On night shift and life

Night shift is kind of hard to describe. Unless you've worked in an industry that does night shifts of some flavour, you don't really know what it's like. So let me explain:

On Monday, I took the day pretty easy. I had Sally in childcare that afternoon and had an hour-long nap. When she got home, I had another hour-long nap with her. Then dinner late (7pm instead of the usual 6pm), changed and dressed with a coffee by 8:30pm for a 9pm start.

I have to take another meal to eat overnight. I tend to get a break around midnight, and express at that point as well, then another break around 3am. I eat an extra meal at midnight (what do you call that? It's not supper to me, but it's between dinner and breakfast so I don't know?) with a coffee as well. Then another snack at 3am, with a tea or something sweet. By this stage I've been awake going on 24 hours with only 2 hours of naps in there, and I'm using anything I can to stay focused and alert.

It's a strange time, those hours past about 11pm til about 6am. I don't usually feel tired per se, but am obviously fatigued. I have to focus on drinking water and not focusing on the clock too much. Time goes strangely without reminders of what time it is.

So 6am ish comes around and I'm sent home as there's not much else going on. I get home and eat breakfast. Then feed Sally and TheHusband takes her to a friend's house who then drops her to childcare for me to pick her up in the afternoon.

Have I mentioned how much I love my friends?

Then I wash my face and brush my teeth and go to bed by about 6:30am. Today I slept til 1pm with only a brief up/loo/drink moment. So only 4.5 hours of sleep. But as today is my "day off", which I use very loosely as it's really a sleep day after a night shift, not a day that I can do much in, I don't want to be anything other than tired because otherwise I won't sleep tonight and will be messed up for the next few days.

So that gives a small thumb sketch of how a night shift goes. If it's more than one in a row obviously, I would be napping and preparing mentally for another night. Night shifts are fine in short bursts and the HUGE fabulous point of this is that this is the LAST ONE that I have to do until October.

And no, I don't know what I'm doing next year and whether I'll have to do more of these. So many options, so many variables, so much but so little time as well.

Anyone else tired of being frugal?

Is anyone else out there tired of being frugal?

It's like the unspoken elephant in the room sometimes when I'm talking to other frugal-types. Not just the pissing contest type conversations about who's more frugal, but the genuine frustrations of needing to do x and only having y options because of frugality, poverty, or ambition.

This thought started when I got sick of our toilet paper. It's not the cheapest, but I thought it was a good compromise between tissue-paper thin and the uber expensive, while also being a little bit green. But one time too many of having to ration the paper so that I got enough coverage without taking 2m of the stuff made me realise that I wish I didn't have to make these decisions. That I sometimes wish money wasn't an issue.

I am happy to buy a greener product.
I'm happy to buy a larger pack at a lower unit cost, or a different brand to see if there's a cheaper alternative.
Or even, a more expensive brand that is something else I value - locally made, or without x or y.

But what I'm tired of is the penny-pinching just to get by. We're not destitute or poor but going on 5 years of student-ship means we're close to the bone while still achieving some savings goals. And that means making the tough decisions about toilet paper.

Ok woe is me - first world privilege, I has it. I am able to make these decisions. I am able to choose what toilet paper I buy, and opt for one over the other so that money flows elsewhere in our budget.

But in the meantime, I will enjoy the trappings of my life and ponder whether this is why some people go off the rails. Whether we all need a little "thing" in our frugality that means we don't go crazy. For me it's dried spices. I buy them, and I use them generously. Others might scrimp on what they use, how much they use, when they use it or don't use it or what they cook. I also buy and use nice tea and collect tea things (pots and cups).

I do know though that this kind of stress can turn into something more than toilet paper. And living on our budget at the moment means that when I start working professionally we'll be well set to save and prosper. And that these habits are those that self-made rich people use to get the most out of each dollar.

But sometimes, I wish for nice loo paper.

Infrequent blogger is infrequent...

I am still alive and here. I'm on placement at the moment.

I have 3 weeks 7 days left of this placement.
Then 2 weeks more of placement, in about 6 weeks' time.
Then a week or so off, then another week of placement.

Then an exam.

Then a hand up of my portfolio.

And I'm done for this semester. Totally achievable.

And then next semester is 6 weeks of placement, 2 assignments and a portfolio hand up and it's done all together.

Then... what? Aiiiiieeeeeeee I don't know. So many options.

Graduate position - needs to be 0.8-fulltime which is 31-38 hours a week. I cringe to think of whether I can do that. Though the money would be good.
Maybe find a position somewhere at a lower load? Private hospital? Agency?
Take on 1 private client a month and see what happens there? Do it part time until Sally is a lot older?

Or the temptation is there to never ever practice midwifery and instead start up a business to sell gender-neutral baby and toddler clothes.
Or take up photography instead.
Or move to New Zealand.

It depends a bit on what happens when my court case resolves in a few weeks time. A friend mentioned the other day that she just had to help me through til May and I drew a blank of what I needed help with. After all, my exam isn't until July and my placements won't be over until late June... oh right, that court case.

Another huge unknown is what will happen with that. It's impossible to make plans without knowing whether it will resolve in my favour (highly likely), how big a settlement it'll be (no idea) and then what we can do with it. Can we buy a house? Do we buy a house? Where do buy a house? A fixer-upper? Something off the plan? Something that's rented and not move in?

Yeah. Lots of stress and unknown. I'm just trying to concentrate on one week at a time, one shift at a time. It's not easy but right now I have to concentrate on the path my feet are on, and ignore the maelstrom of eddies of fate and decisions that are out of my hands.

10 things that I can't plan my way out of just yet.

You all know just how much I detest not being able to plan? That "hurry up and wait" is the MOST irritating and distressing situation for me to be in? Well here are 10 things that I absolutely CANNOT plan for, around, up to or through, but will define 2011 for me:

1. Resolution of my motor vehicle accident?
2. Which will start with a phonecall tomorrow to my lawyer,
3. And another appointment with him and my other lawyer,
4. And then a court case in late February.
   
   This was care of a surprise letter last week detailing my court date. I was expecting it to all drag on into 2012 and instead it might be all summed up and dealt with by the end of February. Cue a whole lot of tears, a lot of stress and anxiety, and lots of "what if"s. 
   
5. Placement for school - details up on 18th of January
6. Freakout in the meantime because I went ahead and booked attendance at some truly awesome workshops and a conference but if school is horrible and insists that I am on placement that week, I'm lots of $$ out of pocket and really upset .
7. Choosing of placements in early February
8. Don't know when I actually find out about them
9. Sally to a maxilofacial surgeon on 24th of January
   
   Ah I haven't told you about those dramas and her suspecte posterior tongue tie. I'll post later.
   
10. I have to start thinking about next year and applying for jobs, sometime soon (surprisingly soon in fact)

So I asked a friend to cast a rune for me and this is what she said:

I drew the blank rune for you~The Unknowable~The God Odin.

Blank is the end, blank is the beginning. This is the rune of total trust and should be taken as exciting evidence of your most immediate contact with your own true destiny which, time and time again, rises like the phoenix from the ashes of what we call fate.

The blank rune can portend a death. But that death is usually symbolic, and may relate to any part of your life you are living now. Relinquishing control is the ultimate challenge for the spiritual warrior.

Here the unknowable informs you that it is in motion in your life. In that blankness is held undiluted potential. At the same time both pregnant and empty, it comprehends the totality of being, all that is to be actualized. And if, indeed, there are matters hidden by the gods, you need only remember: what beckons the creative power of the unknown.

Drawing the blank rune may bring to the surface your deepest fears. Will I fail? Will I be abandoned? Will it all be taken away? And yet your highest good, your truest possibilities and all your fertile dreams are held within that blankness.

Willingness and permitting are what this rune requires, for how can you exercise control over what is not yet in form?

The blank rune often calls for no less an act of courage than the empty handed leap into the void. Drawing it is a direct test of faith.

The blank rune represents the path of Karma, the sum total of your actions and of their consequences. At the same time, this rune teaches that the very debts of old karma shift and evolve as you shift and evolve. Nothing is predestined: the obstacles on your path can become gateways that lead to new beginnings.

Take heart: know that the work of self change is progressing in your life.

So I consulted my horoscope for the year:

While no sign benefits more from the unsettling yet exciting changes trigger by the encounter between Jupiter and Uranus in Pisces on January 4, you won't necessarily recognise their potential. In fact, because this is the case with most developments, especially during the year's first half, you're urged to explore everything, even what seems unrealistic. Not only will circumstances be shifting, an often, with your ruler Neptune in Pisces from early April until August, you'll be conducting an extensive personal review.

Consequently, what you regarded as ideal as the year began could be very different by its close. Knowing that, ignore those who insist on a detailed plan. Instead, combine a review of long-cherished dreams with serious reflection on what, and who, make you glad to be alive, an allow those to shape your activities. Ther could be no better approach to 2011.

And then decided to have a drink.

Progress from my last post - and more on school this year

My last post said I had 10 things to do. I've done 1, 3, 7 and need to work had to do 4 today and 5 tomorrow. 10 is being done on Sunday.

I had a look at school this year and of course I have workshops 2nd, 9th, 16th and 22nd of March which is around the time of me birthing. I also have a class 26/04, 05/05 and 11/05 as well as placements. *sigh* I don't know how I'm going to manage this with a newborn or even if I should. I'm hoping I can study externally and get enough out of it to make it worthwile and do adequately to move on to my last subject. But just a teeny tiny bit of regret at the less than fabulous timing of all of this creeps in. Why did I choose the path a bit more difficult than waiting until this year to conceive? Well at the time it was the overwhelming NEED to do so and the feeling of not POSSIBLY wanting to wait another year and I acknowledged that and we embraced it. But yeesh - now the idea of juggling this as well as my final year at school? Just a little bit confronting.

Reflections on the exam of doom

I only sat one exam this year as the other one I "took ill" in - I ran out of the exam to throw up and spent 3 days feeling very ill afterwards. This was for the subject that I've had to repeat because of my motor vehicle accident in 2007, and so it's effectively taken me 3 tries to sit.

Anyway, there were 13 questions. Of those, I barely had time to write (and certainly not neatly) everything that I wanted to, so chased the marks that were there and moved on.

But there were several questions that reminded me of why care providers are often lambasted as "scare providers". There were a couple of questions about:

- breech presentation
- being "over due"
- induction
- posterior babies

and usually the question was structured around "what is the definition of this / types of this" and then "what are the care options".

Now these questions are really important to ask and discuss and to know your stuff. But - they also put the frame around looking at these problems from a really frightened, defensive point of view.

Let's take breech for eg. The options for care and birth in my opinion are:
- do what you want/can to turn babe (moxibustion, acupuncture, rebozo, visualisation, chiropractic work, external cephalic version)
- find an attendant who is confident with attending you and embrace your breech babe

and if you can't:
- book a c-section for when you go into labour (contradiction in terms of course)

But if you're anywhere near a hospital for care for your pregnancy, the options would be:
- see an obstetrician
- have multiple scans
- have your otherwise lovely normal pregnancy pathologised
- book a c-section for immediate action before you go into labour
- panic, stress and worry

So you can see what my choice was for answering this question in the exam - chase the marks or being a hippy wingnut who isn't afraid of something not strictly in the "norm". And also you can see that student midwives are indoctrinated from such an early stage to be afraid of breech birth. And OP babies. And "post dates" which is so irritating as on one hand we're told that pregnancy goes to 42 complete weeks before being "overdue" and yet we as midwives are taught to get hysterical and Take Action at 40 weeks.

Go read The Lie of the EDD: Why Your Due Date Isn't when You Think to see more.

Almost to the end

I had plans for Friday morning but instead ended up making sweet sweet love to my LAST ASSIGNMENT FOR THE YEAR and then went to my LAST SHIFT FOR THE YEAR at a hospital and shared an amazing empowering birth with a woman whose previous birth was traumatic and this one was amazing (her words, not my judgement).

I now only have 18 units of my degree to go (oh and two exams and a portfolio but *meh*). I am struggling a bit to just. keep. going when I want to be focused on work and nesting and being pregnant. I have two solid subjects next year to get through, including big placements

Today is a delicious day off. TheMan has gone to the gym to do a double class - RPM then pump. He is bringing coffee home for us though.

Then we need to tidy the house. It is clean, just not tidy. It's the effect of spending 6 months doing 99% of things and discovering that at the end of 6 months, that means there is stuff and things around the house waiting to be put away.

The study is slowly turning into Puggle's Room. I refuse to call it a nursery as I don't plan on nursing in there, and s/he won't be in there by themselves for ages. I will take some photos shortly to show!

The shopping list is shrinking:

Need:

• Nursing and maternity clothes for moi
• Reusable cloth pads for moi (12 x Regular and 6 large)
• Mattress protectors x 2 (for our bed)
• Sheet set x 2 (extra for our bed)
• Nightlight (actually yes I want a touch lamp for beside the bed and these are hard to find!)
• Lambskin baby rug
• Singlet suits x 10
• Knitted hats x5 (have new book for these! Now to buy some yarn to make them with :)
• Baby wipes (both disposable and washable)
• Nappy bucket(s)
• Thermometer
• Steriliser (bottle/pump) (want a microwaveable one)

For later:

• Storage containers for milk/food
• Training cups
• Bowls, plates, utensils
• Teethers/teether toys
• Teething gel / Razberry
• Non-slip bath stickers
• Safety gate
• Powerpoint plug guards
• Cupboard & appliance latches
• Potty
• Toilet training seat

And a few big things that we want:

• Chest freezer
• New car (we have a 3 door hatch at the moment and are going to have to upgrade to a 5 door at some point soon)

Insert witty subject line here

I slept for 12 hours last night. I was done done done at 8pm so I went to bed. I woke up at midnight and had a snack and a read for an hour, then Osk got home and I went back to sleep. And woke up at 8am. I am now drinking a coffee while watching the men at the building site behind our house pour cement from a cement mixer into another truck, which then has a LONG hose that goes up up up and then down down down so they can put it in the right spot.

I can see all of this because the back fence to our property belongs to the property behind us. As such, when the old house got pulled down and the block cleared, the load-bearing garden got taken away and so the fence has gradually been falling over into the property behind us. We had crazy weather on Saturday night and then meant one piece has now fallen off and sometime today I'm going to ask the workmen to nail it back up so we can have some (a) privacy and (b) modicum of security.

Just not while I'm in my pjs.

Things I have to do today:

• bank large cheque
• deal with uni because they are morons*
• return some purchases to KMart
• go to BigW to see if they have better alternatives than the ones I didn't get from KMart
• do an assignment
• buy nail scissors seeing as my Favourite Pair have gone missing
• bug Adelaide University for my payment summary
• go to gym

Right now I'm going to make oatmeal, the breakfast of champions, and wake TheHusband.

* I went into uni on Thursday. This is a pain in the backside but I went in to ask whether I could get excemption from the two assignments and one workshop I did last year and shoudn't have to do again this year (which I got). In the meantime I asked the enrolments manager to check why my enrolment was dicky. She couldn't see why so said "Unenrol and reenrol and it'll all be fixed". So I did step (1) of that when I got home and then discovered that I can't reenrol as it's after 07/08/09. So I have to get the uni to FIX this when it could have just been DONE on Friday when I was AT UNI. Which I DON'T DO VERY OFTEN as I'm an external student.

One down, one to go!

I sat one exam this morning and wrote wrote wrote for 2 solid hours. It was hard work - can't remember the last time I did that! I think I did quite well though so a good solid C here I come for that subject.

Now I want to sleep but instead I need to:

• call my lawyer regarding a letter I sent him 2 weeks ago
• fill in the form for surgery
  
• reset rent payment for Friday
  
• sort out a cleaner (I have quotes - just need to analyse and arrange)
  
• hang cork boards on side of shelving unit
  

But for now - a brief nap I think!

My house really *does* smell like vanilla today!

My oil burner in my study has the following in it:

• rose absolute (against the blues)
  
• vanilla absolute (anti-anxiety)
  
• orange essential oil (also anti-depressant)
  

and it is smelling its happy way through my whole house.

I should be doing homework. I have work to do on electronic fetal monitoring / cardiotocography at the moment, and exams to prep for. But I did hydrotherapy this morning and my shoulder is killing me so I am not overly inspired to do so. Heh I just realised the blend I've got is probably because I am feeling anxious and a little blue about school, life and money in general.