11 things to update you on for Sally!

Cause she was 11 months old on the weekend before last.

Valentine's Day last year was my last day at work before I had a baby.

She is the most amazing, delightful and beautiful thing I have ever had the pleasure of. Even when things are tough, I know that things will be easy very soon afterwards.

1. She now eats food. Last month, she would play with it, taste it, and drop it. Now she eats. Which is FUN and GREAT but now I have to think of what to feed her.
2. She can pull herself up on low things - footstool, couch edge, mama's pants. Doesn't do much from there, and panics a bit once she's up as she can't work out how to get down, but she can do it. She does stand momentarily then collapses, so doesn't do it much but I think she'll just start walking one day soon, as she does like to walk holding our hands. 
3. She has crawling down pat and is very amusing to watch. She gets a boost on when she wants to get to something moveable (cat) or something she's not supposed to have (cat food). 
4. She waves goodbye and hello, catches people's eyes to chat to them, says "dat" and points, will follow direction (Chase papa! Where's mama?), loves banging things together or shaking them to make NOISE/music, and just last week learnt a whole new suite of syllables. 
5. She has started to suck on a dummy, or on her thumb, but not for comfort - just for sucking on something. She sucks all the way on the lower edge of her thumb though, breastfeeding style, which is quite interesting, with lips flanged and K shaped. 
6. She loves putting things into containers, understands no and ahuh and yes, nods and shakes her head, and gets an evil glint in her eye sometime when she's up to mischief. She also likes to crawl with whatever she was playing with, in her mouth, so when she stops it's there too. Object permanence?
7. She loves swimming in the ocean and the pool - a real water baby.
8. She has great pitch! She can aaaahhhhhh a note and hold it while mama finds a harmony and papa does too. It's rather creepy!
9. She has also worked out how to blow bubbles in her spit, with the same aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh. G...R....OSS.
10. She loves music, creating music, a good beat to boogie to, and any musical instrument. It's so lovely to watch her hunt down those toys at childcare.
11. She has broken the 9kg mark now, and is tall for her age, and has mama's arms - the longer-than-usual ones. Sigh. That's going to make winter top shopping a challenge.

The inside story on childcare

Sally's been going to childcare 1-2 days a week for a few weeks now. And I thought I'd post the "why" and "whatfor" of what it means for me. Not in a defensive way either - this is, surprisingly enough, not a rant at anyone for a change. Maybe motherhood has tempered me.

Bwahahahaha. Hardly.

So yesterday she was at childcare as well but I spent the day running around doing errands. Hardly a pleasant day to be honest, or maybe it was a pleasant day but not enough to outweigh not having my babe around. We got up early, which meant Sally didn't get her extra hour's "night" sleep after motoring around for an hour. We showered together, then I dropped her at childcare, collected a lens that's on loan to me for a birth, had a remedial massage, had lunch at the markets to celerbate Chinese New Year with some girlfriends and their childers, went to Lincraft and picked Sally up. It was hot and humid! and then I had to go to work. Somewhere in there I also went to Target to collect a layby and buy new shorts as well. Way easier without a small to get in and out of the car, and carry around, and feed, change and entertain, no doubt about it. But it is also not my life at the moment.

Today however, we woke up, had a play, motored around, then Sally went down for a nap while I sorted out 5 baskets of washing. It is my pet HATE of housework - folding washing. Sally was up after an hour, we showered and packed up and I took her to childcare a little later than usual. A phonecall interrupted the drive but I spoke to my husband, who I didn't even see awake yesterday. Childcare dropoff was fine and I had a lovely chat with one of her carers. I walked out into the humid! weather and went home.

I'm now watching Secret Diary of a Call Girl, drinking hot tea and eating a biscuit. I am also blogging which I don't get to do much with a small at my feet. I have plans to have a coffee date with my husband this afternoon before we collect Sally from childcare. I know she's safe and happy there for a few hours today and this morning was a good connection so she is extra happy. I am doing what I want without interruption.

That's what mother's work is. Interruption. I can't do anything without interruption. Most of the time that is fine but uninterrupted sleep, hobby'ing, cleaning that cupboard that was grotty but I haven't had a chance to wipe over, painting my toenails - that's what I miss about the BC era (before childerbeast). Most of the time I can be piqued about it momentarily and then get on with the job, as anyone would. But when I'm stressed about Life, it helps to know that I can recharge the batteries just a little.

And if that's what childcare is to me - a chance to recharge - then I'm paying for the privilege anyways. I don't have parentals closeby to help out. I don't have friends who I can leave Sally with "just" so I can recharge. And until you've been a parent you don't, won't understand what it is to be empty and need a recharge. Needs some self-nurturing. Needs to just do. my. own. THING! for a few minutes, and stop when I want to, not to tend to a boo or feed a mouth or water a babe or do anything. Or do something because I want to. To recharge and nurture myself.

Who nurtures the nurturer if not... well, whom? Who helps me when I'm dealing with my own demons and angsts, and stresses and abrasions on my soul and I have to give so much to someone else. The days or weeks when I have stuff to deal with (alas, another post) I feel myself short with Sally. Cranky when she won't co-operate with my ridiculous and unfair expectations, like going to sleep. Upset that I can't be, do more for her. Upset at what I am and do for her already maybe not being enough.

And with that, I'm going to reclaim my kitchen, and clean that cupboard that's been annoying me.

10 things I wish I had known 8 weeks ago

Sally is nearly 8 weeks old! She weighs slightly more than 4kg now which is pretty awesome - firmly on the 15th percentile and cute as a button.

Here are 10 things that I wish I'd known 8 weeks ago though. Or even 12 weeks ago when I was still working. Consider it my assvice to first time mamas:

1. Keep working if you need to, and muster a "fuck off" face for anyone who exclaims at you still working. You won't be working still (at 32 weeks, or 38 weeks, or up til the day you go into labour) if you didn't financially need to and sadly money does influence how much women work during pregnancy.If you've made a decision, own it.
2. If you don't need to, then stop as soon as you can. I regret continuing on to 36 and a half weeks to be honest, because the last 2 I was so miserable and sore and wanting to just focus on my bellybabe that I suffered each freaking hour. I also birthed at 39 weeks so didn't get the time I thought I would. But see point #1 cause that was the boat I was in.
3. Cut back on everything else. Send your partner or your apologies to things without you. Become a hermit in any way that you can, if you can't disengage from work and study and other commitments.
4. It's a good learning phase for what it's like to have a newborn to be honest, and now is the time to practice it and make peace with the guilt or upset you'll feel at not participating. But the mental benefits of it are huge and it's easier to learn it that way, instead of when you do something, exhaust yourself, get upset (lack of sleep is the BIGGEST dictator of how I cope at the moment) and then take 2 days to get over it.
5. NOTHING is going to prepare you for having a babe. NOTHING. It is so mindblowing and all-consuming and just insane, in a terribly soft and lovely way as bluemilk has said. Sure the practicalities of it are learnable, the what to dress them in and how to respond to cues and how to tie a wrap. But the head stuff? Nup. NOTHING is going to get you through, around or prepared for that. But you can prepare yourself for *that* element of it.
   
6. Know that you are going to have no idea of how you're going to feel and that you'll need people to call and cry to (midwife, friends, other mothers) because I think a lot of mothers will know what you mean and can tell you that it's normal.
7. Be physically prepared. Have meals in your freezer, in small serves. Have extra baskets around the house with water bottle, nappies, nipple cream, tissues, book, lipbalm etc. Get lots of pads ready. Put dark sheets on your bed. Wash everything. Get some singlets and trackpants and socks and undies and slippers ready. Get a haircut and lots of convenience things that you might not normally get (face wipes, favourite toothpaste, nice soap).
8. Do some work on your relationship beforehand and get some idea of each other's expectations.
   
9. Get your partner to read Birth Partner.
   
10. And step away from the computer!! Step away from research and planning and trying to be prepared for this. Embrace that you can't plan or write lists or pack anything that will prepare for all of this. And be ok with this.
    

Know that first time mother hood is coming and it is something that you cannot plan for, and cannot touch and cannot fathom as yet. And you will be so amazed at how much Love you have yet to hold in yourself. You have so much strength and care and warmth and inate knowledge that you will be fine for the future. Really you will be. You're going to doubt that and revel in it and thoroughly love your babe and that can't be found on google or a forum or in a book.

You just need to get through the last few weeks leaning on the inner mama lion that you have. That's also what she's there for - not just to roar when your babe is here.

Lastly - the shit that I have with my relationship with my mother didn't come out during labour. I didn't stop labouring because of any issues I have. But I did get to a point where I acknowledged that I was terrified of being a mother because of what my mother was/is like. It's at the end of my birth story (yeah must post that), a few minutes before I birthed, where I went through a moment of doubt right before I did it and it caught me by surprise. I guess that really did mean I was 99% ok and processed.

Go for a walk, swim, massage, cup of tea and paper, whatever it is that you need to recharge your batteries. And take every day one at a time. Also good practice for labour and each contraction.