Follow your bliss

"If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Wherever you are—if you are following your bliss, you are enjoying that refreshment, that life within you, all the time."

--Joseph Campbell

My bliss is not really allowing me to follow it at the moment. Sigh ok sure that's the point. That if I follow the tiny smidge of bliss in my life I will live the life I should be living.

The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure. 

--Joseph Campbell

So I decided after a lot of to-ing and fro-ing that I would apply for a graduate position as a midwife. At best, it would mean I have another option for 2012, as our house purchase fell through due to a technicality in our financing (damn you GFC!)

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.

--Joseph Campbell

I'm trying to embrace all of these things.

I am waiting until 15 September to find out what is happening with my court case. Chances are that there will be another delay, to go with the other 4 that I've had. Colour me VERY surprised if that doesn't happen.
We will decide what we're doing with housing then. Until then, just staying in the moment. Surrounded by boxes.
We will get a rental for 6 months (Sept-March) in an area we like - on the tram line perhaps? Near the beach? Near a cafe strip?
Or if we do settle, we'll look into buying a house.
Then early November I'll find out if anyone wants to take me on as a graduate (bwahahahahaha I'm not betting that they will - I am brilliant on paper until you get to the "Do you have a disability" part and then I'm sure I'll go to the bottom of the list). But I think I can set a start date for March 2012.
The adventure is that I've applied for country placements. Which makes life more complicated but more of an adventure!
Which leaves me with finishing up at Bunnings in December, after 5 years there. I'll have to work out what to do with the shares I hold in the Bunnings parent company when I leave there.

But for now, I'm just waiting for TheBabe to drive around on her car.

To the woman in the shops today with the child...

I came home today from work and saw an article by Janet Fraser entitled "To the woman at the shops with the weeping babe".

I saw you today, at the shops, my sister. I saw you pushing a pram, perusing scarves, unable to respond to the bleating, hiccupping cries and jagged breaths of your newborn. I heard the babe cry out over and over, “Help me. Hold me close. Comfort me. Show me I’m not alone.” and yet in your aloneness, you were kept from responding. Was I seeing the trauma of your babe’s birth in action? The fragmented care of a brutal maternity system which prizes compliance above wellness? The ugly effects of industrialised parenting and the mould into which we are all shoved in this 21st century Sparta? I saw your babe’s face as she shut down and stared blankly at you from the pram and I felt my heart break for you both.

And it has encouraged me to write about something I saw today.

I see you, woman that could be me. I saw you stalk by, wound up tighter than a spring and glowering at everyone who passed. You were a woman on a retail mission today, something clasped in your hand and an item in your mind. You and many others were in the store and they were in your way and I could see that everything was going to annoy you. How much it clearly annoyed you that your child was with you, that your child existed in your timeline for consumption today.

I saw your daughter, frisky and boisterous in her enjoyment of the freedom of childhood. Probably irritating as fingers through cornflour, but really, what harm is there in a little frustration at your offspring's mercurial and inexplicable moods? As you stalked by she stopped to gather a trolley for her treasures. Isn't that what childhood is about? Learning to borrow a trolley, learning to keep your treasures safe and enjoying the excitement of a trip to a store when the reason is lost on you? Isn't it about taking time slowly because childhood whips past so quickly? About learning the tradeoffs between having to suffer the inconvenience of accompanying your mother to the shops instead of the park, because you get a trolley for a few minutes?

Is it really important that you had to stop a moment to untangle the trolley for your daughter? Her yelp at being caught up on another trolley was one of frustration but perhaps, if you'd waited, she would have sorted it out and you could have had a wry smile on your face, a mixture of pride and amusement and something to salve your own anger. And she would have happily gamboled along with you instead of slinking along, rubbing her thigh.

Instead, at that yelp, I saw your anger, your hurt, your baggage, gather suddenly and focus on your child and instead of helping her, you rounded on her and took two swooping fast strides down from the pedestal you are on as her mother, and even as she said "No mummy!" in a thin piping but strong voice, you picked her up and bundled her down an aisle and slapped her. I heard it, clear as day. You smacked her, in public and in a way that made me shake on the inside. In a way that reminded me of a childhood, and made me feel sick.

No one stopped you. No one asked if she was alright, even as she cried and you picked her up roughly and continued to stalk down the store. I hope you were mortified and embarrassed, just as I was shaking and upset at this and had to take a few deep breaths.

And I'm no better for putting my employment above standing up for a child.



If my husband did that to me, there would be police called and cups of tea made but because it's a parent doing it to a child, it's ok in many people's eyes. I hate people who hit their children. There is not justification for it. It is wrong and a symptom of how screwed up the world is that people are going to argue with me on that.


 I remember being smacked by my parents and what I remember isn't the lesson learned - I remember so many other things and so many chips in our relationship.

Blargh

I have a strange thing with my chest. I've had whooping cough twice, and when I get a cold or anything in Winter I get asthma that flares up. It sucks and is frustrating and distracting from the rest of the things I have to think about. Especially when I don't like taking my inhaler for it as it gives me the shakes but don't have many other options and have a lot to think on!

It's kind of a long list at the moment. Buying a house is heinously stressful. There is so much crap and fluff and ritual around it. So many boxes to tick and fit into and then other bits that are skated over. It's kind of confusing for the first timer, ya know? And then when I know what I'm doing it'll all be done and I won't do this again evah ;).

I did joke to TheHusband today that the next time we buy our first home it'll be a lot easier. Har har.

At this stage, we are settling at the end of August and moving in the first half of September. Our landlord who is a GEM has offered to advertise the place from that stage as well which means we *might* not have to pay rent at the same time as rent. Maybe.

Add to that that my last placement EVAH for my degree is going to be difficult to manage because I got option number "not even on my list" which means I have to drive an hour each way each shift and there's a lot on my mind at the moment. But I have been doing some knitting - I finished another Milo just the other day, and have knit more of my super secret project as well.

And look! I posted a blog post. Which isn't a fabulous one (yes I did take my inhaler and am all over the place) but it is done! Good night.

On doing my tax

Did my tax. Sigh. I wish we could just agree to get back roughly $x of what we pay out through the year. Agree on some deductions, agree on some surcharges. And be done. Cause I get the same amount back roughly each year.

It did take me a while to do my tax this year. I've had a husband for the entire year and a child for the entire year as well. But I had to wait on so. many. pieces. of. PAPER - Centrestink, Flinders University, Adelaide University, Bunnings, share statements - that it took 2 weeks to get through.

I love doing my tax. I know some people get upset about it. That "their money" is hanging out somewhere other than in their hands for up to a year, and should be theirs instead! But I like having some forced savings through the year, and a money balance sheet that is in my favour.

Now I'm waiting for the money to come back to us. What with buying a new house and all, the money we can get in needs to be accounted for and the more the merrier! So much more for the plans we have for next year as well.

But that's for another post ;).

On how to buy a house

This was #10 in yesterday's list but I thought I'd write it out today.

A few weeks ago my settlement conference for my motor vehicle accident for going on 4 years and 2 months ago got delayed. Again. By 5 weeks this time. Which would be laughable if it didn't also come up against a whole lot of other stress in my life.

Like - our lease here is up in early October. So either we need to keep this lease up even though TheHousemates want to move on; or move from here to another place that is affordable; or buy a house. Actually that is only the distillation of the whole process, because there are a huge list of backs and forwards in there, and costs and benefits and challenges. In the end, we decided to go ahead with the craziness of buying a place.

So we (I) had to decide:

• where to live
• what to live in
• how much we could afford
• what kind of loan to get
• how to find a house
• and the whole process of buying it!

in the space of a few weeks. Phew! It was TOUGH going because for some reason I was seized by an urge to do so RIGHT THIS MINUTE and when we (I) found our little house I knew why the urge was so strong!

Because it was the right time to find TheNook. It is perfect.
It has 3 bedrooms.
It has a loo separate to the bathroom.
It has land to grow on.
Which faces north, which is all kinds of exciting because it is better for growing all year round, and for heat management for the house.
It already has solar panels which are feeding into the grid.
It's in good condition for its age.
It's been painted recently.

So now is the time to move and as we've not moved or packed in 2+ years this is going to be "fun" right?

Right????

In which my blog morphs into a house reno type blog...

No not really but dear blog, I do have a lot to share with you!

I've had a serious attack of Life (TM) recently so my blog has just fallen down the list of priorities. I has gotten me to thinking though that blogging about deeply personal stuff, like working my way through the steep learning curve that is putting an offer in on a house, is something I'm better at doing in hindsight. Plus I was so caught up in the doing that I couldn't also take time to do the blogging about it, ya know?

I have been so caught up in the last few weeks with Life (TM) that I've also not been looking after myself very well. Sigh. It seems that I fall off my "to do" list so much more quickly than other things, and when I'm limited with my number of spoons* I just don't have time for me. Silly Emma though because that then reduces the number of spoons* I have and so on and so on.

So as well as blogging, I plan on doing:

1. a massage
2. a haircut and colour 
3. fitting the gym back into my weekly schedule, twice a week
4. finish TheChilderbeast's quilt
5. catching up with friends
6. planning my future better
7. cooking and baking
8. spending time with my lovely TheHusband and TheChilderbeast
9. doing my tax
10. and - buying a house

No I didn't forget about the title of the blog. But for now, short and sweet is the name of this game!

The long and short of it

I went to the gym today. I worked out hard enough to work up a sweat, which is unusual for me. What was more unusual was that I rowed, and used the weights machines, and found a fit ball and a wall and made sweet lovin' to them both.

Yesterday I took my sorry left leg and shoulder to an exercise physiologist. I had no idea how much help he'd be but after seeing a physio (or three) and a personal trainer (or three) with no joy, I needed a plan C. The physio gave me exercises to solve my "injury" which is crap, as I'm not "injured" and won't "be cured of an injury". The personal trainer was all "Wah your left leg is atrophied and you're very lopsided - let me focus on your left!" despite me saying that doing so made my left sacral-iliac joint burn and could we not?

This is not my current physio by the way. He is awesome. Well, he's horrible and nasty and has big pointy long needles that he insists on sticking into my muscles some 7cm (!) but he's worth his weight in gold and I do recommend him to everyone who needs a physio come acupuncturist.

So I went to the gym and rowed and such. I also sorted three baskets of washing, parented fed watered boobed and loved on my small, ate breakfast and lunch, took said small to child care, did the gym, showered, visited with my sister, am now blogging and am out to dinner with TheHusband this evening to celebrate his thesis getting examined.

This is a Big Deal (tm) by the way but kind of sort of not mine. Yes it means a lot to TheHusband and by extension me, but not to me directly.

Unlike the other big things which have happened recently, which include that my settlement of my injury case, now 4 and a bit years in the going, has been delayed AGAIN. To 22 June this time. Sigh. But that means it'll be done before the last evah exam that I have to sit for my degree, which is 29 June and yes I should start thinking about studying for it. Or even having a clue about what I'm meant to know for it.

So the delayed court date, again, for the third time, came after being given a ballpark figure of settlement for my case. So that means that we are now a bit more prepared for the future in that we can start to daydream about the future, and to think on what we're going to do.

Ugh. This is a BIG DEAL (TM) in the Vanilla household though. A big deal to take your life off hold and start to progress it towards... well, as our financial planner will want to know, towards what?

So
many
OPTIONS for our future that it's a tad overwhelming. And I have to start making decisions now about things for next year as graduate positions are being publicised at the moment, with applications in August which is really soon.

But the idea of doing a fulltime ish program is underwhelming for so many reasons. Not only would I rather never work than go and work in the system that I've been a part of as a student, I also don't want to work fulltime or even 0.84.

But I have to do something with my time next year.
But I am hearing from more mainstream than my crunchy freerange friends that they'd never take on a midwife who was fresh out of school.
Which leads me to doubt myself.

BLAH.

Do you carry stamps in your wallet?

Ages ago, I was watching Dr Phil while writing an assignment and there was an article on it about stamps in your wallet. I found a summary elsewhere of it:

While describing conscientiousness he used an example of people who carry stamps with them in their wallet.  Dr. Phil then asked his audience how many people had stamps with them in their purse, approximately 10 people raised their hands and then reached into their purse to pull out their trusty sheet of stamps.  Dr. Phil was shocked that anybody would carry stamps with them, actually stating that he didn't understand why anybody would do such a thing. 

The Professor went on to explain that people who score very high in conscientiousness are the type of people that carry around stamps with them and almost always buy extra of things long before they run out of anything!  GUILTY!  I am totally guilty of both!  I proudly carry stamps around with me AND buy multiples of things long before they run out.  I can't for the life of me understand why people wouldn't carry a sheet of stamps in their wallet, its such a small item to have with you, besides what the heck do you do when you spontaneously need to mail something and don't have a stamp with you?!!!  I also can't understand why people actually allow themselves to run out of stuff without having a replacement. 

Isn't it so annoying to run out of something and have to wait to finish whatever you were doing until after you run to the store...heaven forbid it should be toilet paper!  Of course this could explain why I will have 4 extra shampoos, 15 bars of soap and 25 cans of rotel acquired before I leave Germany!  Admittedly, the lack of closets and pantry is definitely helping curb my desire to have too many extras of anything, because if its one thing that bothers me more than running out of something, its not having a place for that something to live!

So, do you have stamps in your wallet? TheHusband teases me because I do. I have stamps on hand and stamps in my wallet. They are old enough now that I've had to buy 5c stamps to keep using them, and then 10c stamps as well, as the price of postage went up.

I'm surprised that it says anything about me. I do a lot of those things and I didn't realise it was a personality test.

Not the royal wedding

I am sitting at home in silence because I cannot stomach watching the royal wedding. I am impressed that a wedding of that size was brought together so quickly - a friend of mine has just announced a save the date for 5.5 years' time! so they can save and get organised - but apart from that, I don't care. I also dislike the amount of attention for what should be a family affair, and am astounded at the hype around it for two people who are already in love, living together occassionally, and so forth, formalising their arrangement. I also don't give two hoots about whether she'll be queen, queen mother, king's wife or whatever.

Why yes, repulican here how did you pick?

So to celebrate something far more interesting and important, here is my favourite photo from my wedding day. Self-portrait, at the end of our photo shoot, freezing our legs off by that stage and keen for a spa, some cake and champagne, and our holiday to begin!

We eloped. We had a lovely holiday. It was cold. My dress was orange, not red as the picture implies.

Our rings are titanium but TheHusband damaged his between pallets at work, so I want to replace that with a simpler one sometime soon.

Our wedding was just one day of our lives together. We're coming up to having had 6 lovely years together, 2 married, 5 homes, 1 child and lots of laughs.

I get a bit teary when I hear of Christchurch and the damage to it, as it's a special magical place in my memory. We are really wanting to go back there sometime soon!

So happy wedding day to all who've had one, all who plan one, and all who love them. I hope that any couple marrying today is as happy as we are.

Contemplating my navel

Where do you escape to? Where do you escape from? I do so into my shower. Or cup of tea. Depending on the day and whether Sally is around, I can sometimes have a shower alone or a hot cup of tea.

Rarely both in one day though.

Oh - someone asked me what to do with a Sally-sized childerbeast when in the shower? If her being in the shower isn't an option, such as when shaving or if she has already bathed, I stick her in the bath with a LOT of toys. The shower abutts the bath so she can see me and I can see her and it's a deep bath so she can't get out.

For now, because she's worked out how to stand up and sit down. And with cruising that means that climbing is not far off.

Anyways, so the shower. I escape from the world into a warm, white-noise dominated, pleasant and reassuring. I think we all need a place to go, for silence and comfort, for consolation or a little private jig when something goes right. In the out-of-focus latte-coloured tiled and glass box, I can stand and be whatever I am that day. In my shower, I only have to deal with what's within arm's reach. Soap, shampoo, tiles, water - all have a place, and a purpose, and an honesty. Running water does not lie to me. My navel is open for gazing in.

In recent years, perhaps the last 5 (4 in particular) the shower has been my epiphany, my muse. In the bathroom my focus on life changes from a ways over there, to just a few feet, when I take off my glasses and my clothes and wait for the hot water to run through. In the daylight hours, or the bright lights of the ceiling extractor fan, I am forced to stand, literally and figuratively, naked, and contemplate myself. Truly see myself for that moment. To look myself in the eye and assess how I'm doing. In the shower, feeling spray on my shoulder and neck, I realise things that I otherwise would not or could not face. Often just a small thing, like why I have hoarding tendancies (That was this morning's epiphany. It's so that I have something to look forward to. I'll unpack that one in a later post too I think).

I have made some amazing realisations and decisions in the shower. Some not so exciting or profound, of course, but the daily ritual of revealing my 31 year old body and seeing how things change or how I'm feeling, is a distancing but at the same time connecting ritual. I see myself for who and what I am, in the warm light of the heat lamps or the cool sunlight on an Autumnal morning. In that moment, before I shower and dry and put on moisturiser and choose a face from the jar and gird my loins for the day, I look at myself - confident, genuine, concerned, upset, lost, found. I can lie to the world for the rest of the day but to myself, in the mirror, in the slightly-steamy moments I cannot lie to myself. I can dress up or down, choose funky shoes or sexy underwear, interesting socks or a different scarg but I can't hide, in my eyes and face, that which a careful observer might see. My skin my fluctuate, my hair misbehave, my physical form improve or decline, my bright points and dark nooks blend into the greynes of normality and reality, but in the end I cannot hide my soul nor my light under a bushel.

Tautology rules!!

I applied for a position blogging for someone else. Crazy talk perhaps?

I have shown I can blog every day for a month (ugh). It was a hard slog and boring towards the end but do'able.

So here's my application for posterity. And so you can wish me luck.

Hello! My name is Emma and I'm mama to a 13 month old girl. I write a mishmash of a blog at the moment but would love to focus my writing on one topic, in a different forum, and have my own blog for the rest of my writings that aren't about being a mama.

I am happy to commit to blogging regularly - I find it cathartic and enjoyable. I love taking photographs and have a dSLR and am not afraid to use it. I'm actually enthralled with learning how to use it, and Photoshop, and would love to develop my skills further! I'm comfortable with sharing my life with people as well and have been blogging about bits and pieces for ages!

I am a fun mama even though my daughter is only 13 months. I am crafty, I knit, sew, paint, experiment with lots of things, am wanting to learn to play the ukulele and I sing in a choir. I live in Adelaide and have done for 5 years now, and love the city. I also own a Thermomix, am a great cook, have an interesting family and a photogenic cat.

Plus I have a lot of friends who'd stalk my posts and drive business through your site.

I'd love to blog about lots of not quite mainstream elements of parenting though, so am not sure you'd be interested in my story and journey. I have tattoos, had a private midwife for my pregnancy, homebirthed, we co-sleep and co-parent, I am a mature-age student nearly finished with a midwifery degree, I am book smart and well-spoken. I dress eclectically, op-shop with determination, love tea and baking, and have a soft spot for peppermint. I also garden, have an interest in herbs and traditional medicines, am staunchly feminist and unapologetically interesting. What I do have is a fabulous marriage, a whole suite of potentially life-changing events on the horizon, a warm demeanor and a lot of confidence.

What I don't have is a photogenic gene in my body so I do apologise for the picture of me attached. But wanted you to have a face for my name! Hope to hear from you soon.

 Wish me luck, yes?

And for posterity, I can share that back in the day I got sent an email that inspired my writing style. I'll blog about that on another day, yes?

Oven exploded - sad face

Am I going to look back at this blog in 5,10, 20 years and be able to groan at my language as being so... teens? Are we up to them already? Anyways, yes, our oven door exploded. This is not ours but it is similar to what happened.

The safety glass exploded off the front of the door, and is now taped up with safety cardboard. It's been 2 weeks without an oven and I am getting a bit annoyed with the whole process. I keep thinking that I'll just bake bread... nope. I'll just make some muffins... nope. I'll just pop a casserole... nope. I'll just invite people over for dinner and... nope.

Ok so Thelma the Thermomix is getting a lot of a workout but I'm noticing that I love to combine things and pop them in the oven or the slow cooker. And then write, study, photograph, play with Sally or do what I want. Instead I'm cooking quickly with Thelma, and not getting any baking done.

I don't mind the not baking so much as I still don't have a sweet tooth. TheHusband on the other hand I'm sure is missing my skills. I love baking for so many other reasons and I am getting better with steaming things in Thelma but it's not the same, ya know? And it's not quite as easy to make steamed pudding things, rather than "what's left in the fridge yes oatmeal and some fruit and random chocolate and fruit yoghurt sure that'll taste delicious in my normal recipe". And they don't keep as well either.

But the batter is so. YUMMY!!! when made with coconut cream.

I do need to get my hands on some new silicon cupcake pans though. The only ones I can find are bee shaped or fairy shaped or flower shaped. These don't work in the confines of the Varoma on top of Thelma but I'm reluctant to buy them online and pay for postage as well.

Grow where you are planted

It can be so hard to look on the bright side of life when there are so many other places you would like to be. And "if life hands you lemons, make lemonade" doesn't really describe it. It's not about making the best of a bad situation. It's not about being happy with wanting something, getting something just as functional but not ideal, and making something! even! better! out of it.

It's all very Biblical of me to draw on this proverb as it is from Corinthians. And there is lots of interpretation of it on the webs about the Biblical approach to this but that's not where I'm coming from, although it does show that (a) I heard this somewhere, (b) some aspects of Christianity are universal and (c) it is universal.

But when it comes down to it, the take-home message is that adverse life-situations need not prevent you from having a successful and fulfilling life.

There are lots of things in my life right now that I don't like because they are situations that are not what I want, and not where I'm happy. Physically I am troubled by my lack of (not being able to do the couch-to-5k program that got me started in running 7 years ago, and that people who are less motivated, less fit, less driven, less experienced, less pigheaded, have taken up and wah! I want to be able to do that even though I hated running and am not athletic) fitness, I am flailing because I am not finished my (degree of doom with vague scents of a groundhog day) studies, I'm sick of being a student and not having income when I'm putting effort into my life, and so on. I'm tired of working at Bunnings - I'm something (ashamed? embarassed? amazed?) about the fact that my longest employment has been at mininum wage in a position that I've gone nowhere in, because it was never a 5 year plan to be there.

But this in part clouds the rest of my life, where I am happy. I have a good marriage, a healthy fabulous child, earning capacity, a future to work towards and look forward to, a roof over my head, access to so many things that are first-world, and so much potential.

So it's not that I have lemons, and need to make the best of it. It's deeper than that. It's about being in a situation, planted somewhere specific, and having to not just get by. Not just dwell on the momentary need to make lemonade, but to put down roots and bloom.

And that's what I'm doing with this placement. It's not where I want to be with my midwifery - I want to work with women who trust their bodies, who understand what they're doing, who embrace and celebrate the journey, and joyously welcome labour and birth. But I am doing good things on my placement. I have identified what I want to learn from it and I'm learning. I'm stepping up and using the skills I have to support women in their chosen birth. I'm good at what I do and I have had to choose to bloom where I am planted.

Infrequent blogger is infrequent...

I am still alive and here. I'm on placement at the moment.

I have 3 weeks 7 days left of this placement.
Then 2 weeks more of placement, in about 6 weeks' time.
Then a week or so off, then another week of placement.

Then an exam.

Then a hand up of my portfolio.

And I'm done for this semester. Totally achievable.

And then next semester is 6 weeks of placement, 2 assignments and a portfolio hand up and it's done all together.

Then... what? Aiiiiieeeeeeee I don't know. So many options.

Graduate position - needs to be 0.8-fulltime which is 31-38 hours a week. I cringe to think of whether I can do that. Though the money would be good.
Maybe find a position somewhere at a lower load? Private hospital? Agency?
Take on 1 private client a month and see what happens there? Do it part time until Sally is a lot older?

Or the temptation is there to never ever practice midwifery and instead start up a business to sell gender-neutral baby and toddler clothes.
Or take up photography instead.
Or move to New Zealand.

It depends a bit on what happens when my court case resolves in a few weeks time. A friend mentioned the other day that she just had to help me through til May and I drew a blank of what I needed help with. After all, my exam isn't until July and my placements won't be over until late June... oh right, that court case.

Another huge unknown is what will happen with that. It's impossible to make plans without knowing whether it will resolve in my favour (highly likely), how big a settlement it'll be (no idea) and then what we can do with it. Can we buy a house? Do we buy a house? Where do buy a house? A fixer-upper? Something off the plan? Something that's rented and not move in?

Yeah. Lots of stress and unknown. I'm just trying to concentrate on one week at a time, one shift at a time. It's not easy but right now I have to concentrate on the path my feet are on, and ignore the maelstrom of eddies of fate and decisions that are out of my hands.

A long long time ago...

I joined a forum. It was 2004 and I was in need of somewhere with women who were like me - post-university, not yet settled into a groove of life/love/career, and of many different backgrounds and persuasions. I found such a group and over the past 8 years or so, I've seen the women there grow up, get married, have children, lose parents, divorce, finish study, buy houses, discover new careers, travel the world and cook, knit, sew, paint, write and groove their way onwards. The forum also helped me through thick and thin, bad relationships, good books, job interviews, interstate moves, surgery and recovery, a proposal, a wedding and a baby. I'm not so active on there but it's a warm spot in my heart and one that Facebook and other sites help me stay in touch with.

The site is US-based but I've met some of the amazing women there - this one time I flew to Sydney just to meet one of them, because I so couldn't pass up the opportunity to meet her!!

And just the other day, one of the women on there cried out to the wilderness that is the internet. And it was noticed. Within minutes, the concern was raised within the group. Someone more local to her called her house, and was concerned enough with the non-answer that they contacted her husband, and then the authorities in her city, who intervened.

I woke up to this - it had happened while I slept. I was concerned to see the first post, then on tenterhooks to watch it unfold, and then relieved to see that it was resolved. And then I looked at the deeper meaning of the community that is there on that site. Women all over the world were aware that something wasn't right, and were prepared to speak up and do something about it. This doesn't happen in the real world, does it?

And why not?

10 things that I can't plan my way out of just yet.

You all know just how much I detest not being able to plan? That "hurry up and wait" is the MOST irritating and distressing situation for me to be in? Well here are 10 things that I absolutely CANNOT plan for, around, up to or through, but will define 2011 for me:

1. Resolution of my motor vehicle accident?
2. Which will start with a phonecall tomorrow to my lawyer,
3. And another appointment with him and my other lawyer,
4. And then a court case in late February.
   
   This was care of a surprise letter last week detailing my court date. I was expecting it to all drag on into 2012 and instead it might be all summed up and dealt with by the end of February. Cue a whole lot of tears, a lot of stress and anxiety, and lots of "what if"s. 
   
5. Placement for school - details up on 18th of January
6. Freakout in the meantime because I went ahead and booked attendance at some truly awesome workshops and a conference but if school is horrible and insists that I am on placement that week, I'm lots of $$ out of pocket and really upset .
7. Choosing of placements in early February
8. Don't know when I actually find out about them
9. Sally to a maxilofacial surgeon on 24th of January
   
   Ah I haven't told you about those dramas and her suspecte posterior tongue tie. I'll post later.
   
10. I have to start thinking about next year and applying for jobs, sometime soon (surprisingly soon in fact)

So I asked a friend to cast a rune for me and this is what she said:

I drew the blank rune for you~The Unknowable~The God Odin.

Blank is the end, blank is the beginning. This is the rune of total trust and should be taken as exciting evidence of your most immediate contact with your own true destiny which, time and time again, rises like the phoenix from the ashes of what we call fate.

The blank rune can portend a death. But that death is usually symbolic, and may relate to any part of your life you are living now. Relinquishing control is the ultimate challenge for the spiritual warrior.

Here the unknowable informs you that it is in motion in your life. In that blankness is held undiluted potential. At the same time both pregnant and empty, it comprehends the totality of being, all that is to be actualized. And if, indeed, there are matters hidden by the gods, you need only remember: what beckons the creative power of the unknown.

Drawing the blank rune may bring to the surface your deepest fears. Will I fail? Will I be abandoned? Will it all be taken away? And yet your highest good, your truest possibilities and all your fertile dreams are held within that blankness.

Willingness and permitting are what this rune requires, for how can you exercise control over what is not yet in form?

The blank rune often calls for no less an act of courage than the empty handed leap into the void. Drawing it is a direct test of faith.

The blank rune represents the path of Karma, the sum total of your actions and of their consequences. At the same time, this rune teaches that the very debts of old karma shift and evolve as you shift and evolve. Nothing is predestined: the obstacles on your path can become gateways that lead to new beginnings.

Take heart: know that the work of self change is progressing in your life.

So I consulted my horoscope for the year:

While no sign benefits more from the unsettling yet exciting changes trigger by the encounter between Jupiter and Uranus in Pisces on January 4, you won't necessarily recognise their potential. In fact, because this is the case with most developments, especially during the year's first half, you're urged to explore everything, even what seems unrealistic. Not only will circumstances be shifting, an often, with your ruler Neptune in Pisces from early April until August, you'll be conducting an extensive personal review.

Consequently, what you regarded as ideal as the year began could be very different by its close. Knowing that, ignore those who insist on a detailed plan. Instead, combine a review of long-cherished dreams with serious reflection on what, and who, make you glad to be alive, an allow those to shape your activities. Ther could be no better approach to 2011.

And then decided to have a drink.

Big changes afoot

This is a complicated post. Maybe grab tea before trying to read?

I have been on the hunt for childcare for Sally. Ugh. How do you choose? I asked some local friends for their recommendations and had a few names to try. The advice I got was to turn up unannounced and explain that you wanted to have a look. So I did that. And to go with my gut.

Well I did that. The first one I went to - well, let's just say that I wanted to go there myself. They have dirt. And gardens. And chickens and bunnies. And attachment theories. And lots of play equipment. Healthy food. Carers holding babes as they slept because they felt safer there. Patience.

And a 6-12 month waiting list. Sigh.

The next one I went to, was different. No natural light. No grass - just fake grass. No sky either. Just big sunshades. And the redeeming feature offered to me by the office manager was that they were recently enrolled in a new formula trial.

But I could get in immediately.

Sigh. Ugh. Fuck. SUCH hard things to find someone to do some of the raising of my child. Because that's what I think childcare is.

So I had to look very closely at why I need childcare. I have to renew my first aid certificate which will take a day. I am blessed to have friends who would help me out with that. But I also have to do a metric fuckload of placement next year to finish the groundhog day / never ending story / degree that never ends. Yup I'm enrolled to go back to school next year to finish two subjects to finish it. They are two 1/2 semester subjects though, so lots of work, and LOTS of placement. And TheHusband can't take enough leave to cover all of it. And I have to finish this damn degree next year.

The other thing is that Sally LOVES to be around other children. Especially childerbeasts of her own age. Loves it. And it'll be fabulous for her to have a carer beyond me and TheHusband. And stimulation and so forth. Plus having 2 days to do stuff is going to be interesting. I don't know what I'll do with myself but I'll tell you about it.

Anyway, the complicated part of this is that I feel, ever so urgently, the need to push on and finish this degree so I can move on into the industry. Or not. I have that small dream as well - to do my breastfeeding counsellor and community educator training with the Australian Breastfeeding Association, do a doula course and some childbirth education work, do more photography, and then go and do everything except register but do some work still with women and birthing.

You see, homebirth is under attack in another forum with the decision yesterday of the Supreme Court that the assistant coroner can investigate a stillbirth because there were signs of life. I can't imagine how traumatic those words would be for a mother to hear that her child had signs of life, when she has made some kind of peace perhaps with the past and that her midwife did all she could to help her birth the baby alive. But from a midwifery point of view, this is world-changing. When someone is mentioned in the same decision as manslaughter because they attended a birth that ended badly, it makes me stop and think about whether this is a situation that I want in on as an independant midwife.

I got into this when I didn't have a plan B (hell I didn't even have a plan A!) and now it looks that I might need another plan.

Inside me is an organised person wanting out!

A few weeks ago, I realised something. I'm not organised despite thinking that I am! I'm not neat, or tidy. I am clean, but not fastidious. My house is not a shrine to anything but was getting a hint of clutter. And why? Well being me, I did dig into the "why" of it and came up with... I'm a perfectionist. Can't clean the fridge because I won't be able to do it perfectly. Can't fold the washing or clean the bath because it won't be perfect.

Which is silly now that I write it out. But that's how I felt when I really dug into it. So I signed up for FlyLady. There, I said it. I signed up for a pep talk about how to shine my sink. Why did I do that, you ask? Well I had to admit to myself that what we were doing as a family wasn't really working. Expecting TheHusband to actually take charge and do stuff and ask me to do stuff and have Expectations about housework and food and bill paying and money and so on wasn't going to happen.

As an aside, I did dig into what I had this expectation that he would have Expectations of me. And it came down to cheese sandwiches. My mother as far as I can remember didn't make me lunch as a child. I had an (ingrained? socially developed? reasonable?) expectation that I would have my lunch made, or a cake made for the end of year picnic, or something like that, and if I think on it all I can remember is being disappointed by not having lunch, and not having a cake.

Maybe my dislike of sweets comes from there? Hmmmmmm... not everything is a Thing though. Back to what I was saying.

So I can remember going to school without lunch, and to dance classes on a Saturday and not having lunch. Of looking longingly at the children who were getting KFC for lunch and maybe being able to scrimp a chip from them. Of wishing I had money but never having it to have lunch like that. So I came to hate lunch and still struggle with it now. But I love sandwiches if they're freshly made and interesting and have always had a thing for cheese sandwiches.

So I had an expectation of something from my mother. And didn't get it. And so have always had a thing about what I think parents/husbands/partners should be and do and it was not met and I carried that disappointment into my marriage. But it wasn't working. The housework wasn't getting done because I was expecting TheHusband to ask me to do it and then I could get all het up about not doing it because it wasn't My Job to do it! It should be shared! Equally!!

But this is not the case in reality. I had to be ok with being in charge. I've struggled with being in charge in our family as my mother was nasty about being in charge of our family and it was her way or none. But I bit the bullet the other day and took! charge! We now have a rhythm to our week, a new budget, a cleaner house, the energy to do stuff and a Thermomix on the way.

Rhythm? WTF is that? Well, I refuse to say routine. But I was so caught up by my need to do something perfectly and totally that I couldn't start. But knowing on Monday that I clean the bathroom for 15 minutes and that's it, and on Thursday I do the food shopping and errands, and Tuesday the markets and cooking/baking, and Saturday is family day, and what vaguely we're having for dinner each night and suddenly instead of me feeling like the house is overwhelming me, it is cleaner and neater and easier to straighten up in 15 minute bouts. I now relish my days at home, enjoy having a clean kitchen to wake up to, know that our garage sale is coming and things will be cleared out of the garage then, have cleared out my closet and now have clothes to wear and can find them, and am generally happier.

I have also done things that I've been meaning to.
I bought an address book and have written people's addresses down.
I have written out the months of the year and whose birthdays are where, what things happen in what months (bike rides, festivals etc), and things to look forward to.
I have written all over our calendar and now need to think about one for 2011.
I've made notes about the whole family's sizes and preferences, listed 5 ideas for each of us for Giftmas should people ask, written out our gift list for said festival and planned my makings and buyings so that it won't be a huge drain on us. 

I've also looked more into my spiritual side, how to celebrate things the way we want to, how to celebrate Sally's first Summer Solstice, tarot, herbs and healing and I even cast on a new project which is not useful or needed - a shawl no less!

Now to clear out my blog feed, purge my knitting UFOs, have a garage sale and enjoy living more in the day than previously.

10 things I plan to do in the next little while

Ooooooh a 3 year plan. Exciting, isn't it? Well, further to my 101 things to do in 1001 days, which I'm halfway through or thereabouts on the calendar but only 1/3rd of the way through!!, I'm feeling the need to revisit, reconsider and rewrite. Yes I will admit that there are things on that list that I don't want to do anymore (blue high heels? What was I thinking??), and things that I want to add and focus on. So I'll update my list, and am going to write another one eventually because that's #101 on my list.

But in the meantime, here are 10 other things I want to achieve before the end of 2012.

1. Complete my Bachelor of Midwifery
2. Study to be a breastfeeding counsellor with the Australian Breastfeeding Association
3. Become an accredited child birth educator
4. And maybe do a breastfeeding course too
5. Learn how to use my Nikon D40
6. Learn how to edit my photos
7. Run a course in babywearing (that's something percolating at the moment)
8. Master my breadmachine
9. Work out Who Am I
10. Enjoy Summer :)

Ever feel like you're stalking someone?

I bought a baby hat pattern book for knitting a while ago:

Source: Amanda Keys
Go to Amazon.com (and to buy it!)

And now I've stalked her blog and entered a competition to win an Itti Bitti prize pack:

Source: Amanda Keys Photography

Which feels like a joining of several paths - I've met Amanda through knitting in Sydney many moons ago, and I love that book, and I adore those nappies.

So either that's weird, or I need to get out more :).