Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Wearing a baby is easy when you know how

I've had Sally in my Girasol today on my back. I had pulled into a carpark at work to visit and walk to the post office and then back to work, and had a horrified customer stop me and offer to help as I tossed Sally onto my back. Way to go for giving me encouragement there lady (not!).

Anyway, she really enjoyed being on my back, giggle maniacally when put on there and went to sleep pretty quickly.

She's been on there for going on 3 hours since TheHusband came home as she was sleepy but not able to be convinced to sleep and I needed to make polenta and do Stuff so she's on there again.

TheHusband did take photos so I'll get them off my camera in a minute and post. Having her on my back has indicated that I really need a shorter one than the Girasol though!!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

While I'm eating lunch...

Via Pink of Perfection:

Do this quickly, without too much thought.

1. Write ten things you love.
2. Write five things you would do if you knew you wouldn’t fail.
3. Write five alternative lives you would like to live other than your own.
4. Write four tiny things you can do in the life you have to bring you closer to those imagined lives.

Now, imagine an older, wiser version of yourself who has some advice to share.

1. What do you need to know?
2. What do you need to embrace?
3. What do you need to do?
4. What do you need to grieve?
5. What do you need to celebrate?

1. Write ten things you love.

  • The smell of food cooking in my kitchen
  • Tutus on little people
  • The colours of the rainbow
  • Making a friend smile
  • Baby cuddles
  • Neatly manicured toes
  • Warm hands
  • Hats with ears
  • A good coffee and/or glass of wine
  • Wind chimes
2. Write five things you would do if you knew you wouldn’t fail.
  • Skydive
  • Run for prime minister
  • Perm my hair
  • Open a craft/yarn store
  • Ride and camp my way across the state
3. Write five alternative lives you would like to live other than your own.
  • French cheesemaker
  • Anyone French actually
  • Canadian midwife
  • New Zealand knitwear designer
  • Online writer
4. Write four tiny things you can do in the life you have to bring you closer to those imagined lives.
  • Learn French
  • Learn to make cheese
  • Visit France, Canada and New Zealand
  • Write more

Now, imagine an older, wiser version of yourself who has some advice to share.

1. What do you need to know? The things in life that happen, happen just as equally to you. Yes the bad stuff happens but so does the ordinary, and the normal. You are not a special little snowflake for the most part and you're not that different.
2. What do you need to embrace? Your normalacy and mainstreamness.
3. What do you need to do? Be open to love from all quarters.
4. What do you need to grieve? Your childhood
5. What do you need to celebrate? The life that you have made for yourself! You havebeen in control almost half of it now and you are doing a great job of it!

Friday, June 11, 2010


It seems that in turning comment moderation on because some idiots have felt the need to spam me, I turned off comments altogether. Which was an oversight that's been fixed now - thankyou to Katrine and Adele for pointing it out to me very promptly!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

It always comes back to the mother, huh

So once again, I have gotten slack in blogging. Lots of reasons - winter has come and sat on my couch and is glaring at me alternately with bright sunshine and so I'm struggling to adjust to the change. I will adjust but the adjustment is kind of distressing. Also I'm dealing with shit from the accident of 2007 and that makes me run on emotional empty. That'll be settled in under 6 months though, so the end is in sight.

I am also struggling with being a mama in one main way - mostly that my mother screwed me in the head from a very young age. I'm 30 so I'll give you the short version. Mostly that I had a younger sibling before I was 2, had an absent older abusive sibling whose existence screwed my parent's relationship up, and then 2 more siblings by the time I was 6, and 8. This is not to say that big families screw children up but my mother had no time for me even from before I was 2 and I felt it. I am therefore fiercely independent and really struggle with a lot of elements of relationships because of these issues with attachment parenting or the lack of it.

One in particular has come up recently because I am perhaps a lot more aware of relationships and those around me now that I'm pregnant. I wonder if others have noticed the fog of pregnancy lifting and you realising the world isn't a rosy happy safe place afterall. Anyway, what I'm noticing is that I'm trying to fit in and be liked/wanted by the cool kids. I was NEVER one of the cool kids - I was the scruffy, bookish, outspoken, badly dressed, strangely accented and weird new girl ALL my life and the cool kids never ever wanted me to be a part of their cool. As I moved around a lot as a child I also never saw the point in making friends as I was leaving in a year or two, though I think that attitude was a survival mechanism to the rejection felt from my mother originally and ongoing'ly and also from the kids I hung around with (or didn't as the case may be). Which is not to say that I don't and didn't have friends. At the time I always had friends and I am blessed with amazing friends now who take me as I am and who are open to me as I am.

So at the moment I find myself wanting the cool kids to like me. Which they don't have to but I keep chasing them and wanting to be with them and feeling really awful when they don't want to know or include me. Yes at 30 and as a mother my psyche is still in highschool, why do you ask? Perhaps if I didn't know about all the stuff I wasn't a part of, then I wouldn't be so upset about it but I do know about it so it does upset me.

Oh wait.

It's not all about me.

They probably don't consciously exclude me or reject me.

And quite frankly if they are doing it consciously, and the people involved don't have the nerve to actually talk to me about why/if they dislike me then I'm just going to have to get on with being myself.

These feelings are really overwhelming at times with the anxiety that is ruling my life because of dealing with lawyers etc, but I actually stopped the other day and asked myself what I was missing in chasing the affection of the cool kids.

And in that moment, I saw that there are people in my life who are trying to get my attention and be friendly to me. And it is a STUPID situation to be in where I am a little bit focused on the people who don't want me to be a part of their group, for whatever reason, to the detriment of other relationships with people who do.

Oh wait - that'd be the story of my life. Me rejecting siblings because I pointlessly pursued my mother's affection. A fight I fought for the first 27 years of my life before I walked away and was a lot healthier for it.

And so it comes back to my mother. And the mothering I didn't have. And all the reasons that I think Sally is lucky to have a sensible reflective grownup mother for her mama.

I'm not sure what to do or how to do it. I need to process it and consciously deal with the feelings somehow. Cause the next 5 months are just going to get harder before they get easier, because of winter and lawyer stuff and Sally growing and everything else.

Any advice or books or suggestions would be appreciated.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Resume of what I am

Not what I want to be, or what I'm developing skills in now, but what I am. I stole this from Kate at Craftastrophies, who stole it from a cup of tea and a wheat penny.

Likes to wear colours rather than black. A lot of them all at one time. Because she likes deep, rich colours, they do go together. She hopes. Is known for telling other people, in the cafe or the store, that she likes their scarf or stockings, while being aware that it may come across her desiring to steal said item of clothing.

Must have one of "those" faces, as is regularly mistaken for someone else. Will give directions to confused-looking pedestrians, shoppers or tourists. Prefers to write with a fountain pen, with orange ink. Carries a large bag as a handbag, complete with just enough stuff to make it full but able to be navigated.

Likes to write letters by hand and owns boxes of stamps to post them with. Carries an old-fashioned address book and notebook to write important things in. Has an uncanny knack for reverse parallel parking and finding lost objects.

Considers herself active but in reality hasn't ridden a bike in years, loves to make stock from scratch, detests corriander. Is mistaken for a Kiwi occassionally and wouldn't mind going there again. 

Has silver hairs starting to show through and doesn't care. Does stop to smell the roses and loves to do the puzzles in the paper, but only after reading the cartoons. Was tortured with flying insects as a child with long hair to put them in and has a phobia of them now.

Sings in a choir for a university she has never attended. Loves cats, small children and the colour red.  Is untidy and impatient and grumpy when hungry. Can write with her left hand but can't brush her teeth with that hand.