Thursday, June 10, 2010

It always comes back to the mother, huh

So once again, I have gotten slack in blogging. Lots of reasons - winter has come and sat on my couch and is glaring at me alternately with bright sunshine and so I'm struggling to adjust to the change. I will adjust but the adjustment is kind of distressing. Also I'm dealing with shit from the accident of 2007 and that makes me run on emotional empty. That'll be settled in under 6 months though, so the end is in sight.

I am also struggling with being a mama in one main way - mostly that my mother screwed me in the head from a very young age. I'm 30 so I'll give you the short version. Mostly that I had a younger sibling before I was 2, had an absent older abusive sibling whose existence screwed my parent's relationship up, and then 2 more siblings by the time I was 6, and 8. This is not to say that big families screw children up but my mother had no time for me even from before I was 2 and I felt it. I am therefore fiercely independent and really struggle with a lot of elements of relationships because of these issues with attachment parenting or the lack of it.

One in particular has come up recently because I am perhaps a lot more aware of relationships and those around me now that I'm pregnant. I wonder if others have noticed the fog of pregnancy lifting and you realising the world isn't a rosy happy safe place afterall. Anyway, what I'm noticing is that I'm trying to fit in and be liked/wanted by the cool kids. I was NEVER one of the cool kids - I was the scruffy, bookish, outspoken, badly dressed, strangely accented and weird new girl ALL my life and the cool kids never ever wanted me to be a part of their cool. As I moved around a lot as a child I also never saw the point in making friends as I was leaving in a year or two, though I think that attitude was a survival mechanism to the rejection felt from my mother originally and ongoing'ly and also from the kids I hung around with (or didn't as the case may be). Which is not to say that I don't and didn't have friends. At the time I always had friends and I am blessed with amazing friends now who take me as I am and who are open to me as I am.

So at the moment I find myself wanting the cool kids to like me. Which they don't have to but I keep chasing them and wanting to be with them and feeling really awful when they don't want to know or include me. Yes at 30 and as a mother my psyche is still in highschool, why do you ask? Perhaps if I didn't know about all the stuff I wasn't a part of, then I wouldn't be so upset about it but I do know about it so it does upset me.

Oh wait.

It's not all about me.

They probably don't consciously exclude me or reject me.

And quite frankly if they are doing it consciously, and the people involved don't have the nerve to actually talk to me about why/if they dislike me then I'm just going to have to get on with being myself.

These feelings are really overwhelming at times with the anxiety that is ruling my life because of dealing with lawyers etc, but I actually stopped the other day and asked myself what I was missing in chasing the affection of the cool kids.

And in that moment, I saw that there are people in my life who are trying to get my attention and be friendly to me. And it is a STUPID situation to be in where I am a little bit focused on the people who don't want me to be a part of their group, for whatever reason, to the detriment of other relationships with people who do.

Oh wait - that'd be the story of my life. Me rejecting siblings because I pointlessly pursued my mother's affection. A fight I fought for the first 27 years of my life before I walked away and was a lot healthier for it.

And so it comes back to my mother. And the mothering I didn't have. And all the reasons that I think Sally is lucky to have a sensible reflective grownup mother for her mama.

I'm not sure what to do or how to do it. I need to process it and consciously deal with the feelings somehow. Cause the next 5 months are just going to get harder before they get easier, because of winter and lawyer stuff and Sally growing and everything else.

Any advice or books or suggestions would be appreciated.

1 comment:

imogen said...

I sympathise... I still have issues about fitting in with the 'cool kids' as well, although in my case for kindof opposite reasons - ie never fitting in at my snobby private girls school from arriving there at the age of 7 to the time I graduated. In some ways I've come to terms with feeling like the odd one out most of the time, but sometimes it still grates.
So I can't really offer much advice, but I *do* know this: you're intelligent, thoughtful and you have a supportive hubby & friends - you will prevail :) xo