mobile triad, water, sunglasses. camera.

I took my time and wended my way through the suburbs back to my house. It was a short walk (3-4km perhaps?) and lovely mild Spring weather.

Sally went to sleep on my back pretty quickly and so I was even less inclined to hurry home. We'd had a pretty ordinary night as she's cutting another tooth and going through a brain growth phase. At just less than 6 months she is now adept at rolling over back-->front and is mobile. Not crawling or creeping but enough so she can move and throw up on my boot this afternoon though.

I took the opportunity to use my camera (which is just a point and shoot Sony DSC-W180) and test out its marco function.

I love taking photos and this week I bought a "new" camera which has upgraded me from "I take photos" to "maybe I'm a photographer". I bought a second hand Nikon D40 from a professional photographer with an extra two batteries, 18-55 Nikkor lens, charger, strap and a UV filter.

I want to be knowledgeable about photography and cameras and so forth but I also want to just explore an artform. I'm not artistic at all. I'm crafty and creative but art, not so much. Is photography an artform? Not prepared to open that can o' worms right here but is this the artform that I've been looking for?

Oh yeah, back to the photographs. This one above is awesome - I loved the dew and didn't realise it had a bug in it as well but I will get into Lightroom and see how much I can blow it up.

So for giftmas this year, expect photographs from me :). And yes please for photography tips, or suggestions of equipment or things to photograph. I like little things, and flowers because of their colours. And rainbows. I'm not brave enough to get into photographing people yet but I want to!

10 things I planned to do today... and the things that I did do

2010-09-01T16:52:00.000+09:30

Funny how a day at home with plans to clean and neaten and Do Things goes to pot, hey. Here's my delusional list and my actual:

Clean the kitchen benches
Make the bed
Tidy the bedroom - clean the bedhead off, dust, sweep
Do a load of nappies
Fold Sally's clothes
And the nappies
And the basket of adult clothes
Clean up the freezer and see what's in there
Bake a cake
Tidy up the loungeroom

It's a delusional list. I have a 5 month old babe. It's not like I was going to get all of these things done! Even on a good day. Do I have overblown ideas about my productivity, or am I slack? Cause what I have done is:

Load of nappies
Load of adult clothes
Showered and bathed us both
Run the dishwasher
Spent 2+ hours boobing on the couch
Twice
Bought a "new" camera and learned lots about it
Didn't go crazy in the grey cold weather that replaced the hint of Spring we had a few days ago
Played on the floor
Cleaned off the bedhead, tidied the bedroom floor and played with Sally

I know, it doesn't matter. The house is fine and lived in. Sally is happy, fed, carried, loved and safe (and asleep atm). I am dressed and even have shoes on!

I watched Oprah today and the segment was about OCD. One woman had a lot of issues with cleanliness and shared that she spent 5 hours a day cleaning the house. Her house was spotless and unlivedin and I thought huh I'm not doing too badly to have a house that is a work in progress and I don't spend any where near that amount a day and if that's what it takes then I'm not doing that.

I did start a post yonks ago about why we have clean houses. It's no longer to avoid disease or keep vermin down (past a point, of course). Beyond hygiene, is there any need to obsess about a clean house? And is having a bathroom with hair on the floor, a bit of dust on the ducks, a smidge of scale on the glass - which is still cleaned each week or so - a sign of a bad housekeeper? A bad person? A bad parent? Is disorder and clutter a bad thing as well? Is it disorder and clutter or just how I live my life? Yes I can find things that I don't use very often if they're in the right place but things I use all the time just live close to where I use them.

Hmmmm.

A new blog to love on

2010-08-30T16:59:00.000+09:30

I love me a wee little blog.

Source: Wee Folk Art

Wee Folk Art is the most amazing and engrossing blog. They have inspired me to do the Friday photo as well. But in the meantime, go look over their threads about homeschooling, the seasons, craft, homecraft etc.

By the time I've bought mostly organic, near-whole, Australian grown/made/produced, fish safe, whale safe, chemical free and ethically produced - I'm exhausted!

2010-08-25T19:05:00.000+09:30

Or also known as "whole foods don't have nutrition panels" - why we try to buy products that have no nutritional information on them.

It's exhausting. What do you fight for? Australian grown, made and produced? Imported but certified organic? Locally but conventionally produced? It's so hard to make these judgements but it helps to have a heirachy.

My personal bent is that it is locally produced. I won't buy produce from other countries - it is just wrong to eat things that are flown in from across the world. I preferentially buy locally made organic produce, but that's not always available.

How about that election...

2010-08-22T12:28:00.000+09:30

No it's not a post about the election. It's been written about so much better in so many other places. But what it does mean is that we are seriously thinking about emigrating somewhere else. Not just because The Mad Monk may get into power - that won't be known for a while yet. And not just because the whole country has gone crazy and can't decide whether it's Arthur or Martha. But also there is so much crap going around in midwifery and women's health and primary vs tertiary health and control of midwifery and women's choices and SO MANY OTHER THINGS that we are considering seriously moving to New Zealand.

And before Cluttercut smothers me with excited yays, it's still a plan. I might get a graduate position with the Women's and Children's Hospital, or work at the local private hospital instead. I need to provide for my family and independant midwifery is just so up in the air and conflicted at the moment that I can't see a way forward with it right now, just a whole lot more confusion and paperwork and nastiness. Practicing as an indy could be exposed and dangerous and at some point, the past 4 years (going to be 5 by the time I finish) of being supported by TheHusband means that I have to also think about giving something back to my family.

So a rough plan is to make plans for the next year and a half, finish my degree and qualify, then move.

Hahahahaha *wipes tears away* yes I make it sounds easy.

I would get a job over there and perhaps TheHusband would be a SAHP (stay at home papa) or else Sally could be cared for (hmmmm nanny perhaps?) and he could work at Bunnings over there. Or do something with the PhD of Doom that should be finished by the end of the month (bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha I'll be over here rolling on the floor laughing about that one).

So many things to think about. How to pay for it? Can I take my kitty, who's gone everywhere around the country but is 11 years old and I'm not sure if she will be ok with moving countries but how can I leave her behind?

Do we sell our worldly possessions and start again over there? Do we ship stuff over? What's important enough to warrant doing that with (books and clothes only?) and what can stay behind (furniture obviously)?

Are we going permanently? Stepping away from our family and community here and into an unknown? How do we work out where to move to?

Advice? Don't do it? Do it do it do it? Watch this tag for more development.

Ever feel like you're stalking someone?

2010-08-04T19:46:00.002+09:30

I bought a baby hat pattern book for knitting a while ago:

Source: Amanda Keys
Go to Amazon.com (and to buy it!)

And now I've stalked her blog and entered a competition to win an Itti Bitti prize pack:

Source: Amanda Keys Photography

Which feels like a joining of several paths - I've met Amanda through knitting in Sydney many moons ago, and I love that book, and I adore those nappies.

So either that's weird, or I need to get out more :).

10 things I have to do this week

2010-07-18T21:32:00.000+09:30

Ugh - I'm feeling a tad anxious as I have a HUGE list of things to do this week. So writing them down will help me sleep better.

1. Pay for and pick up our new car!!!!

It's new to us - 2002 Nissan Pulsar. Which means Saffy is for sale:

2. Get Saffy detailed, serviced and that little scratch buffed out.
3. Deposit cheques (ugh I hate having to do that!).
4. Call my psychologist and get an appointment.
5. Call my massage therapist and do the same.
6. Restart my gym membership and go back to classes and aqua and swimming.
7. Post a lot of packages - yarn, Calorimetry, pattern books, purple shoes, letters, duck charms,
8. Wait for our tax returns!!!!
9. Wait for lots of packages and letters to arrive - damn AustPost is sucking the proverbial atm.
10. Prep for our Christmas in July celebration for next weekend:
* Menu thoughts? Turkey roll I reckon, and lots of vegetables, and mulled apple juice for drinks.

Reflections on my birth - and reasons why I would always birth at home

2010-07-08T16:26:00.004+09:30

I was the first to touch her.
I was the first to hold her and smell her.
No one made her cry or worry and the look on her face when she was born was just priceless and serene and so calm.
She opened those big blue eyes and connected with me so solidly.
I couldn't believe that I'd climbed my Everest and roared a baby earthside.

Interestingly as well, my blessingway tie ended up very felted and tights around my left wrist by the end of this process (in and out of the shower, and then in the hot pool). It was a relief to cut it off today, on day 2, as it was tight and had done its job. It was gorgeous and amazing while I had it though. It is in Sally's box file now.

In reflection, my training only kicked in once I'd birthed and was worrying about the blood loss and placenta - before that I was just a woman doing what a woman does. Julie wasn't keen on doing anything about my placenta but I was done, and sore, and tired and just wanted the process complete. I have since printed my placenta, and cut up the smaller lobe for a placenta remedy (frozen in pieces to take every day) and the larger bit frozen for Sally to have planted in a wine barrel. We will find a tree that is fruiting around her birthday and plant it over the placenta once rotted down. That way we can always take it with us when we move.

I never had any strict plans for this birth beyond “at home” and “no drugs” and “it's probably all normal and I have a care provider to keep watch”. I was happy to take it as it came and in the end, that's what I did. Perhaps I took it too easy and didn't realise that things were taking a long time relative to the timeline of rushed births I've experienced in hospitals.

I wouldn't say that I enjoyed the process but it was such a huge experience that it's taken me months to write this story. Julie ended up doing way more than I thought she would, and I think she went beyond what she normally does in a birth as well. There were several examinations, and the water injection, and the intervention to get Sally to tip her head down, and to protect my perinium etc, and the surprisingly managed third stage. But for me, the alternative of transferring wasn't even considered. And these were things that I welcomed as I couldn't work around them, or through them, and when a solution was offered I considered it and either chose it or rejected it and was never pressured to do anything.

Julie wasn't there to save me. She walked the journey beside me in a way I never really understood before. She was attentive without being invasive or dictatorial, and I love that of her. She helped my support people be there for me – I wouldn't trade that for the world – and encouraged TheHusband to be there with me rather than hanging back, but in the end just let me get on with it.

In the cold light of day and in debriefing, I am pretty sure of a few things. If I'd been in hospital, I would have (a) begged for pain relief (b) been offered pain relief instead of support (c) had a c-section (d) had a different outcome if my membranes had been ruptured artificially (due to the succenturiate placenta) and (e) been a mess at the end of it. Instead I can stand tall and say:

I GAVE BIRTH

Labour started: 2am 11/03/2010
Established slowly but hard work from: 4pm 11/03/2010
Pushing: 3am ish 12/03/2010
Birth: 6:43am 12/03/2010

Do you have a uniform?

2010-07-06T11:07:00.023+09:30

In the past year, I've gone from uni student to being a little pregnant, heavily pregnant, newly a mama and now basically back to where I was beforehand. Well that's not entirely true - I am now a size up from where I was before but given it's my beautiful childbearing hips that have changed shape, and my lovely baby-feeding breasts that have also gotten in on the party, I'm not complaining!

So on the weekend I went to a clothes swap, where a lot of my size 10 tops and dresses went to a good home and my size 7.5 shoes to the same home, while I picked up a couple of tops, two dresses, some light pants, a singlet or two and some flat shoes. I got rid of two pairs of court shoes for a few other things, and a scarf or two I think. I feel that I got as good as I gave, which is important as it's all in my head - there's no measuring or transacting going on with this, just people contributing then taking.

Anyway, what I did notice in the clothes that I chose, is that I have a uniform. Something like, during Winter:

jeans and a fitted top and a vest
jeans and a dress
skirt, knee high socks, Mary Jane shoes and a top, with or without a vest
pants and v-neck sweater
skivvy and vest and long swishy skirt

Very preppy I guess, if I had to describe it. It makes shopping easy as I found the other day - I bought a vest to replace my outgrew from ones, and suddenly I had an entirely NEW wardrobe for winter. If I need a new pair of shoes, it's a pair of Mary Janes or sneakers. A new top - of a few colours (bright jewel colours), perhaps black or white at a pinch. It makes me life easy and I think I look good.

So what's your uniform?

More about yesterday's post - that AJOG article

2010-07-05T20:05:00.000+09:30

Which can be read here.Just a short point while I eat dinner. The exclusions for this study:

To identify a low obstetrical risk population, we excluded multiple gestations, preterm deliveries <37 weeks, smokers, women with pregestational or gestational diabetes, chronic hypertension, hypertensive disorders of pregnancy, or prior cesarean. Demographics included maternal age, race, education, and timeliness of registering for prenatal care. Maternal morbidity measures in this low-risk population included chorioamnionitis (clinical diagnosis of chorioamnionitis during labor made by delivery attendant, usually includes 1 of the following: fever, uterine tenderness and/or irritability, leukocytosis, fetal tachycardia, any maternal temperature 38°C [100.4°F]), fetal intolerance of labor (in utero resuscitative measures, eg, any of the following: maternal position change, oxygen administration to the mother, intravenous ﬂuids administered to the mother, amnioinfusion, support of maternal blood pressure, and administration of uterine relaxing agents; further fetal assessment includes any of the following: scalp pH, scalp stimulation, acoustic stimulation; operative delivery is operative intervention to shorten time to delivery of the fetus, eg, forceps, vacuum, or cesarean delivery), prolonged labor (labor that progresses slowly and lasts for >20 hours), precipitous labor (labor that progresses rapidly and lasts for <3 hours), and meconium staining (staining of the amniotic fluid caused by passage of fetal bowel contents during labor and/or at delivery that is more than enough to cause a greenish color change of an otherwise clear fluid). Newborn morbidity included assisted ventilation (infant given manual breaths for any duration with bag and mask or bag and endotracheal tube within the first several minutes from birth, excludes oxygen only and laryngoscopy for aspiration of meconium), assisted ventilation >6 hours (infant given mechanical ventilation [breathing assistance] by any method for <6 hours, includes conventional, high-frequency, and/or continuous positive pressure), birth injury (defined as present immediately following delivery or manifesting soon after delivery, includes any bony fracture or weakness or loss of sensation but excludes fractured clavicles and transient facial nerve palsy; soft tissue hemorrhage requiring evaluation and/or treatment, includes subgaleal [progressive extravasation within the scalp] hemorrhage, giant cephalohematoma, extensive truncal, facial, and/or extremity ecchymosis accompanied by evidence of anemia and/or hypovolemia and/or hypotension; solid organ hemorrhage, includes subcapsular hematoma of the liver, fractures of the spleen, or adrenal hematoma), neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) admission (admission into a facility or unit staffed and equipped to provide continuous mechanical ventilatory support for a newborn), seizures (seizure is any involuntary repetitive, convulsive movement or behavior; serious neurologic dysfunction is severe alteration of alertness, such as obtundation, stupor, or coma, ie, hypoxic-ischemic encephalopathy, excludes lethargy or hypotonia in the absence of other neurologic findings, excludes symptoms associated with central nervous system congenital anomalies), 5-minute Apgar
score <7, and birthweight <2500 g.

Way to go for reinforcing lots of "risk factors" not supported by research. And why exclude fractured clavicles and transient facial palsy?

Shame on you, Auntie

2010-07-04T15:30:00.000+09:30

On Stateline last week, there was a snippet about calls to change laws over stillbirth investigations (link is to video with sound). In a shocking example of "jouranlism", the story went from a woman who wanted her interuterine fetal death at 28 weeks (I'm guessing there - she said "7 months") investigated for some kind of explaination, to a beat up about homebirth. The woman's horrible experience had NOTHING to do with homebirth - she was under the care of a hospital and birthed there.

The tenuous bow that seems to have been drawn between these two stories was that one woman had her baby die in her pregnancy, and another had her baby die during birth, and that latter woman was birthing at home. The case of the latter woman has now rocked the entire concept of "life" because the assistant coroner seems to have an axe to grind about homebirth.

The findings of the case make for interesting reading (go on, read it - it's only 14 neatly formatted and well spaced pages). The assistant coroner seems to have ignored eminent experts in the area of cardio-thoracic medicine and has decided that something akin to the heat left in a boiled kettle, now constitutes life. Instead of leaving the Spencer-Kock family to grieve and live their lives, the decision has been made that their baby was in fact alive at some point and therefore is a "person" under the law and so the coroner has jurisdiction to investigate the death and make recommendations under other laws, like criminal law, against people involved.

This is a scary, scary path to go down. Life has to begin somewhere, just as it has to end somewhere. Funnily enough, the definition of life and the definition of death aren't the same thing - one can be dead but a teeny bit alive as is the case of organ donors. But the line in the sand has always been that "signs of life" be seen in a baby - heartbeat, breath, movement, crying, reaction to stimulus. If these are absent, and the baby is stillborn (oh how my heart aches to write that), then no investigation can be held, no charges laid, no blame attributed. This is a two-edged sword, no doubt - but it also means that until that baby is apart from its mother and is alive, it is not a person. Augh it's confusing and I'm sure someone has been offended by the way I've put it.

Anyway Lavender, as the president of the AMA in SA, then claimed in the Stateline article (yes I was getting back to my point) that homebirth is 7 times more likely to result in a baby's death, which is (a) not true, (b) not supported by any research the whole freaking world over, and (c) not what the recent Flinders University research said. The "data point" that Lavender is referring to ERRONOUSLY is the one I've previously blogged about and kind of indicates that not only is he an idiot, but he also didn't bother reading the study and only read the press release.

Add to that recent beat ups about homebirth being more dangerous with triple the neonatal (first month - hardly a lot to do with homebirth) death rate, which is hard to comment on as the actual study doesn't come out until September, and there is a lot of attack on the process from many sides. Add to that changes here in Australia to registration and insurance for midwives and you have a very muddy water from which to sup. I'm sure there's a line there about babies and bathwater but meh, I can't be bothered.

What I can be bothered with though is to say to the ABC - shame on you for such appalling and upsetting and shallow "journalism". You didn't check the facts, you didn't bother getting any other side of the story, you didn't stop to question what agendas might be being wheeled through your "story" and you certainly didn't bother to notice that a story about stillbirth suddenly turned into a witchhunt for homebirth.

And you didn't stop to think about what this means. Let's say that all stillbirths from 28 weeks onwards get investigated. That is a lot of deaths, firstly, because not all pregnancies end in a live baby. So the coroner is now overwhelmed with them. And what if the parents do not want an investigation? What if the answer is that someone is to blame, that something could have been done, that something could have changed the course of events? How would that help the family? Instead of supporting them, financially and socially, they'll be dragged through the courts. The coroner could then autopsy babies, which means that parts of their bodies can be kept for analysis.

And the funny thing is that hospitals, where 98% of births occur, will suddenly have to be party to many more inquests. And for what?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From Medscape Medical News

Less Medical Intervention for Home Birth Linked to Increased Neonatal Mortality Rate

Laurie Barclay, MD

July 2, 2010 — Less medical intervention during planned home birth is associated with a tripling of the neonatal mortality rate vs planned hospital birth, according to the results of a systematic review and meta-analysis reported online first July 1 and will appear in the September 10 print issue of the American Journal of Obstetrics & Gynecology.

"The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists does not support home birth, citing safety concerns and lack of rigorous scientific study," write Joseph R. Wax, MD, from Maine Medical Center in Portland, and colleagues. "We sought to systematically review the medical literature on the maternal and newborn safety of planned home vs planned hospital birth."

Selection criteria for the meta-analysis were English-language peer-reviewed publications from developed Western nations, in which maternal and newborn outcomes were reported by planned delivery location. The investigators calculated summary odds ratios with 95% confidence intervals for these outcomes.

Compared with planned hospital births, fewer maternal interventions were associated with planned home births, including epidural analgesia, electronic fetal heart rate monitoring, episiotomy, and operative delivery. Women who delivered at home had lower rates of lacerations, hemorrhage, and infections, and their offspring had lower rates of prematurity, low birth weight, and assisted newborn ventilation.

Perinatal mortality rates were similar for planned home and hospital births, but neonatal mortality rates were significantly higher with planned home births.

"Less medical intervention during planned home birth is associated with a tripling of the neonatal mortality rate," the study authors write.

Limitations of this study include those inherent in the included studies, self-selection of women for home birth, and insufficient data for some outcomes.

"Future research needs to be directed at identifying contributors to and reducing the apparently excessive neonatal mortality among planned home births," the study authors conclude. "Data regarding maternal mortality, maternal and newborn readmission rates and indications, and newborn neurologic injury are insufficient for evaluation and comparison.... Ideally, the results of such work will contribute to an obstetric and newborn best practices model benefiting women and children regardless of chosen birth location."

The study authors have disclosed no relevant financial relationships.

Am J Obstet Gynecol. Published online July 1, 2010.

My birth story - homebirth for a first-timer

2010-07-01T16:26:00.000+09:30

This is REALLY long so grab a cup of tea and settle in. It's not your usual light-hearted approach to a birth story, and it's not particularly emotional either - but it is very real to me.

10 March: Wednesday night I had a rehearsal for a concert that I'd been rehearsing in since November last year, and had dinner beforehand with friends including one with whom I'd been discussing motherhood and such things via email but hadn't seen in 5 years! I ate a large meal for the first time in ages. Rehearsal was fun and enjoyable, and I sat through the whole thing feeling very zen and with a smile on my face. I felt quite floaty and away with the fairies, struggling to concentrate on the music, and very calm. Puggles had been quiet for a few days and was low in my pelvis, resting on my thighs as I walked up stairs or sat to rehearse. It made it easier to sing though without a baby in my diaphragm!

11 March: At 2am on Thursday morning, I woke up from a deep sleep with an ache in my belly. I got up to go to the toilet, as TheHusband was coming to bed then, and went back to bed and put the radio on. I then had more regular pangs through the next hour – about 4 of them before the BBC shut off after an hour, so 15-minutely. I had visualised the ideal birth and it would be after a decent night's sleep, so after an hour or so of this I went and built a nest on the lounge with a pile of pillows, and slept through more of them until morning. When I woke up I was craving a hot breakfast, and TheHusband insisted on making me scrambled eggs and spaghetti on toast, with coffee. I mentioned that something was going on, and that we might have a baby today, but I was in denial in a big was as I was 39+2 at this stage and as a primip I expected to gestate longer yet!

I'm not sure when my membranes ruptured. It doesn't matter but I do know that I didn't have a big pop or gush of water. I also didn't lose a mucous plug in a clearly defined way – I did have a lot of mucous, and a bit of old blood tinged in one wipe, but no clear bloody show either.

About 10:30am I called my midwife Julie Garrat to let her know that things were maybe starting to happen. I was still in denial at this stage but wanted her there for the birth and to let her know that I might need to cancel our antenatal appointment for the next day. She talked to me for about 10 minutes and I only had to lightly breathe through one during that time and I knew she was listening to me to gauge how I going, which was “easy” at this stage.

I wandered around home, mostly wanting to be alone but also enjoying the quiet company of TheHusband and housemate / almost sisterfriend / fellow midwife Alice. We put on some movies in the couch room, and sat around watching Monsters Inc. I had to stand and sway through contractions but was dressed in a skirt and t-shirt still, barefoot in a gorgeous Autumn day. I had a glass of iced tea and a glass of water and some lipbalm, and an altar set up. I ate Clinkers and mint leaves, and Alice made popcorn which I ate a few pieces of, daintily and slowly. I had lit my candles and wrapped some of my blessingway yarn around the idol that Heather had given me when we were trying to conceive, and a heap of paper cranes left over from my blessingway.

I had downloaded an app on my iPod that I was using to time contractions by this stage to distract myself from them. They were 5-8 minutely and I soon couldn't talk through them but had to close my eyes and breathe.

Alice suggested we do a belly cast of my last day pregnant and even now, looking at it, I can't believe I was ever that big! I had a few contractions while in the cast which were good because it helped the otherwise stubborn cast to come off! I'd forgotten how much hairier I was with pregnancy and hadn't used quite enough Vaseline on some areas.

After the cast was off, I went and showered very thoroughly to remove the last of the Vaseline and plaster. I still had remnants of my blessingway henna and it was a wish of mine as well to birth with that on me. As I washed in the shower, the last of the henna faded and this was a huge transition point for me mentally to admit to myself that maybe I was in labour, before my edd or not.

I thought that I'd not be going to rehearsal that night or lunch with friends, but I did send TheHusband on his way to the lunch as I didn't want to be watched too much or to entertain anyone. After TheHusband left I got the WiiFit out and weighed myself, because I was curious as to how much I'd lose in giving birth.

I gave several groups of friends the heads up that things were starting and knew that candles were lit and thoughts sent to support me on my way. I love all the people I told because no one bugged me later that day!

Alice made lunch at this point and after dithering about whether I wanted it or not, I ended up eating a rather large bowl of meatballs and pasta. I was starting to feel spacey and wanting my own space, so it was good timing when Alice told me she was going to the gym that afternoon. My sister sent a text to see if I was free for a coffee, and when I told her I was in labour she arranged to visit to drop of her video camera. She came and sat for a little while but I shortly asked her to leave because I didn't need the distraction.

I set up my birth space in a room I didn't expect to use – the couch room, with tv and open doors and lots of couches. There was a table and a bit of wall to put affirmations and blessings and words of wisdom on the wall and candles and essential oils – kunzea and lavender and rose – and plenty of room for water and lollies and lipbalm and everything else I wanted. I took the time to go outside and paint some words on fabric to remind me – surrender, open, breath. I spent some time outside swaying and breathing through more contractions. They really weren't fading and Puggles was still wriggling around and things were getting more real.

I sent TheHusband a text to ask him to come home soon and he did – he brought home some mail, and I suggested he call his section leader and let him know he wouldn't be at rehearsal that night. I printed out my (as yet unfinished - never did write the transfer bit of it!) birth plan and talked with him about what I wanted. Some of the things I dismissed as I covered them – I was not in the mind space to quilt, for example. But most of it was still relevant and I was glad to discuss it with people between contractions.

I gave TheHusband the task of timing contractions and we watched another movie (one of the Harry Potters) and I continued to contract. They weren't slowing and were changing and at some point I said that I needed to let go of the feeling of being a pretender and embrace the fact that I was actually in labour, and just go about being in labour.

I had wanted the fitball blown up before labour, and of course tried sitting on that but couldn't. The one contraction that I had on there was far too painful and felt wrong, so I hauled myself up for every single other one. It was good later on to lean over but NOT to sit on! The one time that TheHusband tried to help me through one on the ball was the only time I forcefully pushed him away and couldn't stand to have him in my space.

Julie called back in the afternoon to see if I wanted her, and I said that things weren't going to get interesting until the sun went down, which proved to be right. I was in the shower when she called, swaying between contractions but not vocal. Still didn't want her there. My paternal grandmother also called my mobile I think during this shower as well, and TheHusband chatted to her as I was in no place to chat!

I had expected Julie to visit at some point between those two phonecalls but in hindsight it wasn't up to her to invite herself over, and I had to work out that I didn't need a tick of approval that I was in labour. I had to work that out for myself and tell Julie that this was for real. This was the first step in a journey during my labour, a journey to being completely in my body.

I had earlier that day sent Kate an email with subject header “Wolf” (as in crying wolf cause I was in denial, remember?) – I still was in denial about this! I let her know something might have been happening. I'd just seen her a few days earlier and said next time I saw her it'd be to have a baby, and that came back to remind me that I knew that things were happening. Some texts went back and forth with Kate about when to come over, and I sent her to dinner with friends rather than rushing over. She turned up about 7pm I think and made some comment about something (must ask her what) and I swore at her. It was then that I realised I really was concentrating to get through contractions and not really coming out of it when I was done.

I retreated to the shower for relief and peace, and it was glorious. I was just enjoying the last of the afternoon sun lighting up the window and wall and ducks on the wall, which are a lime green and the gorgeous clear blue that I've associated with Puggles this whole pregnancy. It was apparently a gorgeous sunset but I was in the shower when the sun disappeared so saw it in reflection, and I shed some tears at something. I've no idea what but it was another change.

Julie turned up around the 8pm point and my support people trooped to unpack the car. It was the last interruption that I was anticipating and now, my birth team was complete. I felt like a circle closed when the front door shut and the contractions stepped up again.

Julie came into the bathroom and talked to me through some contractions. I was bending my knees / squatting a little with each, and hanging off the glass in the shower, trying to open up. I looked up after a contraction and Julie was gone, which was fine by me – I shut the door and was glad not to have to ask to be left alone. TheHusband had set up my ipod in its player on the bathroom bench, and a playlist of Idea of North, and the songs went on as I kept patiently riding each out. They were starting to hurt and the endorphins were catching me half dozing in the corner of the shower. I tried to sway with the contractions, but that didn't work. I tried to have the water on my belly and found that the sensation was too much on my skin and my breasts. It was best if I leaned on the glass and rested my forehead on the glass and just breathed. Closing my eyes helped too.

The contractions kept going in the same spot – across my belly, under the edge of my bump. They were just contractions – nothing like period pain, but deep and visceral feelings of opening. Not a cramp, not a baby hug or a rush or whatever else you wanted to call them. They were undeniable and overwhelming and regular and so normal.

Up until this point it's all pretty clear what was going on. Each contraction would pass and I'd regroup. After Julie arrived it gets a bit blurry. I was surrendering to the journey and had left my glasses off in the shower, and didn't put them back on until after the birth.

Julie checked in and listened to bub's heart beat. I was getting upset and anxious and her heartbeat was higher than normal. That gave me the courage to regroup and let the contractions pass through me, over me, via me, rather than fighting them each time and tensing up. They didn't get easier but it did help to know that I was doing my first thing as a mama to calm the fuck down and just go with it.

I got out of the shower and was contracting back in the couch room, with Julie doing some effleurage on me which felt ah-maz-ing.

My birth team were at work blowing the pool up. I felt like throwing up at this point. The pump made a loud squeaky wheezy sound which got me out of my zone but it was comforting to know that normal stuff was going on around me. I threw up a little of lunch. TheHusband cleaned up and got back to blowing up the pool. Julie watched for a while as I swayed, naked, in the couch room still. My team discovered, after starting to fill the pool, that there was a liner to put in it. Julie left me alone and went to supervise the emptying of the pool and the lining of it. I wanted a change but didn't know what I wanted and I felt that the pool being filled would be another step in my journey. No prescribed marking my progress – no VEs, little listening to babe, no blood pressure or touching me in any way other than support – but another step somewhere.

I was hanging out for that pool to be filled and for me to get into it. Well a part of me was – most of me was just waiting for each contraction to come and then go. I counted 9 breaths for each, knowing it would pass before I got to 9. Then it took 11. The number of cranes on my altar. Then more. Then I forgot to open my eyes to see the cranes, and the number got higher. I would open my eyes after a contraction and look at the words on the wall and read the poems and the inspirations, look at the candle and the crowning head that was there, and then close my eyes and have another one.

I brushed my teeth and got back in the shower, and the contractions changed again. These hurt. Hurt in a way I couldn't escape or deal with. It hurt so much that I started to think about saying “enough”. I thought about an epidural. Surgery. Transferring. Anything to make this stop. It hurt in a way I can't convey – I couldn't go up, I couldn't go down, I couldn't go around or through. I couldn't do it anymore. I made bargains. I tried to stay with “just this one”. I tried to breathe and it wasn't working anymore. It hurt so much that I wanted off. I wanted out. My voice rose, and I could feel myself panicking. The contractions slowed and I rested in the corner of the shower, water hitting me and a small part of my mind had a moment to discuss this with my psyche after each contraction.

Transferring meant getting out of the shower.

Contraction.

It meant getting dressed.

Contraction.

It meant getting into a car and going somewhere and being examined and fighting and justifying and crying and blood and pain and more payment than I was willing to make for the off chance of relief. Contraction.

Plus I didn't want relief – I wanted it to change and me to be able to go back to coping with it.

Contraction.

Contraction.

I stood there in the corner and thought that it would take a couple of hours and a lot of things before I could have any promise of relief and that wasn't guaranteed and I didn't want to give in to what wasn't going to be an easy way out.

Contraction.

And so I just kept going. And it did change. Never knew that about labour - that it doesn't just get worse. It gets different. It really is a journey.

Eventually the pool was filled and I could get in. That feeling, of warm water and embrace, was like an orgasm. The contractions faded away, almost surprised to see some lovely happy smiles and feelings from me in the midst of their awesome and fearsome strength. Not for long though of course but enough for me to gather my strength and turn a bend in my journey. In the light of the bargaining I'd just been doing this was blessed relief!

My team gathered to support me as the night wore on. It was midnight ish by this stage. Kate knit. Alice watched and held the space and videod. TheHusband was my rock – he pulled up the stool for the piano, next to the pool and fed me water, Gatorade, whatever I wanted. I was down to one word directions and sounded a little whiney at times - “water”, “hot”, “cold”, and so on.

Why couldn't people read my mind?

Why did I have to come out of deep in myself to ask for these things?

The water was a tad cool, and the team set about working out how to get it hotter without it overflowing. I moved at one point and the hot water flashed across my legs and it really hurt. In a different way. I was upset that someone would do that! Offended even! In sharing that it hurt (I think I said “ow” in a different way I guess) I did pick up that my support team were a little uncomfortable with how I was going. This gave me pause – was I just going with it? Was it ok? Was Puggles ok still? Was I doing this right? Was I getting closer? I remember blinking and seeing the room with new eyes and a bit of fear. And then another contraction came and I was back into it.

Julie suggested turning off the lights and everyone settling in for a bit – Alice went for a nap, TheHusband stayed, Kate rested, and Julie lay on the couch in the other corner and napped.

I worked on in the water, in the blessed gloom.

I was hot. A fan appeared.

I wanted to brush my teeth again – TheHusband helped.

Twice.

I was cold. The water was fixed.

My team responded to me and I worked on. They rested as well, which helped me to be ok to keep people up.

It did strike me as amusing at this point that they could just go and lie down and rest – oh, to rest! To sleep! To give in and go away from the awful and majestic task master that is labour.

By this stage I'd been awake for a long time and was tired. I was starting to feel very worn and upset at this. Julie got me out of the pool and insisted on tucking me into bed – a change of scenery and energy. I was singing a loud birth song with each contraction, and my throat was getting sore. Julie heated up two heat packs, tucked me into bed with my husband's arms around me and left me for a while. Contractions continued and they hurt. Oh, how they hurt. I would sleep between them but would wake up, back arched and in agony, every few minutes. I was lying on my bed, on my left hand side, lights off and a little scared that I couldn't cope.

At this point I was scared at the pain to come and the pushing taking more out of me and I was way too out of the moment to continue on. I lasted about half an hour in bed before saying it was a stupidly bad idea and got back into the pool. Slowly by this stage but the pool was where it was at. I got back in pool – I can't tell you whether I ran or hobbled, whether I contracted or didn't on the way there. I knelt in the pool and faced my husband who was seated outside the pool waiting for me to need him.

I suddenly felt pushy and gave a little trial one. It hurt in a different way and I was disappointed! Where was the joy of pushing? Where was the change from pain to pleasure? Disappointed! Just a little of course – I was also rather amused to discover the true meaning of not being able to resist. I had an inkling that something wasn't going perfectly or easily but no one mentioned anything so I just continued to take it one at a time. I rested between the contractions, leaning against the pool side. They slowed quite a lot. Sometimes I napped, only to slip down the pool side and feel my face touch the water and waking me up. Mostly I rested. Sometimes I tried to ignore the first hint of a gathering contraction and of course, ignoring it didn't work and instead I'd be caught unprepared for the contraction and is hurt so much more. But I was tired and not able to always stay on top of when they were coming.

The pain was back with a vengeance. Some of the contractions hurt in a different way and my SI joints were starting to hurt, especially my left one which I'd separated 3 years earlier. This scared me but it just hurt, rather than really really hurting in a way I couldn't cope with. I waved my hands and TheHusband was there for me. I pulled on him as I pushed – a position that he held without complaint for 4 more hours (which I really regretted for a week as my L shoulder, only 12 months on from reconstructive surgery, really ached and meant I could only feed using my R arm) and that I used for every contraction unless I forgot and then I needed him. Alice was there a few times when he stepped away and a contraction caught me sooner than anticipated. I was careful not to squeeze quite as hard on her hands because the strength in my hands was awesome.

As discussed during my pregnancy, Julie offered sterile water injections into my back because she could see (from the fact that every third or so contraction I was bolt upright, hand digging into my back, head thrown back and obviosuly in a lot of pain) that it might help. I nodded my head, convinced I would be able to stand the pain (she did warn me that it was horrible) and admitting to myself that my fear of this stage was that my pelvis, injured a few years ago, would not cope with this. Some of the contractions had me still kneeling and ok with bearing down, opening up and pushing down. Others had me kneeling up with my pelvis thrust forward, head thrown back and howling with pain through them. Julie got out her equipment, checked again that I was sure I wanted this as the relief would be awesome but it would hurt a lot, and at that stage I didn't care. I wanted something to change. She touched my sacrum on the right, the left, then higher up my back, perhaps showing my support people where she was going to inject the water under my skin. And said she'd wait for a contraction and that I'd have to come to her side of the pool for it.

Sweet mother fucking OW – it was like being stung by a huge pissed off wasp with a hangover, an attitude, and a point to prove. It was like being whipped with hot snapping sizzling fat. It hurt WAY more than a contraction did! I cried out in pain, real pain, and scooted away from her. Shaking my head and whimpering, I said no more. No. No. NO. It made me cry a little but it did work. I only regret that I didn't ask her to put it in my left SI joint first on the off chance that I couldn't cope with more than one, because it did work really well. So much so that later contractions, with Puggles moving down, had me pressing on my left SI joint only.

It was about 3am by this stage I think – not having glasses on meant I couldn't actually see the clocks.

(As an aside, in debriefing this with Julie afterwards, it seems at some point the conversation was had between my support people and Julie about how I was going. There was concern about me not wanting to do this anymore and wanting to help but Julie told them that this was what I wanted and that it was all normal. I'm glad that I didn't know this at the time!)

With the pain and the pushing and the time and everything, I had to focus on bringing my voice down rather than letting it get higher and higher. Julie did suggest at this point too to change the word I was using. I'm a little amused to say that it was just a simple "ow" at that point because it helped to make an o sound then to close it out with a w. It made sense to me at this point but mentally wasn't that great was it? Julie suggested trying something else – so I tried instead to say “roar” which was funny to me even then, because talking about it meant I'd come out of my labour land and considered this at a very high level. So my roar started as a teeny tiny pretend roar and it wasn't until I got back into labour land that I got my ROAR going. So when I say I roared my baby earthside I really did!)

I was pushing with most contractions now, and running from the wrong kind of pain with the odd one. Julie suggested I reach down and find where Puggles was – Puggle's head was an inch inside my vagina. With a push it came down a bit further and went back up. It felt amazing. I was making progress. I was birthing.

I pushed for an hour with no more progress though. I was to find out later that this wasn't really pushing though – it was going with feeling but being pulled through the wave of pain, with bub sitting on my pelvic floor and perinium all the while. In hindsight I was waiting for it to take me along for the ride and that wasn't enough.

Julie listened with the Doppler and was suddenly alert – it was easy to hear a heartbeat over the anterior shoulder, but also with just a little movement in direction, to hear the cord. She wondered aloud whether this was something to be worried about, but listening to Puggles there was no hint of the cord being compressed, so on we went. She did encourage me to move around though and got me to lie on my back and float for a little while. She suggested TheHusband get into the pool with me to hold me but I didn't want him in my space at this stage. I didn't want help. I didn't want anyone to do it with me or for me. I wanted to be able to say I did it myself. I floated on my back.

With a push she commented to Alice that she could see a bit of a cervical lip coming down with bub's head. She asked me to see if I could feel that but I couldn't tell anything apart from where I stopped and a piece of head - oh that endless piece of head! - started so reluctantly sh did a vaginal exam to see what was going on, and pushed it back easily. She suggested moving around to an open squat. I didn't want to move from the comfortable position I was in. She suggested I stand up – I did to try it out, but immediately sank back into the water with a whimper as that hurt too much and felt wrong with a babe between my pelvis to be standing up. I moved around into a squat. That worked really well but my progress was starting to sink in. Or not as the case was.

(As an aside – this VE also revealed that bub's head was deflexed and was slightly crooked. I had to keep going because until my uterus had contracted down enough to hold Puggles against my perineum so Julie could help her to flex. But I had to keep going to get to that point. She didn't tell me at that point as there was no need to and it would only have frightened me to hear "deflexed head" and "brow presentation" mentioned, damn training be damned!)

I returned to my squat and kept going with the pushing. Another hour passed. Julie commented that I was leaking colostrum and that was a good sign. I felt a little bit of a burn – was that the ring of fire? The burning passed. No ring of fire. No baby born into my hands. The pushes were inconsistent and so frustrating – sometimes I needed to arch my back, sometimes lean forward, sometimes lean back. Sometimes I bore down and opened and felt my back bulge. Other times I didn't know where to push or how. I know Puggles was trying to change position but it was so frustrating. I started to get upset with this. I wanted help. There was no help to offer me. And then I said those magical words.

I can't do this anymore.

I cried. I wailed. I'd been pushing for 3 hours by this stage. I was so upset and still going but just couldn't do it anymore. Julie looked me in the eyes and said that it wasn't that I couldn't. She could see that I could. And I was doing it. I'd gotten this far. But I didn't want to anymore. I didn't want to and it was ok to say that. But I was doing it and would do it. And I was getting closer.

I sat with this for a while. Turned it over in my head. Considered that yes, I didn't want to go on. It was hard and it was harder than I thought. I had hit my limit and just over there, on the other side of some amazingly high barrier, was my womanhood and motherhood and power and goddess-like ability to birth and I was stuck, over here in normal land. Oh goddess I had to get through that, over that, into that. I've never pushed myself like I had to push through that barrier. It was 6 o'clock in the morning by this stage. I was exhausted and so tired and knew I was running on the last of my reserves. I was running in front of the last of the “easy” labour, where my body was pushing me onwards, and needed it to end or else other eventualities were waiting for me once the sun rose.

I've never felt so scared of a sunrise nor as invigorated.

I turned around for a change in scenery and because the lining on the other side of the pool was coming a bit loose with me leaning over it for hours. TheHusband came around and sat again on the stool.

I opened my eyes and did the scariest thing ever – I looked into my husband's eyes, the father of the child I was working to birth, and drew strength from him.

His cool blue eyes locked onto mine and looked back into my soul. It was scary how deep he looked into me and where we went in that little while of pushing.

It gave me strength and I pushed and pushed and pushed like there was no tomorrow because there wasn't for me.

I could see the clock over TheHusband's shoulder and shook the last of the “floating along with the labour” off and swore to myself that Puggles would be born before dawn. I was born at dawn myself and could see the sky start to lighten. I knew in my brain that I could not do this in the daylight. This kind of power and pain and challenge was a creature of the night and in the daylight I would be undone.

I pushed.

The clock ticked.

The world turned and the sun rose.

I pushed more.

Julie got closer and did a vaginal examination to help Puggles flex her head, then supported my perinium which gave way at some point close to her birthing but without support would probably have gone further than the second degree tear that I ended up with.

I felt no ring of fire but I did feel more fullness in my vagina which spurred me on.

I pushed and held and pushed and held.

Puggles progressed.

I celebrated.

I thought about all the women before me, and the future that I faced. I suddenly realised, at about 6:30am, that I was scared of being a mother. I was so afraid of repeating my past and I was so not ready to be a mother. I cried. I said all of that and more.

Then I pushed. I took another breath and I pushed.

I looked into TheHusband's eyes and I pushed.

I waited between contractions, feeling Puggles wriggle for the last times inside me, and waited for the next contraction.

I took a breath, and held on to TheHusband's hands. Her head crowned and stayed there.

Julie said pant. I tried. She said to reach down and feel her shoulders. I reached down and could still just feel head. Thankfully my vagina wasn't in full view - there aren't any photos or video of any of this and I'm happy with that! - so she was just guessing at what was going on. But I certainly didn't feel shoulders.

Why oh why did I only ever feel head? Hard and round and never ending. And then a pop. I took my other hand from TheHusband's and felt around quickly. You can see it on the video as I did it. I exclaimed “ears!” because it was the first soft thing of my baby's that I could feel. Julie asked if I could just feel ears and I checked around – no cord and yes, ears! My support people laughed and relaxed. TheHusband's hands were on my shoulders supporting me. I pushed and she wriggled which felt all sorts of wrong. I stopped and just let my hands rest there. Another little push and swoosh pop – she was out. I picked her up and she was here.

I was so relieved that I was crying without tears, from the sheer relief of being at the end of that journey. She looked into my eyes immediately that I picked her up, and then looked at TheHusband as if to say “Ah I'm home”. After a little while I wanted to check what I had birthed – people were quick to reassure me that they hadn't seen. I had, as I picked her up, and was sure we had a daughter. But I stood on that threshold because it was again the unknown. I lifted her leg and shared her sex with TheHusband and again cried tears of relief that it was over. I was really uncomfortable in the position I was but her cord was short so I scooted over in the pool to sit on the seat and share some bonding with TheHusband. Puggles had not made a peep and was pink almost immediately – APGARS of 9 and 10! – and was just so beautiful to behold.

Julie had gotten TheHusband to get a hat which was put on her head, and Alice was working to heat up some towels. The heater was on too as the room was quite cold. I was beholding the miracle I'd achieved and others were buzzing around. TheHusband made a heap of phonecalls – to his parents, to my dad and step-mum, and so on.

The sun finally rose.

I requested a cup of something hot and sweet. The water changed to rose colour. I sipped something hot while I took in her sweet face and little rosebud lips and amazing smell. Towels were changed and I started to feel SO tired that I was slipping off the little seat and into the water. After a while, I started to get really uncomfortable and wanted to get out. But Puggle's cord was fairly short so I could barely lift her to my navel. Which made getting out of the pool a challenge. The placenta had still not birthed and I was starting to feel odd, so I decided to cut the cord and hand Puggles over to TheHusband. This was about an hour after she was born. Cord was clamped – had completely forgotten about the cord tie that I'd made! - and I cut the cord.

No one else even asked. I climbed out of the pool and went to sit on the loo and wee. Ooooooh how good is that first post-birth wee?

I passed a heap of clots at that stage as well, and thought it was my placenta but when Alice peeked she said no the cord was still dangling down. Which was good as I was sad at the thought of my placenta ending up in the loo rather than being able to be used. I was starting to get cold and really come back into the reality of being so tired, and starting to feel a bit ill. Julie came to check on me and my placenta and I asked her to help me out with it. She had me try to push it out but it wasn't coming, and I was starting to worry about the blood. She wasn't but I insisted on something to help so syntometrine was given in my left thigh and a few minutes later the placenta birthed. That kind of hurt to be honest and I was aware of my tears by that stage!

The placenta went into a bowl and I went into the shower. Oh glorious shower! Julie brought my placenta in to have a look at it and it was so beautiful to behold. She then tucked me and Sally in to bed and got Alice to hold the torch. Yep it needed stitching and the worst part of that process was the local anaesthetic. Then tugging and so forth as I tried to stay awake. Kate left before this started and TheHusband was in bed with me as well, first dressing Puggles and then cuddling us both. Suturing done, a feed was in order but I was so sleepy by that stage and Puggles' mouth small and her lip tucked under that I ended up falling asleep cuddled up instead!

The washing was put on, some tidying done, Julie left (looking a little worse for wear) and Alice made me toast with peanut butter before crawling off to bed too! I sent a heap of texts to my friends to tell them the news and received some very excited ones back.

Girasol Jungle - baby on board!

2010-06-22T17:59:00.000+09:30

Using the Big Huge Labs Mosaic Maker tool I've made you a picture of some baby wearing.

Wearing a baby is easy when you know how

2010-06-16T08:14:00.000+09:30

I've had Sally in my Girasol today on my back. I had pulled into a carpark at work to visit and walk to the post office and then back to work, and had a horrified customer stop me and offer to help as I tossed Sally onto my back. Way to go for giving me encouragement there lady (not!).

Anyway, she really enjoyed being on my back, giggle maniacally when put on there and went to sleep pretty quickly.

She's been on there for going on 3 hours since TheHusband came home as she was sleepy but not able to be convinced to sleep and I needed to make polenta and do Stuff so she's on there again.

TheHusband did take photos so I'll get them off my camera in a minute and post. Having her on my back has indicated that I really need a shorter one than the Girasol though!!

While I'm eating lunch...

2010-06-12T12:08:00.000+09:30

Via Pink of Perfection:

Do this quickly, without too much thought.

1. Write ten things you love.
2. Write five things you would do if you knew you wouldn’t fail.
3. Write five alternative lives you would like to live other than your own.
4. Write four tiny things you can do in the life you have to bring you closer to those imagined lives.

Now, imagine an older, wiser version of yourself who has some advice to share.

1. What do you need to know?
2. What do you need to embrace?
3. What do you need to do?
4. What do you need to grieve?
5. What do you need to celebrate?

----------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Write ten things you love.

The smell of food cooking in my kitchen
Tutus on little people
The colours of the rainbow
Making a friend smile
Baby cuddles
Neatly manicured toes
Warm hands
Hats with ears
A good coffee and/or glass of wine
Wind chimes

2. Write five things you would do if you knew you wouldn’t fail.

Skydive
Run for prime minister
Perm my hair
Open a craft/yarn store
Ride and camp my way across the state

3. Write five alternative lives you would like to live other than your own.

French cheesemaker
Anyone French actually
Canadian midwife
New Zealand knitwear designer
Online writer

4. Write four tiny things you can do in the life you have to bring you closer to those imagined lives.

Learn French
Learn to make cheese
Visit France, Canada and New Zealand
Write more

Now, imagine an older, wiser version of yourself who has some advice to share.

1. What do you need to know? The things in life that happen, happen just as equally to you. Yes the bad stuff happens but so does the ordinary, and the normal. You are not a special little snowflake for the most part and you're not that different.
2. What do you need to embrace? Your normalacy and mainstreamness.
3. What do you need to do? Be open to love from all quarters.
4. What do you need to grieve? Your childhood
5. What do you need to celebrate? The life that you have made for yourself! You havebeen in control almost half of it now and you are doing a great job of it!

Comments

2010-06-11T12:57:00.002+09:30

It seems that in turning comment moderation on because some idiots have felt the need to spam me, I turned off comments altogether. Which was an oversight that's been fixed now - thankyou to Katrine and Adele for pointing it out to me very promptly!

It always comes back to the mother, huh

2010-06-10T23:03:00.001+09:30

So once again, I have gotten slack in blogging. Lots of reasons - winter has come and sat on my couch and is glaring at me alternately with bright sunshine and so I'm struggling to adjust to the change. I will adjust but the adjustment is kind of distressing. Also I'm dealing with shit from the accident of 2007 and that makes me run on emotional empty. That'll be settled in under 6 months though, so the end is in sight.

I am also struggling with being a mama in one main way - mostly that my mother screwed me in the head from a very young age. I'm 30 so I'll give you the short version. Mostly that I had a younger sibling before I was 2, had an absent older abusive sibling whose existence screwed my parent's relationship up, and then 2 more siblings by the time I was 6, and 8. This is not to say that big families screw children up but my mother had no time for me even from before I was 2 and I felt it. I am therefore fiercely independent and really struggle with a lot of elements of relationships because of these issues with attachment parenting or the lack of it.

One in particular has come up recently because I am perhaps a lot more aware of relationships and those around me now that I'm pregnant. I wonder if others have noticed the fog of pregnancy lifting and you realising the world isn't a rosy happy safe place afterall. Anyway, what I'm noticing is that I'm trying to fit in and be liked/wanted by the cool kids. I was NEVER one of the cool kids - I was the scruffy, bookish, outspoken, badly dressed, strangely accented and weird new girl ALL my life and the cool kids never ever wanted me to be a part of their cool. As I moved around a lot as a child I also never saw the point in making friends as I was leaving in a year or two, though I think that attitude was a survival mechanism to the rejection felt from my mother originally and ongoing'ly and also from the kids I hung around with (or didn't as the case may be). Which is not to say that I don't and didn't have friends. At the time I always had friends and I am blessed with amazing friends now who take me as I am and who are open to me as I am.

So at the moment I find myself wanting the cool kids to like me. Which they don't have to but I keep chasing them and wanting to be with them and feeling really awful when they don't want to know or include me. Yes at 30 and as a mother my psyche is still in highschool, why do you ask? Perhaps if I didn't know about all the stuff I wasn't a part of, then I wouldn't be so upset about it but I do know about it so it does upset me.

Oh wait.

It's not all about me.

They probably don't consciously exclude me or reject me.

And quite frankly if they are doing it consciously, and the people involved don't have the nerve to actually talk to me about why/if they dislike me then I'm just going to have to get on with being myself.

These feelings are really overwhelming at times with the anxiety that is ruling my life because of dealing with lawyers etc, but I actually stopped the other day and asked myself what I was missing in chasing the affection of the cool kids.

And in that moment, I saw that there are people in my life who are trying to get my attention and be friendly to me. And it is a STUPID situation to be in where I am a little bit focused on the people who don't want me to be a part of their group, for whatever reason, to the detriment of other relationships with people who do.

Oh wait - that'd be the story of my life. Me rejecting siblings because I pointlessly pursued my mother's affection. A fight I fought for the first 27 years of my life before I walked away and was a lot healthier for it.

And so it comes back to my mother. And the mothering I didn't have. And all the reasons that I think Sally is lucky to have a sensible reflective grownup mother for her mama.

I'm not sure what to do or how to do it. I need to process it and consciously deal with the feelings somehow. Cause the next 5 months are just going to get harder before they get easier, because of winter and lawyer stuff and Sally growing and everything else.

Any advice or books or suggestions would be appreciated.

Resume of what I am

2010-06-02T12:16:00.037+09:30

Not what I want to be, or what I'm developing skills in now, but what I am. I stole this from Kate at Craftastrophies, who stole it from a cup of tea and a wheat penny.

Likes to wear colours rather than black. A lot of them all at one time. Because she likes deep, rich colours, they do go together. She hopes. Is known for telling other people, in the cafe or the store, that she likes their scarf or stockings, while being aware that it may come across her desiring to steal said item of clothing.

Must have one of "those" faces, as is regularly mistaken for someone else. Will give directions to confused-looking pedestrians, shoppers or tourists. Prefers to write with a fountain pen, with orange ink. Carries a large bag as a handbag, complete with just enough stuff to make it full but able to be navigated.

Likes to write letters by hand and owns boxes of stamps to post them with. Carries an old-fashioned address book and notebook to write important things in. Has an uncanny knack for reverse parallel parking and finding lost objects.

Considers herself active but in reality hasn't ridden a bike in years, loves to make stock from scratch, detests corriander. Is mistaken for a Kiwi occassionally and wouldn't mind going there again.

Has silver hairs starting to show through and doesn't care. Does stop to smell the roses and loves to do the puzzles in the paper, but only after reading the cartoons. Was tortured with flying insects as a child with long hair to put them in and has a phobia of them now.

Sings in a choir for a university she has never attended. Loves cats, small children and the colour red. Is untidy and impatient and grumpy when hungry. Can write with her left hand but can't brush her teeth with that hand.

To do today

2010-05-31T10:41:00.000+09:30

I wanted to write out a list of things that I have to get done today. Boring post but it should help my brain stop running up and down and round about!

Call lawyer and sort out issues
Call chiro and sort out payment
Book a massage, accupuncture and/or something
Look adoringly at my daughter
Photograph clothes I want to sell
Pay for sling
~~Post yarn~~
~~Get uni to send my portfolio back or arrange to go and collect it!~~
Renew membership with Australian Breastfeeding Association
Sew up quilts
and dress for Sally

10 things we're looking for in a "new" car

2010-05-28T05:26:00.027+09:30

Self-explainatory I guess. We will be in the market for a new-to-us car in the near future so here's a list of things we're looking for on Carsales.com.au which I use because you can search by colour:

Extra safety perks and lurks - airbags and all that.
Bright colour. Strange to start off with that but at the moment we have a yellow car and we want a bright colour again. Red or blue or green or yellow or orange would be fine. Not white, or blah blue, or grey, or black.
5 seater.
5 door - we have a 3 door at the moment (so 2 side doors and a boot) but as Sally is getting bigger I'm struggling to get her into her seat.
Sports wagon type of car. Something that we can put bikes racks on the top of and go away in as well as park easily.
Manual. It was heartbreaking for me when we had to change from our manual car to an automatic a few years ago, because of my left shoulder not being able to drive one anymore at the time. It'll be strange to have one again and a bit of a learning curve but we both want one!
Fuel efficient around the city but gutsy enough to be on the highway/freeway.
Quiet on the road.
Good sound system.
Cup holders, bottle holders in the door, flap thing around the sun visor, storage options and so on. These are all perks that I had in my Hyundai Accent and it's the creature comforts that I enjoy in a car, not the size of the engine or the

I love the postman

2010-05-26T10:29:00.021+09:30

Not literally as he is not someone so much as the entire distribution centre that we have a post box at. But per my post about what I was waiting on, I thought I'd update you on what did arrive:

My glasses in all of their awesomeness:

These were "free" in that I only paid $13 odd for postage and handling. I am spectacularly nearsighted so I need to have a spare pair of glasses handy in case I break/lose/ruin my working pair. Without them I can only clearly see maybe a foot in front of my nose which makes functioning without them pretty impossible. Anyway, I received a voucher for them from Clearly Contacts, went to an optometrist for an eye test (which was overdue anyway), picked a frame, filled in my order and two weeks later, as they came from the USA, I received perfectly suiting glasses. They are deeper and wider than my old ones but I think they're prettier, more elegant and way more fun than my old ones plus - I CAN SEE PROPERLY as despite being 30 my eyes still change fairly frequently. Interestingly though, even if I'd paid for them, these glasses would have been less than $100. Which is a lot less than I can get them locally, and I don't need service or advice or two pairs of glasses so I'm not in need of the in-shop experience either. So if you're motivated and keen I highly recommend using an online store for glasses. Yes it's a leap of faith to choose frames without seeing them but it's not impossible and actually kind of fun.
Tshirts yep. I bought the xl size as my awesomely milky breasts are now putting me into strangely sized clothes, and the tshirts kind of fit there but baggy everywhere else. But the l sized ones I already have don't quite fit either. I hate this part of being post-baby, where I'm in between sizes.
Lawyer stuff was dealt with.
VistaPrint stuff received. I bought some things for my midwife and will give them to her shortly I hope. Except the door magnet I ordered for her was tucked into the bottom of the box so I didn't find it on unpacking my order. So I contacted VistaPrint to ask wtf and am being sent another one. So my midwife gets two. Oops.
One lot of nappies arrived. I bought some second hand itti bittis in medium for Sally as she is getting to the end of wearing her smalls. They are seriously cute and very useful and user friendly.They are so cute and she is petite so they should last us a while and with winter coming I don't have any qualms about having a few extras.
The other lot is the first time in a long time that a seller has screwed me over for something. I purchased secondhand nappies from her on a forum and paid for them and... silence. Nada. I am angry because I so don't have money to send to strangers, but I sent her a message last night via Stalkbook and have let it go to the universe.
No news on the Mums and Bubs market stall pass as yet but I did piece the quilts together on the weekend, and have dyeing planned!
Felt embellishments arrived. One of them is really scary in person so I'm not sure that I like it.
And the stitch markers arrived except AustPost's machine ate the envelope so I only got 2. Which is a real shame but meh they were part of a karma swap (ie they were free because I sent something on to someone else) so I'm not fussed.
And yay buttons!

2010-05-24T12:16:00.001+09:30

New glasses!

2010-05-24T10:29:00.001+09:30

I wanted to see if this works so here's a pic of my new glasses.

An anniversary of sorts

2010-05-22T17:23:00.000+09:30

ETA: Hmmmm I did write a post here but it seems to have got et. So I'll repost something about what I meant.

On 21/05/2007 I was noodlng along on my beloved Zip50 scooter on the back streets of the 'burbs when an idiot got distracted at a roundabout by a young man collecting rubbish for the local Golden Arches "restuarant" and failed to roundabout correctly, hitting me and my scooter base over apex / arse over tit / for 6 / clean off the wheels / whatever euphamism you like. I wasn't badly hurt, in the scheme of things, but for the past/next 3 years I have had to deal with a rather impressive list of injuries, both mental and physical.

So on Friday just past I celebrated the passing of 3 years since that fateful day. It has been a shit of a time since then really. The whole experience has coloured my studies and life and relationship and friend's experience of me in a way that I don't really understand. I hate hate hate dealing with it and having to visit with my lawyer last week to finalise another step in the claim was shit. But it's another step in a journey that will definitely end, hopefully this year.

The end point will be money. It won't be an apology from the idiot who hit me, or a medal for not giving up, or anything meaningful. And frustratingly no one can tell me whether that money will be enough to make a difference to my life (because there is NO amount of money that is going to compensate me for the loss I've had to deal with) or whether after medical costs and lawyers fees there will only be a few magic beans left. So TheHusband and I play a fun game sometimes of "what would we do with lots of money". Which is rather fun, similar to "what happens if we win the lottery" but yah know, the chances are probably a bit higher.

We therefore have a list of priorities:

new car
new fancy top quality mattress
kettle that doesn't BUZZ all the time (not really but it just started BUZZING AGAIN and I have a babe asleep on my chest and a laptop on my lap so can't be bothered getting up to it)
laptop for TheHusband
trip to see my paternal grandparents
trip to New Zealand
little house to call our own

with lots of things in between of course, and setting us up with investments and plans for Sally and so on.

10 things I'm waiting for in the post...

2010-05-13T19:31:00.003+09:30

I am actually waiting on a LOT of things in the post at the moment which is great! But I am impatient!!

New glasses!!!! They cost me postage as I "won" a free pair. Can't wait to see how they go.
Threadless tshirts x3 (2 for me, 1 for TheHusband)
Notice from my lawyers about my claim (as it is coming up to 3 years since my accident)
Several boxes from VistaPrint (purchased before the Icelandic volcano exploded and delayed the already-slow postage I chose)
Nappies
x2 lots actually
Stallholder pass for Mums and Bubs market 13 June 2010
Felt embellishments
Stitch markers
Buttons

It's funny though because I didn't pay for much of this. The glasses were free ($14ish postage), the Threadless tshirts were from money I earned from selling yarn, the VP stuff also from yarn sales, the nappies are modern cloth nappies that are saving us a bucketload each week, and the last 3 were swaps with others to get my crap gone (it's called a karma swap - I take something from someone and offer something of mine up instead). #7 I hope will be $$ coming in!!

What about you? What are you waiting for in the post?

Project list!

2010-05-04T10:29:00.002+09:30

So for at least the next 4 months we are living quite close to the bone money-wise, which means that I in particular need to watch my pennies. But entertainment is rarely free, so I am having to look for ways to amuse myself around baby wrangling.

On Ravelry, I signed up for the "shop the stash" thread, so that I am committing not so much to not buying yarn (zomg! don't tell me I can't do something!!!) but that I'm going to use what I have to hand. Which is hard when I really want to knit a Rose Red beret in a bright green but instead I am knitting it in a purpley-pink because I don't have any green.

A good thing that I love dyeing yarn, and have some amazing stuff to use up still. This one in a wool/alpaca blend and is a smooshy but loosely plied yarn which will be awesome in the cable and lace pattern planned.

In an effort to be more frugal and to get some $$ on the inwards side of our ledger, I am also going to list the craft that I have things in the cupboard with which to do and haven't had the time. I have some more of that time now, so I plan on using it.

Projects on the plan:

Central Park Hoodie - yes, I'm amazingly far behind the 8-ball in getting excited about this. Kate at Craftastrophies gifted me some amazingly smooshie possum-merino The Knittery (sadly now defunct) yarn last year as a wedding gift and it's now going to be turned into an awesome cardigan. I actually wound a ball this morning, discovering in the process that each of the 3 smooshy skeins that I have is actually 3 skeins, so there is a lot of ball winding in my future. Will swatch today I think.
Rose Red beret as above.
Duck Soup to finish. Seriously - it's got 1 and a bit sleeves to do. It's a baby garment so that is NOT a lot of knitting. I should just finish it.
Moderne Baby Blanket from Mason Dixon Knitting.
At least 2 baby hats.
Plus a heap of other hats that I've traded things with other lovely mamas.
Quilts/play mats - 8 I think. I have tie-dyed some of the fabric and just need to get sewing. Next week. And photos of the fabric as well cause it is AWESOME.
Framing of various things.
Cards to make.
Beading to do.
Books to read.
Postcards (awaiting delivery) to send!
Sell my tshirt collection cause now that I have awesome cleavage care of breastfeeding, my tshirts don't fit. Some of them are AWESOME and it's hard to part with them*.

So it's not like I don't have things to do. But perhaps frugality comes with a dose of stepping away from the shopping and into what is to hand. This is not even touching on the cooking that I could do, the libraries to go to, the people to visit with and letters to write.

* Kate and I had a big chat about this on the weekend when we went for a long drive to see a rather underwhelming alpaca show. It's a catch-22 situation to have a lot of (things - let's say tshirts). I open my drawer and think "Wow I have a lot of tshirts I will wear this one!" and I put it on, and it's too small. Or smells odd. Or has a stain. Or the arms don't sit right. So I either wear it and fidget with it all day, or I take it off and put it back in the drawer. Because I have a lot of tshirts and it's a Good Shirt so I don't want to reject it out of hand. But if I actually tried them all on, my huge pile of shirts turns (turned actually) into a set of maybe 6 that fit and are in good condition. Which gets me thinking about why I keep the ones that don't and aren't. Some of them I adore because they're cute and funky and retro, just like me. Others I keep because I feel that I should own a black one, or a white one. But there is no point in having clutter, which is what defunct tshirts and sweaters and shoes and so on are.

10 things I wish I had known 8 weeks ago

2010-05-03T18:45:00.002+09:30

Sally is nearly 8 weeks old! She weighs slightly more than 4kg now which is pretty awesome - firmly on the 15th percentile and cute as a button.

Here are 10 things that I wish I'd known 8 weeks ago though. Or even 12 weeks ago when I was still working. Consider it my assvice to first time mamas:

Keep working if you need to, and muster a "fuck off" face for anyone who exclaims at you still working. You won't be working still (at 32 weeks, or 38 weeks, or up til the day you go into labour) if you didn't financially need to and sadly money does influence how much women work during pregnancy.If you've made a decision, own it.
If you don't need to, then stop as soon as you can. I regret continuing on to 36 and a half weeks to be honest, because the last 2 I was so miserable and sore and wanting to just focus on my bellybabe that I suffered each freaking hour. I also birthed at 39 weeks so didn't get the time I thought I would. But see point #1 cause that was the boat I was in.
Cut back on everything else. Send your partner or your apologies to things without you. Become a hermit in any way that you can, if you can't disengage from work and study and other commitments.
It's a good learning phase for what it's like to have a newborn to be honest, and now is the time to practice it and make peace with the guilt or upset you'll feel at not participating. But the mental benefits of it are huge and it's easier to learn it that way, instead of when you do something, exhaust yourself, get upset (lack of sleep is the BIGGEST dictator of how I cope at the moment) and then take 2 days to get over it.
NOTHING is going to prepare you for having a babe. NOTHING. It is so mindblowing and all-consuming and just insane, in a terribly soft and lovely way as bluemilk has said. Sure the practicalities of it are learnable, the what to dress them in and how to respond to cues and how to tie a wrap. But the head stuff? Nup. NOTHING is going to get you through, around or prepared for that. But you can prepare yourself for *that* element of it.
Know that you are going to have no idea of how you're going to feel and that you'll need people to call and cry to (midwife, friends, other mothers) because I think a lot of mothers will know what you mean and can tell you that it's normal.
Be physically prepared. Have meals in your freezer, in small serves. Have extra baskets around the house with water bottle, nappies, nipple cream, tissues, book, lipbalm etc. Get lots of pads ready. Put dark sheets on your bed. Wash everything. Get some singlets and trackpants and socks and undies and slippers ready. Get a haircut and lots of convenience things that you might not normally get (face wipes, favourite toothpaste, nice soap).
Do some work on your relationship beforehand and get some idea of each other's expectations.
Get your partner to read Birth Partner.
And step away from the computer!! Step away from research and planning and trying to be prepared for this. Embrace that you can't plan or write lists or pack anything that will prepare for all of this. And be ok with this.

Know that first time mother hood is coming and it is something that you cannot plan for, and cannot touch and cannot fathom as yet. And you will be so amazed at how much Love you have yet to hold in yourself. You have so much strength and care and warmth and inate knowledge that you will be fine for the future. Really you will be. You're going to doubt that and revel in it and thoroughly love your babe and that can't be found on google or a forum or in a book.

You just need to get through the last few weeks leaning on the inner mama lion that you have. That's also what she's there for - not just to roar when your babe is here.

Lastly - the shit that I have with my relationship with my mother didn't come out during labour. I didn't stop labouring because of any issues I have. But I did get to a point where I acknowledged that I was terrified of being a mother because of what my mother was/is like. It's at the end of my birth story (yeah must post that), a few minutes before I birthed, where I went through a moment of doubt right before I did it and it caught me by surprise. I guess that really did mean I was 99% ok and processed.

Go for a walk, swim, massage, cup of tea and paper, whatever it is that you need to recharge your batteries. And take every day one at a time. Also good practice for labour and each contraction.

Moths in the stash... and the cupboard... and the ugg boots

2010-05-02T12:10:00.002+09:30

I had a friend ask me what to do about moths:

The little green sweater I have on here has been eaten by moths. Just about everything in our house that’s woollen has. It’s really getting out of control. At the moment only things that have been on or near the floor, like clothes in bags in the wardrobe or under the bed and uggboots and slippers so I think they were in the house when we came here, not brought in. I noticed a couple of holes in a woollen skivi last year but just thought I had snagged it on something. That must have been when it started and they’ve reproduced a lot over summer. It’s terrible. I had a beautiful little woollen bag that was made for me by my Japanese grandmother when I stayed there for two weeks back in 2002 and they ate through it completely! Normally moths seem to pop in, have a bit of a munch and then disappear and you find the evidence of them a few months later. This time they were crawling all over it and on the floor where it was sitting! They ate holes in the first jumper I ever knitted too. Anyway…this is my long winded way of asking if you have any tips for getting rid of moths. I kind of want to avoid moth balls cause they’re horribly toxic and Myles is getting into everything. They seem to be everywhere though and spreading so fast. I’ve never seen anything like it. They swarm! They seem to prefer wool over cotton and silk at the moment but I figure it wont take them long. The thought of going through everything and discovering all the things they may or may not have eaten is a little depressing. Oh I don’t even like to think about my poor wool stash!

And I replied:

The moths sound terrible! The non-chemical ways I can think is to get everything you can find that is woolly, and put it in dark plastic garbage bags, and leave them in the sun for a week or so. Leave it outside in fact as the alternating cold and heat will kill them. Little things can go into the freezer though. It will take a week to kill them. Bin anything that has been obviously eaten though.

Then you'll need to use pyrethrin (hardware store - organic, derived from chrysanthamums) to clean the house of them. You can also get pyrethrin traps (pantry moth traps) to get them. Everything then needs to be stored in airtight containers.

Moths tend to go for wool that is not scrupulously clean, such as ugg boots. Anything that isn't eaten should be cleaned thoroughly - wool wash, dried in the sun, and then stored in airtight containers with cloves, lavender, camphor and/or eucalyptus (essential oil on a piece of cotton taped in the top of the container, or on wood beads done the same way, with bay leaves sprinkled through as well).

It's a HUGE pain in the bum to get rid of them. I had this happen to me in Sydney because my pantry was infested and they also got into my stash and my coats. But I'm really sensitive to chemicals so couldn't dry clean and exterminate with chemicals. But you will have to check your stash...

So what are your suggestions? Anything else I've missed?

More about me

2010-04-30T14:35:00.000+09:30

I asked for some questions from the audience just the other day!

so you already blog about studying midwifery... but i'd like to know how it came about... how did you choose midwifery?

and what's your favourite vegetable? :)

Katrine from My Feet Move Forwards asked the above. Um. I barely remember really :). That sound - is the gears in my brain grinding!

I wanted to be a midwife back in 1996 when I finished school, but back then it was a huge trek to finish - nursing, then 3 years experience, then another degree I seem to remember. So not something a 16 year old could commit to! So instead I did forensic and analytical chemistry, became a public servant, moved to Canberra, then Sydney, became a tax consultant, met to-be-TheHusband, got to a point in my career where I had to go back to do law to go any further, so moved back to Adelaide and changed careers into worker's compensation, hated that and quit/go fired, and suddenly had no plan B, so got a job in retail (which I love) and went back to school.

What drew me then was an interest in the most amazing process evah encapsulated in childbirth, a fascination with bodies and health, an assessment by a career counsellor that I'd be great in health care but not with sick people, and an interest in working with women and for women, who are not in a position of priviledge.

Favourite vegetable - that's a hard one. I would have to say pumpkin. I love pumpkin. In fact my afternoon involves a butternut pumpkin from last week's FoodConnect box. I love it roasted, and boiled, and sauteed, and in soups, curries and pasta dishes, with salt and pepper and butter or with cheese or with feta in filo or with vegetables in a soup, or so many other ways!

My favourite way at the moment is to cook pumpkin in a curry and it mushes down and thickens it a lot and gives it a great orange glow to it. Try it next time you make one! Pumpkin is so well suited to the flavours of curry - the nutmeg and cinnamon and chilli and garam masala and so on - and suits meat well as well.

FoodConnect box #2

2010-04-29T19:25:00.000+09:30

So a week has passed since the first FoodConnect box we had and I wanted to share how it went. As a recap, the box contained:

3 potatoes, 3 carrots, 1 zucchini, 1 leek, 1 corn, 1 bunch spinach (I think), 3 beetroots, 1 butternut pumpkin, 3 capsicum

and 4 apples, 1 pear, 1/2 a rockmelon, 2 oranges, 1 lime

and I made wild claims that this was not enough. We did buy more fruit but I have just spent the afternoon using up the last of the veges...

and still there's a leek to use. So really it was a good size box. We did inherit a large number of carrots, an extra zucchini and a tomato from my SIL's garden, so it's been a great week.

I made tonight:

carrot and pear chocolate chocchip muffins (a BIG batch so mini muffins, 12 big ones and a cake)
bolognese with lots of veges
zucchini slice
kangaroo pumpkin curry

There are two oranges and a lime to use yet as well. Not sure what to do with them.

Dishes that I've used things in over the past week:

apples were eaten
spinach in a bolognese from the freezer (was disappointed that part of the bunch was bruised and wilted)
rockmelon was eaten
carrots in muffins
potatoes roasted
zucchini in slice
corn with potatoes (om nom nom - it was DELICIOUS corn too!)
beetroot roasted too
pumpkin in a curry
capsicum in bolognese
pear in muffins
zest of lime in cream cheese icing

So this week's box looks like this:

and has in it:

celery
celery leaves
spinach
6 potatoes
2 onions
3 beetroots
2 carrots
leek
corn
5 apples
pear

My first impression is - I don't like celery, so that's gonna be a challenge. I'll let you know how it goes!

Ask me about me!

2010-04-27T11:29:00.000+09:30

Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don't blog about. Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post about it. Ask for anything: latest movie watched, last book read, political leanings, thoughts on alfalfa, favorite type of underwear, graphic techniques, etc.

Repost in your own journal so that we can all learn more about each other.

Ask me things! I love to talk about myself! Please indulge my vanity!

First FoodConnect box

2010-04-22T18:38:00.003+09:30

Looked like this:
And inside:

And more inside:

This is what we ended up with:which was 2 onions,
3 potatoes,
3 carrots,
1 zucchini,
1 leek,
1 corn,
1 bunch spinach (I think),
3 beetroots
1 butternut pumpkin
3 capsicum

and 4 apples,
1 pear
1/2 a rockmelon,
2 oranges
1 lime

and is entirely organic, and cost $30. To me that's pretty good value!

Menu plan: (I also find using Love Food Hate Waste is great for planning)
Thursday - dinner with an onion (already had the rest planned - TheHusband making pasta),

Friday - rockmelon at meet, dinner: roast potato and beetroot with something protein-y, spinach, corn

Saturday - zucchini slice for lunch

Sunday - apple pancakes, pumpkin in a curry

Monday - potato and leek soup, orange cake

Tuesday - pumpkin soup, lime fish dish

Wednesday - capsicum risotto

Thursday -

Ok so for 2 of us it's probably not enough. The fruit won't go very far for lunches for example. And vege wise we eat more than just 3 potatoes and 2 onions. So I'd suggest this was good for 1 person who cooked all the time or 2 who ate out more than we do, or didn't eat lunch at home / take it to work.

ETA: In fact, FoodConnect have put together a menu plan for the box that I just got!

5 week update for Sally

2010-04-19T14:46:00.000+09:30

So it's been a few weeks since Sally completely upended my world.

Some milestones to look at:

Child's Age	Mastered Skills (most kids can do)	Emerging Skills (half of kids can do)	Advanced Skills (a few kids can do)
1 month	• Lifts head when lying on tummy • Responds to sound • Stares at faces	• Follows objects briefly with eyes • Vocalizes: oohs and aahs • Can see black-and-white patterns	• Smiles, laughs • Holds head at 45-degree angle
2 months	• Vocalizes: gurgles and coos • Follows objects across field of vision • Notices his hands • Holds head up for short periods	• Smiles, laughs • Holds head at 45-degree angle • Makes smoother movements	• Holds head steady • Can bear weight on legs • Lifts head and shoulders when lying on tummy (mini-pushup)

She's a little bit prodigal as she can do most of these things - not so much on the smoother movements but most of the advanced stuff! I think it makes up for her petite size. But I did score some awesome nappies because they suit her:

Cushie Tushies had some nappies made a little too slim, so I picked some up for half price. Given that we plan on cloth-nappying for a very long time, it's a pretty good deal.

I was going to write about stuff - the "my world" part of that opening sentence, her progress so far, how breastfeeding is going, the hell of the first few weeks, what our routine is, and so on. But she's awake and hungry so off I go to fak. Feeding a kid, feeding at keyboard...

Post project let down

2010-04-18T14:20:00.002+09:30

It happens with weddings - post nuptial depression is a "real" illness, or at least a real situation that many brides find themselves in after the Big Day.

I have been thinking that in a lot of ways, there is something to be said for the postproject letdown that comes with getting to the end of a pregnancy, and getting through birth, and getting to the end of that first newborn phase. It's a time of changing definitions of myself, and of looking around and going "now what?". It's probably a lot of the reasons that there are challenges in redefining our marriage, living arrangements, personal space, image, routine, budget and so on.

How to address it? I'm not sure. I need to redefine myself and it's being done for me in a lot of ways which in itself is hard and really confronting. But in a relationship, a friend gave someone else the best bit of advice:

"Also, keep in mind there's always "post project" let down. You did this huge thing together and now you're sorta in maintenance (survival!) mode. Keep looking for the next "big project" you can do together. Stay focused on you and hub as the core of your family. It will be ok!"

So what other big project can we tackle together? So many things still have to happen - are still happening.

Cleaning out the garage that is rapidly becoming "a great Aussie shed";
Finalising my insurance claim - 3rd anniversary coming up soon;
Me finishing school;
TheHusband finishing his PhD;

and so on. But these aren't Big Projects. These are the day-to-day minutea that we all have to face. So dear readers - suggest me some Big Projects.

The handy husband

2010-04-17T19:34:00.002+09:30

TheHusband is awesomely handy and very keen to learn how to do new things. He recently hired a jackhammer and helped out Kate (Craftastrophies) with some cement.

This weekend just gone he took some MDF and some measurements and went to work / The House of Bun and built Sally some shelves:

and painted them a great orangey-pink colour and voila, not another piece of Ikea furniture!

10 reasons I just signed up for FoodConnectAdelaide (an SCA)

2010-04-14T11:23:00.002+09:30

I just signed our family up to Food Connect Adelaide, which is an CSA (community supported agriculture) enterprise. Here are 10 reasons I signed up for it:

I am tired of eating last year's apples, of cold storage oranges, and hydroponic carrots, all of which are tasteless.
I want to eat in season and to influence producers to give me what is in season.
Like Sally Mackinnon, I want my tomatoes to smell of scarlet.
I want to eat the heirloom varieties, the unusual, the rare, the threatened and endangered.
I want to eat in season to get more in tune with what the earth is best at producing in my area, rather than relying on other parts of the country.
I want to put more community into the food that I eat.
I want to be challenged to eat what is available, rather than being all arrogant and privileged about me dictating what is available. Or at least deluding myself into thinking that I have some influence.
I'm not that fabulous in the garden and this is a small step in that direction - to see what is in season and what I could plant and grow. I know beetroot works well, and silverbeet, for eg, and can branch out from there.
I want real food. Not so hung up on organic, but I want it with sunburn and blemishes and the occassional bug. I thing blemish-free fruit is actually kind of creepy, the scary-clown equivalent for food.
I want to pay a fair price to the farmers who provide me food.

FCA is still new so there aren't a lot of reviews. I'll try to remember to post pics! And review them on pick up.

I don't care that I'm an adult - it's a bouncy castle!!!

2010-04-13T10:42:00.001+09:30

Seriously - who the hell designed this as a "fun clown to decorate a bouncy castle"??

Really I have not much else to say. I had a lovely weekend - house stuff, hanging out with friends, going to the Indofest here in Adelaide to eat delicious Indonesian food. Funny how you can get a lot of your culture across solely from the food you eat. I had a delicious lamb curry soup with rice and thoroughly enjoyed it as well as the company of Alice and Chris and Jon and Cassia. I didn't catch up the Kate though which put a downer on the weekend but there's this week I guess!

1 month round up!

2010-04-12T09:58:00.004+09:30

Yup it's been a whole month since Sally joined and completely upended our world!

We have something of a routine. We get up about 7am, not willingly on my behalf, and TheHusband changes her while I wake up. Then we feed, both sides so a FULL breakfast, while I eat toast and tea made by TheHusband as he gets ready for work. We take him to work if it's miserable or cold, as he otherwise rides, and check the mail. Come home, Sally has a bath in the laundry trough if required, fresh clothes are applied, more boob and then into the sling for a sleep by 9am. I put washing on, tidy up the house, make the bed - which is WAY more domestic than I usually am! - and generally hang out.

Sally wakes up about midday. We feed again, change nappy, and then she hangs out on a mat while I shower and dress. More feeding, then settle by 1pm ish for another sleep. Awake at 3pm ish, more boob and changing, then a play until about 5pm. Then more boob, and sleep til 7pm. Wake up, boob, play and change nappy and we settle into bed by 9pm ish. Feed to sleep and wake up about 1am. Feed and resettle til 4am ish. Sleepy feeding and back to sleep til 7am.

Cosleeping is the best thing, especially when it was 7C last night and I didn't have to get out of bed to feed! It is so nice to have a bubba just cuddled up to me and safe, and so easy for her to feed, which keeps me awake, and then fall asleep there and me too.

I have a long list of things to do this month:

* Finish sorting Sally's clothes
* Dye the baby clothes I don't love - black, green/blue
* Buy quinoa, virgin coconut oil, steel cut oats - from Goodies and Grains
* Make biscuits
* Cut nails
* Target voucher $50
* New jeans
* Tattoo design - engagement/marriage, and Sally
* Organise wall decoration
* File last 2 boxes in sally's room
* Sort out pay
* Do a freezer audit
* Osk's birthday present
* Book car in for service
* Sort out mobile phone
* Sell maternity clothes
* Sort out life insurance
* Replace Osk's ring (damaged at work)
* Pick up portfolio from uni
* Find Studio Oat print and hang
* ING pin

Right now, time for some tea and baking I think!

What I see first thing in the morning...

2010-04-10T17:35:00.000+09:30

What I see first thing in the morning is… my family in our bed. My husband and my babe daughter. That's about as far as I can see without my glasses on!

The moment that changed me forever was… when I felt that first weight of my babe in my arms when I picked her up out of the water.

The most amazing thing I ever made was... the babe I am nursing at the moment.

My favourite book is… Bake by Woman's Weekly. Awesome history of cooking in Australia and great recipes.

I adore being… whole.

My perfect date would be… 8 hours of sleep.

As a blind date, I would be… overwhelming and amazing, but confident and sexy

When my style is in fashion, it will be… socks and skirts, and berets.

Yesterday I… hung out with my women friends and enjoyed being a mama.

Ads and campaigns and ignorance

2010-04-08T15:02:00.003+09:30

I have a baby. As far as I can tell, she is perfect. She is growing, is complete and whole, and apart from the usual baby challenges (oooh boy - like "Mama should not eat peanuts or else I have an entire day of unhappies") she is normal. Whatever that means.

And I am finding it hard in some ways. It's isolating to be a new mama. I am so lucky to have an awesome community that I can draw on when I'm having the need, and that I can give back to when others need support. It's expensive with me not working, obviously, but as we're breastfeeding and cloth nappying ongoing costs are minimal.

But what if she wasn't? I don't even want to contemplate what life would be like if she had special needs at this stage. From what I know - which is very little - it is a difficult and stupidly expensive situation to be in. And to make it worse, there sometimes just aren't any answers or services or support.

All Consuming wrote about this just the other day. That some days are hard because she wants everything for her son and that's hard, and other days are hard because she wants for something little and that's hard. That is just wrong and it makes me SO angry. And so aware of the priveledge I have in creating a babe that is perfect.

But amazingly, perhaps things are changing here. South Australia State Parliament has gotten its first disabled politician and nation's youngest parliamentarian and she is one of the few to hold the balance of power!

But of course, the article missed the point. We are all disabled in comparison to the perfection that no one can be, and THAT is why disability rights and services are so important! I doubt that Kelly Vincent is the first disabled politician to sit in those seats. Disability comes in lots of forms and yes, she is perhaps the most openly identifying as disabled politician out there but mental illness, injuries, etc all affect all of us and need to be acknowledged so it stops being an "us" and "them" situation.

10 things no one told me about labour

2010-04-08T11:45:00.003+09:30

This one is just about labour - not birth per se. But here we go!

It does get harder but by the time you need to focus on it being hard, you're there in the zone of labour and as long as no one points it out to you, it doesn't get Too Hard. You hardly notice that it is getting harder.
It doesn't just get harder. It changes. The hard bits pass. So if this moment is hard, doesn't mean the next one will be.
So it really helps to take 1 contraction at a time. And one breath at a time for that matter. Because you don't know what the next one will be like.
Being curious about the next one keeps you sane.
You may hit the point of saying "I can't do this any more". What you probably mean is that you don't want to do it any more. Which is a valid point! But you will keep going.
You will be amazed at what you can do in hindsight but at the time you won't believe that you're doing it. Go for hours without sleep. Make a lot of noise. Stand up for 12+ hours.
You will spend most of labour with your eyes closed so make what you can see when you open your eyes worth it. Inspirational words and poems, pictures, a candles, charms etc.
AND make your support people count. Only have people around who inspire love in you when you look at them.
You'll be down to monosyllabic conversations by the end of it, so make them count. "Water", "ice", "hot", "cold" etc etc. Your support people should know how to interpret these things and respond to you.
Your brain slows down so small conversations will take a few contractions. If that conversation is with yourself, you can take hours to make a decision. Which is great!

Barf

2010-03-24T19:38:00.003+10:30

Today has not been a great day. I took a multivitamin on an empty stomach. This is almost guaranteed to make me throw up. And I fought the nausea for a good two hours, while feeding and tending my sweet babe. Yurk.

Then we went out to work to sort out a few things and buy some screen doors for the retarded back glass ones we have. I don't think I've shared my frustration about these doors.

They are double doors.
They are recessed into a frame from the inside, but flush with the outside.
But - there are bricks on the outside frame. So you can't open them outwards more than about 120 degrees.
There is a good 5" drop down to the ground from the houes to the patio, so you have to have something tall and heavy to peg said doors back.
But because of the bricks, you can't open them all the way.
They open outwards, so there is no screen on the outside.
Which means we have no screen on the doors, and that is frustrating as all get up.
Oh and we have no screen on the front door, which means (a) we can't get a breeze through the house and (b) we have to open the door to see who's there. And they are practically inside the house before I open the door.

So the owner of our house got a quote (or 5) for doors on the back of the house. Drama drama drama. All of the companies said "Nope, too hard - we will charge you like a wounded bull to put something Ugleh in". And so the owner said it was too hard.

I went into work, found some DIY screen doors that were $38 instead of $200 (because they were taken out of stock in 2008 and we've been trying to get rid of them for 2 years!), bought 2 and am going to have a look at the instructions in a second. So we might have screen doors tonight!

So ANYWAY - I went to work and Sally was in the sling with Osk (here's a photo of a baby wearing dad. Not from today but a great pic all the same! He gets hit on something shocking with her in a sling!).

And still people were able to touch her enough to leave her STINKING of crap nasty aftershave. Which meant when I went to sniff her on coming home, she didn't smell like my baby and it gave me a migraine. Erk. I'd forgotten how sensitive I can be to things like that.

Why would I want to do that??

2010-03-23T16:42:00.002+10:30

Did I tell you about me changing my name on my license? I had to renew my license before my 30th birthday, for the second time for 10 years (that's something that made me feel old and grown up - renewing it for a 2nd time for 10 years means I'm Of a Certain Age!) and did it while heavily pregnant so used to being treated like a moron.

I took in my New Zealand marraige certificate, which is as valid as an Aussie one is (I checked!). The woman behind the counter took 20 minutes and 4 phonecalls, all being told the same thing, before she agreed with me and then told me "it's ok love" like this was news to me. I hated her quite a lot during that time because yes, I know it's valid. I've used it without issue to change my bank details and my university enrolment just fine thanks.

She then asked me if I wanted to change my name to Oscar (TheHusband's name). I was all o_O. Why would I want to do that?

She asked again and I was still huh?

She was all frustrated at why the hell was I wasting her time when I didn't want to change it to Oscar. I asked again - why would I want to do that??? And she said cause it's your husband's name! Like der??!

I had to point out that that was his first name and why would I want to be Mrs Emma Oscar. She was really pissed about having this pointed out. Apparently it's because on Aussie marriage certificates it goes groom's lastname firstname so she hadn't actually bothered to read what was on the certificate.

Luckily my photo on my license came out surprisingly well - I wouldn't have been surprised if it'd had little black eyebrows and a moustache on it!

Famous last words

2010-03-18T16:41:00.004+10:30

So my last post was Wednesday night... and Thursday morning at 2am I started to have contractions, and then by 7am on Friday I was a mama:

Sally (Salome for realz but Sally for short) Clio was born at 6:43am on 12 March 2010 into my hands in water. She was 7 lb 6.5 oz (3.36kg), had a 35cm head, and was 48cm long.

Short birth story: contractions started slowly at 2am Thurs, no idea when my waters broke, got more intense during day but ate breakfast and lunch so not too bad, and then contractions got closer together, midwife came about 8pm (I had said it would kick off at dusk and it did!), got in the pool at some point, started pushing about 3am, swore up and down to myself that she was going to be born by dawn and yep, 6:43am!

So doesn't even begin to cover it but that's the nuts and bolts. I'll get to writing a really detailed one soon.

10 things no one told me about pregnancy

2010-03-10T12:54:00.003+10:30

It's nearly the end of this journey so here are 10 things that I wish I'd been told about pregnancy. This is something I've been thinking of the whole journey long but inspired by the great article over here I am writing them down:

Things change during pregnancy - but no one ever tells you that they change back and forth and no one can tell you when or how. Just because something is bad or hard or great or easy now, doesn't mean that tomorrow won't be different. I was surprised that, for example, my abdominal muscles separated really early. They came back together after a few weeks though. Other things that changed included my breasts getting hard and sore and then going soft again, my feet swelled and have gone down, my skin GLOWED and then has gone back to being a sulky teenager, morning/all day nausea came and went and came back again, and so forth.
Your breasts really can grow a LOT in the first trimester so be prepared to buy new underwear quickly if not immediately. It's not just a little bit of change at that stage - it can be a lot. For me it was a band size as well as a cup sizes.
It's also that your body changes shape. Your ribs spread - that means your tshirts stop fitting across the back, well before your bump stretches them. Your jeans stop fitting because your hips are bigger, not just because you're belly is. Be prepared to embrace these changes because they are hard, in our culture, to embrace.
That you slow down at the end because of lots of things, mental and physical. Pregnancy is a great time for you to cultivate judgement about whether you want to do something badly enough to get up and do it even when you hurt and feel like arse, or whether you can ask someone else to do it.
It feels good to cry when you want to cry and this can be liberating.
The same applies to naps. There is no guilt about napping during pregnancy, when the chance presents.
No one who isn't pregnant or recently so really gets how much hard work it is, but don't disappear up your own arse with being consumed with how much work it is. I wish I'd taken this advice more.
People will only talk to you about being pregnant, regardless of what you do for a living or for a hobby or how interesting you are. You don't have to be ok with this but it does help you keep #7 in perspective.
Having someone dance on your cervix is like being stabbed with a knitting needle through it. Even if you've never had anything else near your cervix, when it happens you'll know what I mean. And you'll be dancing on your toes until it passes.
That sleepless nights do start before bub arrives. Insomnia, hormones, nausea, I'M WIDE AWAKE AT 4AM, can't get comfortable, etc etc.

Support for birthing at home

2010-03-05T19:35:00.003+10:30

I have a lot of people respond to our plans for me to birth at home with "Oh I couldn't do that because my husband/partner wouldn't support me / is scared / refuses / said no".

Ok so I get a lot of other responses too but this one is the topic of this post so I'll leave them for another day. And yes, your partner's opinion could have very little to do with your birth because it's yours and not his, but that's not always the be-all and end-all of the situation, is it? I'm a strong woman but if TheHusband was not onboard then I'd have a struggle on my hands because I need his support more than I need to be right. Doesn't mean I wouldn't argue every single day for the entire gestation of course.

So - let's say you have no desire to birth in a hospital but the realities of your relationship mean that your partner is not going to support you to do that.

REGARDLESS of the reason, valid or not, if you can't argue the point to a homebirth conclusion then here's some advice I wanted to pass on.

Even if you don't/can't stay home to birth - and your partner being completely against it, and either has a lot of anger, fear or reluctance - you need to make it clear that you will absolutely be staying home until the latest possible time. This could be until you are feeling pushy, or when contractions are very close together (2 minutely, established that way for a while)

I am not suggesting you trick him into a homebirth. But he has to be on board to support you labouring at home. He has to understand that going to hospital early will not get you a baby early. It will get you stuck on a short and artificial timeline, and get you a lot of intervention so if you absolutely can't birth at home, at least only turn up with a little while to go.

Birth is not a spectator sport and nor is it a two-person tagteam game - he can't birth for you. He can only support you in your journey. It is about you and your body and your future. Acquiescing to his preferences to go to hospital early on isn't going to help when it's your body and your experience and your future.

Perhaps get him to read birth stories where the husband/partner/father to mentioned - they are often described standing there stunned, crying, angry, upset, devestated, etc etc at the process and the outcome, and compare them to homebirths (stories, youtube, pics) where the husband is the woman's rock and is in the pool with her or rubbing her back or cheering her on with sweet words. Try to get him to understand how much impact this'll have on him too.

I am SO not saying that all hospital births are like this, or that homebirths are all awesome. This is advice for people birthing in hospitals as well. When you set foot inside those doors, your body and your labour and birth are theirs. You are on their turf and on their timeline. There is no way that someone without an idea of the process (your husband/partner for eg) can support you and advocate for you if you can't. That's what a midwife who does walk with women is your best asset - but in a hospital this is a lottery and there are sometimes few of them, or they are against a lot of pressure from the institution.

In preparation for birthing

2010-03-03T19:26:00.004+10:30

Here is a list of things that have been suggested to be assembled and easily found for birthing day:

- plastic drop sheets
- icecream tubs
- lip balm
- massage lotion
- bendy straws and plastic cups
- heat packs
- cord ties
- newborn clothes
- newborn nappies
- baby blanket
- birth certificate to fill in (made myself at home!)
- birthday cake recipe
- "0" candle
- tea lights and matches
- essential oils (I've chosen kunzea, lavender and rose)
- witch hazel to put on pads to put in freezer
- squeezy bottle for peeing afterwards
- electrolyte powder (cause I struggle with low blood sugar and pressure, and with vomitting at the best of times and this won't be!)
- fit ball (need to blow this up a bit more!)
- old towels next to bed in case of membranes rupturing
- colander and bowl for placenta
- garbage bags
- placental remedy bottle (need to decorate!)
- placental slice receiver for the freezer (ie a freezer-safe container!)
- epsom salts
- rescue remedies
- music (thanks for the suggestions! We do have a playlist but I forgot to put it on here)

Also plan on stocking up in early labour with juice, mint leaves (lollies - no point in trying to have them now because I loves them!), and charging the camera up.

Any other suggestions?

My blessingway - 37+3 weeks

2010-03-02T14:18:00.002+10:30

Saturday just gone: I am a LOT pooplicated after a 4:30am wake up and a BIG day and LOTS of amazing things and then giving a concert then pancakes and home to bed by midnight.

My sister arrived early in the morning and helped me wind the skein of yarn that a girlfriend had dyed for me and sent over from Canberra. It was lovely to have my sister sit there with her hands out, holding the yarn, while we chattered and wound. People started arriving at 10am and by 11am there were about 20 women there including TheHusband.

It was a little unusual in that TheHusband was a part of it (most blessingways are female-only), but I am so glad that he did. It was a really special time for us and to have him also say "you are strong" meant a lot to me.

We cleansed the circle with some water with rose, lavender and kunzea essential oils, passed around and everyone flicked their fingers in and flicked water around. Kristin lit the blessingway candle (big chunky white one that belongs to the women's group I'm part of) and added it to the collection of candles that were there for people to take home later, and invited people to introduce themselves.

It was lovely that I got to add to that process and also reflect on the fact that I've known most of the women's group only a short while but these were some of my longest-serving friends ;). There were chorister friends who are now women's group friends, and midwife friends who are now women's group friends, and lots of choristers and women's group friends but enough cross-pollination to show me that I am in the righ place(s) in my life!

Then Kristin invited people to share thoughts and stories and experiences of birth. This was when the amazing women I call friends really shone through. Billie reduced a lot of us to tears with a poem (again! She's going to have a reputation for that!!!), and others spoke on their experiences, some very recent (Rose had her 3 week old with her) and some a little ways older (Emma had her 5 month old with her), and reminded me that I need to continue to trust the process and also surrender to it.

To hear people say that they thought I had courage, and was true and unwavering to my path, made me laugh a little. I am sure that my outspoken confidence shines through but at times I have my doubts as people reading here will have seen. I have gone forward on this path towards a homebirth, confident that my body is amazing and can do what it will, and the idea of giving birth actually excites and scares me all in one but mostly I am looking forward to seeing how amazingly well my body works. It has made me consider though that this confidence perhaps appears as arrogance, and I think I heard some people warning me of that in their stories - to be prepared to surrender to a path that is not the one I expect. I take their gentle reminders to heart though!

Then the circle was closed and blessed with yarn that I'd wound that morning, and cut and tied around each person's arm to wear until I birth. The candle was blown out and the blessing complete.

People were invited to hand over a bead to me with a chat, and I ended up with a lot of beads!!! Alice, Cassia and Ali set to work making a necklace for me which is surprisingly heavy and very lovely and balanced.

Billie then took me outside under a gazebo we have set up and took some photos of me - clad, unclad, draped in fabric and without my glasses! Then Kristin set to work on an AMAZING henna tree on my bump which made me so happy, and people took to the calico squares that I'd prepared and wrote blessings and thoughts on them for me to read during labour. I very sadly had to wash/scrub the henna off early for tonight as I had to wear a white shirt for the concert tonight, so I'm not sure how long it'll last.

Once the henna was done, people started to leave and took a candle and a crane with them. The cranes I'd made for the cupcakes that Billy had made (lavender/vanilla, and chocolate/chocolate ones) as I hadn't wanted to ask for 20+ vaginas to decorate them, and everyone took one home after eating their cake I hope! Billy and I went back outside for a few more photos, and this time Osk came out as well and we have some lovely couple ones as well.

My sister and Alice then tidied up, swept, packed the extra food into the freezer and let me nap a little. Then off for a concert and post-concert celebration and of course leaving me too tired not to snore, so Osk slept on the couch for the first time last night :(.

The back room is abuzz with energy from yesterday and I can see it becoming a birthing space now, not just somewhere we eat dinner.

I feel ready to birth now.

More photos care of Craftastrophies over on Flickr.

Table decorated!

2010-03-01T13:04:00.002+10:30

Way too long ago to be 'fessing up here (it's more than 6 months) I commissioned my friend Eve from Atom and Eve to make some decals for a weird table I got in an op shop a couple of years ago.

It was white formica and I painted it purple originally and while it was an AWESOME colour, a paint mishap (crap formulation - product recalled after I'd painted of course!) meant the finish was less than awesome.

So I discussed with Eve how to make some octagons to suit the table. She was easy to work with and had some great ideas. I went with turquiose and wood grain and they arrived pre packaged for me, numbered and everything!

All I had to do was take the backing off and apply. Some of them needed trimming to fit of course!

And in the end it looks awesome! I bought a piece of 0.4mm plastic to cover it as well, as the paint is a bit rough still

Boy or girl

2010-02-24T12:22:00.004+10:30

Some people are ADAMANT that they know what we're having! So here's a list for bragging rights:

BOY:
Parry
Yvonne
A million random people

Girl:
Sarah
Amie

Here are some words that we want for our child for the future. We consciously conceived this baby and we want to consciously parent as well - so the first part of that was to work out what that meant!

Happy
Thriving
Cherished
Loved
Time
Play
Learn
Talk
Love
Hope
Learn
Sleep
Eat
Walk
Run
Swim
Free
Best
Fair

I then want to use Wordle to make some word clouds - I may have to cheat to get the effect that I want though, by repeatedly saying Puggle's name (or I could just put Puggle Puggle Puggle Puggle Puggle Puggle Puggle Puggle Puggle Puggle Puggle!). We want this colour too: #80F6C3

Might have to go and paint some with that colour now!

Things to do this week

2010-02-23T15:09:00.000+10:30

~~Post letter and receipt to landlord~~
Make apple pie
~~Buy yeast~~
Make bread
Register for Easterfest
Fold up gazebo
Put away pool
Fold clothes
Shave legs
Paint toe nails
Print stuff out
File
Craft declutter
Call Centrelink
~~Update FB train details~~
~~Email committee with newspaper details~~
Burn dvd of big love
Pick up portfolio
See Rachele
See KT
See Lucy

Destitute gourmet - not quite

2010-02-22T09:59:00.003+10:30

I've been looking at destitute gourmet, as I've got a lot more time on my hands at the moment to cook and think about food and shopping. Plus I'm on annual leave at the moment, and will then be on maternity leave and then on Centrestink payments (ah - must call them to work out how much that might in fact be). So $$ is a little more steady but also a little tighter, and TheHusband and I need to get over our 20s mindset of "yummo food!" and more into "can't be bothered going out - what's to eat here?".

I've spoken earlier about default shopping and destitute gourmet sort of steps that out further. She recommends that you look at basic pantry essentials and then indulgences.

So building on her list, our basics would be something like:

Fresh fruit and veg – onions, potatoes, sweet potatoes, carrots, garlic, apples, bananas, whatever is cheap and in season*
Staples – plain flour, vegetable oil, olive oil, brown sugar, white sugar, eggs, milk, butter, butter-like spread, baking powder, salt, cheese, white rice, brown rice, pasta, pulses, dried beans
Baking stuff – coconut, vanilla, sultanas, cocoa, yeast (MUST BUY YEAST!)
Spreads – peanut butter, honey, jam, vegemite, promite
Cereals – Weetbix, muesli, rolled oats, steel cut oats
Canned food – tinned tomatoes, pasata, kidney beans, white beans, tuna, peaches, mango, apricot
Sauces – tomato sauce, sweet chilli sauce, soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce, kecap manis
Seasonings – all of them!
Frozen food – peas, corn, beans, spinach, pastry sheets, berries
Meat – mince, chunks of kangaroo and beef, boneless chicken breast, bacon bits
Cleaning products
Toiletries
Pet supplies

Which is not the most exciting list of course but it's not supposed to be. I could cook for approximately 2 months out of our pantry alone, as we have lots of carbohydrate staples (polenta, cous cous, flour, pasta, rice) and lots of proteins. In fact, the staples above are similar to that post though cream isn't.

Her 2nd piece of advice is to eat healthily, and eat in season. I had a craving for chocolate the other day (probably the first time in my life I've ever NEEDED chocolate!) and there was none in the house. Nada. No sweets either. It was horrible when I'm 36 weeks pregnant and so not wanting to walk in 41C heat to the servo to get some chocolate. So I settled for a hot cocoa instead. The only thing we deep fry is papadums when we have a curry. We don't over eat because the yummy things we make are leftovers destined for lunch the next day. We eat a lot of what is in season because it's cheaper, and if it's not in season or is quickly perishable we buy it frozen - such as spinach now that our silverbeet is done, and berries.

*Food that's in season in Australia

Our plan once Puggles arrives is to go to the Farmer's Market here in Adelaide each Sunday, and shop locally and in season. We'd like to eat to the 100 mile diet but it's a little harder to apply without effort, and the time to do it. The Farmer's Market is kind of this by default as it's local produce and in season produce. We do shop at the Central Markets here in Adelaide as well but being pregnant has put me in a bit of a mind set of "too much effort", and a small amount of trauma as I hate people touching me or bumping me and a busy market - not the best place for that.

Thirdly - and this is the one I like - is to know what to do with leftovers. My favourite ideas:

soup
wrap in puff pastry and bake
refry with noodles
bubble and squeak
calzone-type dish

She has a great page on freezing things and I'm borrowing this list for future reference:

Fruits can be stored for 12 months,
Vegetables 6-12 months.
Roasts and whole poultry 6 - 12 months
Steaks and chops 4-6 months
Minced or ground meats or stewing meats 3-4 months
Cured and processed meats lose quality more rapidly than fresh meats because of the presence of salts so don’t store luncheon meats, franks, ham or sausage longer than 1 or 2 months. Thaw frozen meats in the fridge, thawing at room temperature gives surface bacteria a better chance to multiply.
Baked yeast bread, scones and rolls are best used within 3 months. Unbaked yeast bread dough within one month or less – Unbaked doughs may require more yeast than usual as freezing will damage some yeast cells.
Un-iced cakes also freeze well, but storage times vary. Store angel food, chiffon or sponge cake 2 months. Store cheesecake 2 to 3 months, chocolate 4 months, and fruit cake up to 12 months.
Nuts also freeze well; salted nuts from 6 to 8 months and unsalted from 9 to 12 months.

Her advice about having a whiteboard with an inventory - has been applied here and it is working well! We have for example a large amount of mince, but only one lot of chicken. I've also taken to sticking ads for butchers on there for reference for when we do the meat shopping. We have 3 bulk butchers around here - the gourmet butcher on Magill Road, Austral Meats on Main North Road and also the Gawler River Cattle Company. Lucky us!